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 Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 1:53 pm
This is the first original story I've ever done so please tell me what you think ok? Enjoy!
Chapter 1
Chapter 1
The sky was a light blue and not a cloud was in it. A girl around sixteen was walking down the crowded streets of London. Kira was the girls' name and she was an apprentice. A magicians apprentice to be exact. She had long black hair and red eyes. Kira Yatikana was her full name and she was supposed to be wearing the original apprentice robes. But she wasn't, she was wearing a blue tunic, brown boots that went all the way to the top of her shin, and pants that were the same color as her tunic.
If you're wondering what she was doing... Well, she was just returning from the store.
"Why do I have to do the shopping?" Kira mumbled, "That crone can do it herself. She keeps on bragging on how great she is at summoning Demons and what-not!"
Kira enjoyed talking to herself so she didn't notice where she was going. The next thing she knew, she was on the ground.
"Ouch! Who the?" Kira looked up to see a boy of about eighteen.
"I-I'm sorry." he squeaked. Kira shot him one of her death glares and examined him. The boy backed off.
"What's your name?" she demanded.
"K-Koroku."
Kira kept staring at Koroku and he stared back fearfully. She only broke contact when she saw what looked like a Master.
"Koroku? What are you doing?" the Master's eyes strayed to Kira who was still sitting on the ground, spilled food, drinks, and summoning equipment beside her.
"Demon lady," the Master spat, "What are you doing? I'll have to tell your Master."
Kira snarled, "You'll do no such thing!" She said in a low challenging voice as she picked herself up off the ground. She brushed the dust and dirt off her tunic. She turned and began to walk back to the house she shared with her Master. She hadn't taken five steps, when she heard a crackling of what sounded like Lightning Magic.
"But that magic is forbbiden!" she yelled. The Master ignored her and a spear of electricity appeared in his hand. He drew his arm back and threw the spear. It was aimed at her chest. Kira jumped to the left and the bolt, instead of killing her, struck her left arm. Kira screamed in pain as the bolt pierced her arm and went through. Blood ran down her arm and onto the pavement. She gritted her teeth and swore under her breath.
'That guy HAS to be a Demon.'
Kira imagined a painful death for the man. Clutching her arm, Kira walked back home. She stopped at the door and braced herself at what would happen when she went inside. When she was done preparing herself, she pushed the door open. As she expected, her Master swooped down upon her.
"You caused complete CHAOS downtown!"
Kira stared. She couldn't believe how dense her Master was. "Me?!" Kira started, "Can't you see? My arm is covered in blood!"
Her Master just snorted and said, "Hmph. Doesn't look like much."
Kira gaped. "You'll get yours..." she muttered.
"What?!" Without waiting for an answer, Kira's Master slapped Kira across the face. "Go to your room and stay there!" she yelled.
Holding her face, Kira trudged up to her room. Her steps were heavy and slow and when she opened the door to her room she whispered to herself, "Oh yes, Marcia, you'll get yours."
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 11:34 pm
Hi-Inuonii This is the first original story I've ever done so please tell me what you think ok? Enjoy!
Chapter 1
Chapter 1
The sky was a light blue and not a cloud was in it. A girl around sixteen was walking down the crowded streets of London. Kira was the girls' name and she was an apprentice. A magicians apprentice to be exact. She had long black hair and red eyes. Kira Yatikana was her full name and she was supposed to be wearing the original apprentice robes. But she wasn't, she was wearing a blue tunic, brown boots that went all the way to the top of her shin, and pants that were the same color as her tunic. It is a good idea to start out a story with info on the person you got that much, but what does this girl look like, what color is her eyes, hair, etc. and around her what does the place look like is it based in the furtrue, past, or present? Hi-Inuonii If you're wondering what she was doing... Well, she was just returning from the store. I don't care what she was doing, well in a way i do but you could approach this in a different way then this. "Why do I have to do the shopping?" Kira mumbled, "That crone can do it herself. She keeps on bragging on how great she is at summoning Demons and what-not!" Hi-Inuonii Kira enjoyed talking to herself so she didn't notice where she was going. The next thing she knew, she was on the ground. Ok the paragraph as a whole can be combined with the one above Hi-Inuonii "Ouch! Who the?" Kira looked up to see a boy of about eighteen.
"I-I'm sorry." he squeaked. Kira shot him one of her death glares and examined him. The boy backed off.
"What's your name?" she demanded.
"K-Koroku."
Kira kept staring at Koroku and he stared back fearfully. She only broke contact when she saw what looked like a Master.
"Koroku? What are you doing?" the Master's eyes strayed to Kira who was still sitting on the ground, spilled food, drinks, and summoning equipment beside her.. I think this may be a grammar mistake though I could be wrong it's had for me to uderstand this section try rewording it better? Hi-Inuonii "Demon lady," the Master spat, "What are you doing? I'll have to tell your Master."
Kira snarled, "You'll do no such thing!" She said in a low challenging voice as she picked herself up off the ground. She brushed the dust and dirt off her tunic. She turned and began to walk back to the house she shared with her Master. She hadn't taken five steps, when she heard a crackling of what sounded like Lightning Magic.
"But that magic is forbbiden!" she yelled. The Master ignored her and a spear of electricity appeared in his hand. He drew his arm back and threw the spear. It was aimed at her chest. Kira jumped to the left and the bolt, instead of killing her, struck her left arm. Kira screamed in pain as the bolt pierced her arm and went through. Blood ran down her arm and onto the pavement. She gritted her teeth and swore under her breath.. yawn, though I understand how an kind of sence in any writing can be boring I don't have anything to say for this part wish I could come up with something to help you with on this section. Hi-Inuonii 'That guy HAS to be a Demon.'
Kira imagined a painful death for the man. Clutching her arm, Kira walked back home. She stopped at the door and braced herself at what would happen when she went inside. When she was done preparing herself, she pushed the door open. As she expected, her Master swooped down upon her.
"You caused complete CHAOS downtown!"
Kira stared. She couldn't believe how dense her Master was. "Me?!" Kira started, "Can't you see? My arm is covered in blood!"
Her Master just snorted and said, "Hmph. Doesn't look like much."
Kira gaped. "You'll get yours..." she muttered.
"What?!" Without waiting for an answer, Kira's Master slapped Kira across the face. "Go to your room and stay there!" she yelled.
Holding her face, Kira trudged up to her room. Her steps were heavy and slow and when she opened the door to her room she whispered to herself, "Oh yes, Marcia, you'll get yours."
It was quite short for the most part please don't let my picking apart steer you clear of contuining, you'll get better the more time you spend with it, een I have to ask for help and what not to make sure I'm not steering any of my writings for the most part in the wrong dricetion, I hoped some of this helped you, i'm not much for helping other with tips so you might need someone with a strong point of that to help you for the most point I enjoyed reading it and look forward to more chapters. Oh and one more thing put more "meat" to the writing if you know what I mean. Please try not to over use alot of common words find new ones that mean the same and still make sense. Sorry for picking the whole thing apart but I couldn't help point out some of the mistakes and what nots in the thing. As a whole you have an idea that could work if enough thought is put into it. try veiwing others stories it could help you I the long run.
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