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| it could use work...but it's not too bad |
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 Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 9:52 pm
Sorry if the title sucks, it was a suggestion from a friend of mine and I'm using it simply because I can't think of a better one... Also, I'm still working on this and suggestions are very much appreciated!
An explosion of sound hit the silent air, startling the small dark haired girl lying on the bed. She ran to the window after picking herself up from the floor where she'd fallen.
She'd hoped it was thunder for it had been cloudy all day but there was no rain. The sound was repeated and her heart sank as she realized what it was. Her father had told her what she had to do if it came to this.
She dove under the bed as she heard approaching footsteps. She hardly dared to breathe as her bedroom door slowly opened. Her father's face appeared near her own as he crawled halfway under the bed. "Quick" he hissed, pulling her forward.
He took her jacket from its perch on the edge of her bed and helped her into it. "Mommy?" she asked, her eyes straining in the dark to see. Her father's voice was heavy as he said sadly, "Mommy's not coming."
She grabbed the rag doll from the bed as he hurried her towards the door and downstairs. More gunshots were heard several times and after each one, the girl flinched and held her doll a little closer.
Her father led her outside by the back door and they headed towards the back gate, which led to the alley. He unlocked the gate and pushed her through just as another gunshot sounded, closer this time.
Her father cried out just as the moon revealed her pale face through the dark storm clouds. She turned and saw dark liquid falling to earth in a strange perversion of rain. After what seemed an eternity, he slowly fell to his knees, his warm brown eyes slowly clouding over.
She covered her mouth to bite back the scream that threatened to shatter the momentarily silent air. She saw the gunman hesitate then lower his weapon. She wanted to run, to hide but she was frozen, transfixed by the sight of her father's fallen form.
He desended the porch steps, taking something out of his pocket as he walked. The moon withdrew and seemed to break the spell. She began to flee but he caught hold of her arm, shoving a cloth over her nose and mouth filling it with a sickly sweet smell. She felt dizzy and true darkness began to envelop her until-
Sia woke with a start, covered in sweat and sitting upright in her bed. Her eyes scanned the familiar grey walls to reassure herself it had only been a dream.
This wasn’t a new thing; she’d had the same reoccurring nightmare for about a week now. The shooting was new as was all the stuff that had happened after it. All she’d seen prior to tonight had been the gunshot before she’d woken up.
A shaking hand brushed a single strand of raven hair away from her emerald eyes as she continued to mull over the dream. Finally she sighed and lay back down, trying to get more sleep, but it was impossible. Every time she closed her eyes, she would see the girl’s father be shot in the back and his blood fall in slow motion to stain the earth.
She gave up and opened her eyes once more and got out of bed. She quickly changed into her uniform, the room being slightly on the cold side. Sia was just pulling on her boots when there was a knock at the door. "Come in.” she said, forcing her foot into the black boot.
One of her superiors stood before her. Forgetting the stupid boot, Sia quickly stood up to attention, snapping a salute. He chuckled, lazily returning it and said, "At ease, I just wanted to see if you were up yet."
Sia nodded and returned to her task. One down, one to go. She'd been growing a lot lately and she was in need of new shoes. She hadn't said anything because the supply trucks hadn't come recently.
He noticed her difficulty and raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything regarding her boots, “Report to the dining hall when you are completely dress.” He said before saluting then leaving her, closing the door behind him. That was weird. She thought shaking her head, still forcing her other foot into the boot.
Once she won her battle, she looked into the small mirror hanging above her desk and began to re-tame her hair, brushing it then pulling it into a long braid that reached her mid-back. Humming a wordless tune, she made her way to the Dining hall.
A few other cadets had emerged from their rooms, most of them avoiding eye contact and none of them talking to her. This was normal though; she had but one friend, Embyr. As if the mere thought of her summoned her, Embyr appeared at her side. “Hey” she said, giving a lazy salute.
Sia grinned and returned it. It was a private joke between them, although they were pretty good at all the tests and drills their superiors placed before them, for some reason, neither of them had advanced very high so they made up their own ranks. Imagination wasn’t valued very highly at Crescent Academy, but then, anything that wasn’t military based wasn’t valued so they didn’t care too much.
Embyr was a little shorter than Sia with blazing red hair, slightly tanned skin and sapphire eyes that always held a mischievous light in them. Actually, Embyr wasn’t her real name either. Technically it was Ambyr but due to a typo in the computer, it was changed to Embyr and the name had just stuck.
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Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 6:03 am
This is a nice teaser, I'd have to see more of it to make up my mind properly on the idea though I think. So write some more!
I would say though, try to fragment your writing a bit more, as large blocks of text make it tough to stick with on a screen - use very small paragraphs fragmented with lines. It may seem odd at first, but believe it or not its accepted 'nettiquette' when writing online. Because books don't burn your eyes out, and computers do.
pirate
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Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 4:43 pm
Better? And thanks for the advice ^^
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Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 10:30 pm
Sweet, that sent me onto the edge of my chair begging for more!
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