Is this normal to feel so full yet empty? The girl I love seem to just have let me with a little note and that's all. Just left.. is that normal? I've passed the hell of a time and now I seem to be on an emotional drought. I actually don't really feel anything anymore. My heart seems to be numb. But not just my heart, my whole body. I can feel everything, yet it seems to have less of an effect it had on me before. She's right, I've changed alot, too. I shouldn't let this loss lose me like this. I have to get a grip of myself. Yet it is so hard all alone. Any kind of support I have just seem to dwindle. Seems nobody's willing to help me. But why? Just why then do they consider themselves friend? I guess this is why I do not like calling most people "friends". They have their own lives to deal with but shouldn't they at least try to help you? I am at complete loss. Nothing is the same. Even my senses have changed. I do not feel anything the same way than before. Even food doesn't taste the same. The taste has been improved yet I can not enjoy it. All pleasure has been taken out of me. Even my laughs are empty. Yes, I do laugh at certain jokes but deep inside they're just empty. Empty, cold, alone, abandoned.. just like myself. Shouldn't I be happy though? After all, haven't I somewhat gotten what I've always wanted? Before I used to want to be forgotten by everyone yet now I wish the contrary. I want to enjoy my time on this planet, re-learn what life is; to live once more. Yet I have no one to do anything of the sort. I have no one that cares enough about me to do so. To just spend some time with me having fun, hanging out or just even talking. Right now I'd really like someone I could trust. Someone that could be right in front of my face; someone I can see. Someone I could feel. I shouldn't take little things as seriously.. that's what I've been told and it is true. But is this truly small? Was she really just a speckle in my universe? Maybe in the world she was - but not in my world. In my world she is everything. She is my life. And now my life is running away from me. I've been stripped of it for reasons unknown to even myself. Dead dreams; it all feels like she's just dead now. I guess that in a way I was wrong when I used to say I've never experienced any loss in my life by death. Yet now I know how it feels. Even though she is not dead. In my mind she is. And so have I. I've been killed. I have died the day she told me it was over. Now I'm barely the shadow of myself. A new former self. Changing and always changing. Will it ever stop? Do I even want it to stop? I'm a quick healer by nature. Yet this wound will never heal. I am slowly re-learning myself yet I'm not myself anymore. I'm dead. But now.. is this truly the end? A whole new worlds awaits me. New experiences await me - so much could just happen. All memories just get good with time, don't they? sth.
"One day you'll ask me what is more important; you or my life. And I'll answer my life. You'll then turn around and walk away never knowing that you are my life."
Vanilla Sky · Sun May 08, 2005 @ 06:21am · 0 Comments |