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My fan-fiction...read?Very sad

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Did you like so far?
(:Amazing!:)
33%
 33%  [ 4 ]
It was ok...i guess:(
66%
 66%  [ 8 ]
Total Votes : 12


smexxii dot com

PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 8:18 am


The series just stopped with the episode where Inu-crew was in the demon's belly!So what happened after that?Well my fan fiction is:
Kagome:"Inu..."
Inuyasha:"What?!?!Speak to me Kagome!You can't die on me!
Kagome:"I-I can't feel my soul..."
Miroku,Sango&Shippo:*Watches and eyes water*
Inuyasha:*Grabs Kagome and holds her close to his chest*(Talks in scratchy sad,slow voice)We should take you to your time and let your mom see you one last time.
Kagome:*Faints*
Naraku:"I'm sucking the soul out of the wench as we speak!"
Inuyasha sad Says in angry pissed off voice)Nariku(sorry about spelling)you b*****d!I'm gonna kill you!WIND SCAR!"He kills Nariku in one strike!*Picks up Kagome and walks off with her*
Latr that day:
Inuyasha:*Jumps down well with Kagome,and he lies her in her bed,kisses her on the forhead and says "I-I-I..."*Eyes water,he runs off*
Kagome:"Inu-Inu-Inuyasha...I love..."*Dies from soul lost*
Inuyasha*Goes back to Kikyou's village*
Sango:Is she?
Inuyasha:*Turns the other way and sees me*
Me:Wow a demon!*Runs over to Inuyasha and plays with his ears*
Inuyasha:Let GO!*Pulls out sword*
Miroku:"Inuyasha stop!Leave her be!"*Comes up to me and rubs my butt*
Me:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!You pervert!*Slaps him!*
Sango:Miroku...*hits him on the head with boomerang*
About 3 monthes later...
Sango and Miroku wispering:"He hasn't done anything but mope for a while,he must have really loved her"
Miroku:"Inuyasha...will you be my best man?"
Inuyasha:If I can't have one love live with me forever I don't want to see love...sorry"
Me:*Sitting in treesketches the 1/2 demon that tried to attack me*"I can't seem to forget his face"
Inuyasha:*Walks by tree with Sango&Miroku*"Where's Shippo?He hasn't said anything stupid for a while"
Shippo:"Your already upset,why bother you now?"
Inuyasha:"I'm not upset,I forgot about...Kagome"*Falls onto knees and puts hands in his face and lies there for a while*
Me:*Jumps off of tree*"Oh,wow the ground is really soft!"
Inuyasha:"GET OFF MY HEAD!"
Me:"Whoops...sorry"I'm Kago"
Inuyasha:"Kago?"
Me:"Yeah,I'm Kikyou's second reincarnation!""Wen't you in love with Kikyou and the first reincarnation?"
Inuyasha:"Yeah,but I rather not talk about them,Kagome is...she's..."
Me:"You look really down so...*Hands over all the shards but one"
Inuyasha:"Keep them,I only hae one anmd that's all I'll ever have"
Me:"Are you sure?"Walks up to Sango and wispers in her ear:"Take thses shards get the 1 Inuyasha has and complete the jewel"
Me:Thinks "I always end up meeting Inuyasha,is it destiny?"
Inuyasha:Thinks "everyone is asleep,I always end up meeting Kago,is it Destiny?"
Me:"I must find out if it's destiny!I must find Inuyasha and see if he feels anything."
Meanwhile...
Kouga:"INUYASHA DID YOU REALLY LET KAGOME DIE THAT EASILY?"
Inuyasha:"What makes you think she is dead?"
Kouga:"Wait...so she's alive?"
Inuyasha:"Maybe..."*Turns away*
Kouga:"She is dead"*Cries*
Inuyasha:"Your a bigger baby then I thought"
Miroku:"You too did the same thing...you did fall to your knees and..."
Inuyasha:"Miroku,you son of a b***h,will you shut up?"
Miroku:"A son of a b***h huh?Well at least I didn't let my love die!"*Kisses Sango*
Sango:*Slaps him really REALLY hard*WTF WAS THAT?(Wispers):"And that was very mean what you said to him,you know inside he is crying his eyes out right now"
Meanwhile...
Me:"I wonder if he really loved Kagome or if h used her for her powers...or if he's aching badly inside"
*Everyone but Kago and Inuyasha were fast asleep,and as you guessed,Miroku is injuried from all the slaps he's gotton,and Kouga has been knocked out for messing with Inuyasha*
Inuyasha:*Looks into sky with teary eyes*
Kikyou:*Walks out of fog to Inuyasha,"Is that wench Kagome dead now?"
Inuyasha:"DON'T CALL HER A WENCH!!!"
Kikyou:"You aren't the man I once loved,he was fearless an nothing brought him down,but now look who you have become"
Inuyasha:"Isn't time your soul pass to hell now?"
Kikyou:"Wait...what do you...are you?"
Inuyasha:*Claws grow longer,fangs sharpen,eyes turn a fatel red*"Kikyou,you are to die!"*Goes in to attack her...*
Me:"Inuyasha!No!!!"*Grabs him!*"She's innocent,leave her be"
Kikyou:"Stay out of this!This is my destiny,so it's something I accept!"
Me:"How do you know it was destiny?Inuyasha do you feel that Kikyou is betrayed by you?"
Inuyasha:"No...I love her"
Me:*eyes water*"You know it's destiny when it's in the bottom of your heart!Inuyasha?Tell me are you feeling what I'm feeling?"
Inuyasha:"I don't know...wait don't cry!I don't like seeing girls cry!"
Me:*drys eyes*"Inuyasha...don't kill her"*runs off*
Inuyasha:"What just happened"
Sango:"You are so blind...you don't see it?"
Inuyasha:"See what?"
Shippo:"C'mon you big dummy!Even I can see it,she's Kagome's reincarnation,next time you see her look deep in her eyes and you'll see Kagome"
PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 12:24 pm


uhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........*cricket...cricket*

i K e e t


Sachiko-sama

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 1:26 pm


v_girl4
uhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........*cricket...cricket*


That pretty sums up my reaction.




The story need a lot of work. First thing you do not write in script format ever, it's not meant to be performed is it? Second show don't tell. *action* is not acceptable in prose either. Please learn the basics of English grammar, and style before you attempt any form of fan fiction, there are thousands of sites that can help with grammar and style and all it takes is a quick five seconds to type it into Google.

Many of the characters are out of character, for example Miroku and Sango. The story takes place at the end of the anime right? Then that means they're engaged, I'm pretty sure in the 30 episodes following except for some filler that Sango never slapped Miroku for anything, and that Miroku never flirted with random girls. As you can tell they act differently towards each other and the rest of the group,after they got engaged than they did when they first joined the group, which is character development, and I think that character development is essential in stories.

There are also many plot problems, which if I started to address here would go on for a while.

I'm not being mean or bitchy or condescending, I'm just giving my honest opinion and telling you how I think you can improve the story.
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2007 7:40 am


It's ok but i have to agree with her on everything

nikkygirl777


kloverdragon

PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2007 6:07 pm


not so bad. it was really hard to follow tho. and it needs more length. it seemed to jump from one thing to another. keep writing!
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:48 pm


uhhhhhh o.o eek eek eek i guess its good razz

xInfamousxRJ


Rachel_Elric

PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 5:25 pm


I thought it was ..okay
but I agree. The characters are deff. out of character
and Kagome's death actually would be a bit less dramatic when its actually happenong
It's the reprecussions that would be dramatic
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 6:03 pm


eek eek eek confused confused confused ............ Well, in some way the story was good, but it lacked depth. The whole thing was a jumble of scenes, nothing was complete. And all the characters were off. I did not see any of their transformations. Also, your grammar was horrible. I think you should have looked over your fan ficition before posting it.

Founa


fumetsu ookami

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 9:16 am


it was ok but the characters didnt seem like themselves and i also agree with some of the others who posted but keep practicing you might be good
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