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Ok, I understand that scissors can beat paper

And I get how rock beats scissors

But there's no way paper can beat rock!

Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" rock leaving it immobile?

Then why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?

In fact, screw scissors!

Why can't paper do this to people?

Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class?

I'll tell you why!

Because paper can't beat anybody!

A rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds!

When I play "Rock, Paper, Scissors", I always choose the rock

Then, when someone claims they've beaten me with their paper,

I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say something like...

"Oh s**t, I thought the paper would protect you..."

.....