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I haven’t posted in a while, because I’ve been putting it off. I don’t like to post serious and unhappy news. I’d prefer for my journal to be pleasant or amusing to read , if possible, for the very few people who read it. I feel like other people have enough problems of their own, so most of the time I’d rather post something entertaining or fun that might brighten their day a little bit or at least make them chuckle rather than laying out some big pile of sadness and drama that’ll sap the cheerfulness out of everyone who reads it. However, there are some things that I feel I must post about, because I care too much about the people involved to discredit the issue or event by just ignoring it in my journal. This is one of those. But just because I wrote it doesn’t mean you have to read it. I don’t want anyone to be unhappy on account of me or things happening in my life, so to anyone who’s reading let me just say that you’re perfectly welcome to stop here. I won’t be offended. And I promise I’ll do my best to make another post soon that’s more fun.
I spent two weeks waiting for Daddy to call me and let me know the results of his doctor’s visit. I was reluctant to call, because I figured if the news was good he would have called me as soon as he knew. I put off calling in the hopes that he just hadn’t gotten the results yet. And also because I’m a coward, and I wanted to delude myself for as long as possible that everything was going to be fine. Eric, however, took the initiative and called Dad first, and then he called us. The cancer is stage IV. It has spread from one lung to the other, into his rib and hip bones, and it’s in his blood stream. They said with radiation treatments and chemotherapy he could have a year and a half or so.
I finally psyched up enough to call him on Easter. He was tired and listless on the phone. He’s usually soft spoken anyway, but I could hardly tell what he was saying through most of the conversation, and a few times he just went silent for a few minutes. I think he was falling asleep. He said he’d had a good day, though. He said he and Grandpa went to church that day, and that it was good to hear my voice, and that he loved me.
Eric is supposed to be coming home soon. He said he’d be home by early April. He was going to stop and visit Dad in Kentucky on his way. I want to try to convince him to come here first and pick me up, and then we can both go see Dad. I would try to go by myself, but my car would never make the trip and I’d only get lost, anyway. I don’t know how many more opportunities I may get to see him. Judging by his state of mental clarity on the phone Sunday he is in no condition to drive here, and until Eric gets home I have no way to get to him.
I keep thinking about stupid things that I’ll be missing out on now. Daddy used to take us to dinner and a movie every week before he moved to Kentucky, and now it makes me sad to think of all the movies I won’t get to go see with him. It’s a stupid thing to be sad about because I haven’t been to see a movie with him in like a year, and most movies these days are lame anyway. I get sad when I watch Star Trek now because Spock and Dad are permanently linked in my brain. I’ve always thought that Dad and Leonard Nimoy look similar, and Dad’s been a Spock/Leonard Nimoy fan since way before I was born, so our shared love of Leonard Nimoy, Star Trek, science fiction, astronomy, and outer space in general has always been a bonding point between us. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ve already been mourning him, and he’s not even gone yet. I just wish he lived closer so I could see him when ever I wanted to. I wish he was close by so that I could show him my pathetic artwork, like a naive toddler seeking approval. ...It’s selfish for me to want him to be here, though, because the rest of his family is with him in Kentucky, and his sister is a nurse so she can make sure he gets the best possible treatment and care. I just miss him.
Marzarelo · Tue Mar 25, 2008 @ 08:39pm · 1 Comments |
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