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Isn't it pathetic that everytime I'm to myself all I can think about are my flaws. I see nothing pure, good, and worthwhile in my life. All I ever do is cause people to drift away from me.
It has been like this a lot lately, in fact ever since I've been on a mission to express myself. It is not like I'm down all the time. I mean there are days that I couldn't be happier, but I've realized that happiness is only temporary.
You can't expect people to be happy, nor sad, nor envious, not virtuous. The only emotion people are bound to have is anger because no matter what or where you are in life there always seems to be the people who just piss you off. Even if they are only telling you the truth and trying to help you. Maybe you don't want to hear the truth. The fact that they are constantly trying to "help you" degrades who you are as an individual, as if you aren't good enough.
I loved the way I used to be... I don't care much of myself anymore. I'm nothing and no one can change that. I used to be carefree, bitchy with no cause, but not arrogant and spiteful. Now the only thoughts I have either put me down or try to put everyone down with me.
I'm a drain to all those who stay my friend. I mean, how long can I expect them to put up with me!
They know I'm going through a stressful time these days, but common...can't I just shut up and stop being so childish already.
That's what I am. Nothing but a childish moron with no two thoughts about others. How could I possibly be more selfish through my pitiful depression!
I used to be loved by others. Loved for my words, my thoughts, my presence, and even my silence. Now whatever I do people make it seem that there is something wrong with me, something I have to change. But I've changed too much in the past 6 months and I'm desparate to change back.
I want to be a loner again. A person that everyone just skips over and is only noticed when they want to be noticed.
I want to trust again. Even though I know that I've had a past with every one I'm with which caused me to lose my confidence in them.
I want to have a life again. One that embraces me for all that I am and could be without crushing me into the ground.
I want to stop feeling again. Life was so much simpler without emotions to ride one. It is the feelings people have that cause to to be such idiots at times.
But most of all, I want to end this journey. I can't stay in it because I know I don't have the courage to face anything.
 Daralea · Tue Apr 26, 2005 @ 10:26pm · 0 Comments |
