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Tags: Arts, Writing, Dance, Music, Drawing 

Reply Misc Poetry.
unfinished song

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Total Votes : 5


lil_innocent_pom_dancer

PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 2:52 pm


you don't know what you have,
until it's gone.
you don't know what is right,
until it's wrong.
you say it won't happen,
"at least not to me."
something that can change your life,
and make the whole world see.
even the unlikeliest people,
can have the most terrible thing.
they could be here a minuet,
the next moment gone.
causing life to stop for them,
like the ending of a song.
PostPosted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:11 am


I really liked this poem. It reads like a song (which I'm sure was the intent), and the words are put together beautifully. Through most of it the rhythm flows nicely, too, but around here:

lil_innocent_pom_dancer

something that can change your life,
and make the whole world see.
even the unlikeliest people,
can have the most terrible thing.
they could be here a minuet,
the next moment gone.


the rhythm get lost. As the reader, it feels like the lines "something that can change your life" and "can have the most terrible thing" are a beat to long. but then the line "the next moment gone" seems too short. Be wary of beat changes as you go through it. It makes it difficult to read without pausing (which for poems is not really a good thing). luckily, that's something that is easy to revise.

It would be interesting if you put music to it. Or have you already?

Basil-tofu

Hygienic Gekko

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Misc Poetry.

 
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