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 Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 7:23 am
It's only the first chapter, and I got bored with the rest.
1
The small boy crouched in the bilge of the ship. He shuddered as cold water splashed up against him, slapping his bare skin. He heard the heavy footsteps above him, the screaming of women, and the rough chortles of men. But these weren’t just any men. They stood haler than any regular man. Their hair was filth ridden and matted. Their skin was a burnt brownish red, and their hands were callused and course. Familiar with the sea, they walked along the decks with a swaggering gait, never tripping or losing balance.
The boy drew himself closer to the wall of the ship, hiding in the shadows. He saw they hatch leading down to the bilge open, and light poured in, reflecting off the water on floor and shimmering on the walls. A man descended the steps and splashed into the water. He scanned the room, crinkling his nose at the smell of waste and dead vermin. Shadows crept along the walls, concealing portions of it. His boots splashed as he walked around. Drawing his dagger, he let it drag across the wall as he circled the perimeter of the chamber. The boy saw the man getting closer, his metal dirk scraping the wooden walls with a chh-chh-chh noise. He was feeling along the walls for something, anything possibly worth keeping. The boy saw him draw nearer, and he shuddered in fear. He tried to creep silently to the stairs, and was almost successful. The sounds of clashing metal and canons in the upper decks drowned out the sounds of swishing water as the boy crawled towards the stairs. He almost made it, when he tripped on something. He pitched into the dirty water and felt a throbbing in his foot. He turned around and saw the man come towards him, a grin on his face. Before the boy could get any farther, the man lurched toward him and grabbed him by the shoulders. The boy shuddered at his clammy touch, and he kicked and punched to get free of the man’s grasp. The man paid no notice to the boy’s resistance, and threw him over his shoulder as he walked up the steps. The boy kicked and screamed and punched, but nothing worked. And as soon as he saw the sight before him, he went limp with horror. Men like the one holding him, tons of them, swarmed around the ship. The smaller mast was cracked, and a man lay dead beneath it. All around him there was carnage, men with swords and daggers cut down his father’s men. The Englishmen that the boy had traveled with were being killed by the blades of pirates. His father’s ship, The Voyager, was under attack, and its crew was dying off, fast. As more and more pirates piled onto the English ship, the Englishmen realized how hopeless their situation was. Many of them dropped their swords, flung themselves overboard, or turned themselves over to the pirates. The pirates would then either cut them down right then and their, or take them aboard the pirate ship. Disaster was all around the small boy, and he cried for his parents. As he saw his fathers friends die all around him, he was filled with a cold fear that crept up throughout his body. The man carrying him was heading towards the other ship, the pirate ship. Suddenly, the boy saw his father. He held a cutlass in one hand, and a pistol in the other. His back was to the boy, but he swung around to face his son’s captor. With a lunge, he thrust his blade towards the pirate, but it was thrown off course by a parry from the pirate. The pirate dropped the boy, and he scampered into a pile of rope, and watched as his father battled the hale man. His father was a good fighter, but the pirate was more experienced. He fought dirty, and the dirty fighter was most likely bound to win. The pirate slashed at the boy’s father, and the father parried all of the pirate’s blows. Finally, he managed a lucky strike, and plunged his blade into the pirate’s leg. The pirate bellowed in pain as the cold steel entered his leg. Blood spilt out over the deck, mixing with the blood of dozens of others. The father stepped over the injured man and ran towards his son. He picked him up and carried him to the side of the ship. With two quick slashes of his blade, he cut down a small boat and it fell into the water. Embracing his son for the last time, he pushed a ring into his son’s hand.
“Take this, keep it. It may bring you good fortune in the future.” He hugged him again, and then motioned for his son to grab onto a thick rope. As he lowered his son into the boat, a tear escaped his eye. He looked at his distraught son, sitting in the boat, crying, looking up at his father. And with that, the man turned around, and faced the pirate who had tried to take his son. He grasped his sword harder, and threw himself at the pirate. He barreled into him, impaling him in the process. The pirate grunted and his body went slack. When the father stood up, two more men stood above him. They flourished their cutlasses and grinned.
“You sons a’ bitches” muttered the father as he stood. He looked at the crazed pirates one last time and then lunged at them, knowing he would never survive.
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Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 1:49 pm
Alright.
I'm getting a tad confusled here.
Where you say haler, do you mean taller?
'Cause I think.... haler is actually currency for the Czech Republic o.O
Assuming you do I have just a few suggestions to help make it run together better.
The second sentence, it would go better if you added more description.
I always felt like sentences like those without detail were a touch choppy.
Um also I think, "But these weren't just any men." is improper English.
You might wanna add that with the line after it, "...any men, they stood...".
Ehm and I think you're meaning "cannon" not "canon".
Canon means something to do with law, while cannon means the big metal thing that shoots balls.
Instead of using "tons of them" it would should a touch better if you used a more descriptive word, such as "hundreds of them" or "millions of them".
>.< "You sons a' bitches" doesn't sound right to me.
BUT I'm a grammar nazi.
SO.
That's probably just me.
[-Yes I know speech varies from text. Mehmehmeh. That's why I'm not really saying it'd be good to change it. Ju'ss that it's odd to me.-]
The chapter is pretty good though.
You have some nice words in there.
Some I didn't know actually o.o;;;
You're good at trying to get details into it to make it seem more real.
You just might want to consider adding more.
Still good though ^.^
[-Sorry if I said too many suggestion thingys >.<-]
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Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 2:55 pm
Yeah, thanks for the suggestions.
Haler is, in this case, a word meaning stronger, larger, taller, etc. Built like an ox.
...or a brick wall. lol
and canon, yeah...oops.
But thanks a lot.
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Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 3:05 pm
I'd read that.
And yeah, I also noticed the cannon thing, but whatever.
I like it. C'est cool.
And by the way,
You are totally a better writer than me.
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Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 4:22 pm
muahaha! thanks, but I'm not so sure about that. I've read your fanfic
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Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 5:41 pm
Realleh?
I've never heard it used like that.
>.< Sorry.
And welcome.
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Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 7:42 pm
Tarrka muahaha! thanks, but I'm not so sure about that. I've read your fanfic
Too confusing, too many O.C.'s
...bleh.
And yours is better.
Don't deny it.
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