CHAPTER ONE: MANIC MONSTER MUFFINS
“Please tell me why we hang out with him again,” Chase moaned, his head in his hands as the smaller of his two companions started dancing on the tabletop.
“Hey, it’s your fault for letting him have that much ale,” the other growled flatly. “I’m surprised that he’s still conscious after that round. Seven-teen pints, for God’s sake! How the heck does he do it!?”
Chase sighed, took up his own tankard and took a small swig.
“I don’t know, but I sure don’t envy the headache that he’s going to have in the morning.” Then, he quickly reached out and grabbed the drunk’s ankle, dragging him off the table into a dizzy heap.
“Oi, Jay! Stop embarrassing us, dammit, or I’ll kill you myself!” he scowled at the man, before returning to his ale. Instead of getting the hint, however, Jay took this as an opportunity to show his friends how special they were.
“I love you guyssss…” he mumbled, half-choking them in a drunken headlock and causing Chase to spurt out half of the liquid in his mouth. “You’re like my family and you… you…”
His sentence was cut short as he collapsed to the floor with a lopsided grin on his face. Chase sighed and continued drinking.
“Finally,” he muttered.
It was late evening in Craggly Peak, the continent’s only mountain-city. The sunset was blocked by the towering mountain range of the Crags, the line of terrain, which were seen by some people to be the very spine of the country. To others, it was simply known as ‘that bloody great, big load of mountains near the East’.
Either way, the mountain city was nearing night, and all the women and children returned to their small homes on the rocky slopes, while all the men quickly ushered into any available tavern. As there was only two in the whole area, this made things difficult, but, nevertheless, soon all the good men-folk were having bar-fights, vomiting in abundance and simply having fun.
Outside the smaller of these taverns, three horses pawed the ground impatiently. They felt miserable: their reins were making them itch, they had been tied too tight and, to make matters worse, they could sense a storm coming. However, their ears pricked up immediately when their owners came flying out of the tavern door, landing face first into the dirt.
“And don’t come back! Or I’ll call in the authorities!”
With a lot of groaning and complaining, the figures slowly got to their feet and dusted themselves down. Well, two of them did, the other was still giggling madly between vomiting on the floor. The horses trotted over, and the dapple-grey whinnied, before actually speaking.
“Enjoy yourselves?” it asked, smiling sweetly. Chase gave it a look of pure hatred.
“We would of if Trigger hadn’t started a fight.”
“Oh, that’s right! Blame me!” the other yelled sarcastically. “It’s not my fault that some idiot comes over to cause trouble!”
“He was asking for directions to the loo, for God’s sake!”
There was a short silence, before Trigger shrugged and replied,” Well, he deserved it with a dress sense like that. Anyway, I barely scratched him!”
“ You stuck your sword right through him!! And not only that, you went even further and cut his arms off!”
“Oh stop whining and help me get Jay onto Shandy!”
The smallest of the horses snorted and protested, “Can’t he ride on Bullet for tonight?” The dapple-grey stamped the ground and cried, “What!? No way! You think I’m crazy!? I’m Chase’s steed, not Jay’s!”
Shandy lowered her ears and turned to face the black horse that stood a good foot above her.
“Don’t even think it.”
The white mare bowed her head in defeat and sighed as her vomiting rider was strapped into her saddle. It felt like nothing could make her day any worse, when suddenly the heavens opened.
“Argh! Hail!” Chase cursed as several large chunks of ice pelted his head. “Who was the idiot who invented the damn stuff anyway!?”
Suddenly, a bolt of fork lighting struck at his feet and Bullet reared up on his hind legs, whinnying. A low rumble soon followed, and Chase shivered. It was times like this when he wondered why he ever left the safe, familiar warmth of his village. However, one look at his empty coin-pouch reminded him.
“This stinks!” he complained to Trigger, who was wisely sheltering under the small guttering of the tavern. “We’ve been walking around the continent for months ! We should have earned some money by now! Yet, here we are, a bunch of penniless guys, completely broke and CURSED!!“
“Well, that’s not necessary true, Chase,” Trigger pointed out. “We did earn some money, but we just blew it all on drink. And YOU’RE cursed, not us.”
“Yeah,” Bullet agreed. “You were the one who broke the sacred sapphire mirror in that woman’s shop…”
“And stood on her black cat…” Thunder, the other stallion pitched in.
“Oh, and then you went and got flattened by walking under the ladder propped up outside her shop…”
“YES, I GET THE POINT!!!” Chase yelled. “If I had known she was a witch, then I would have thought twice! How was I meant to know she had the power to curse!?”
“Well, the sign outside her shop did say, ‘Magic Emporium’…” Trigger said, unhelpfully. “And underneath it said quite clearly: ’Madame Jinks; fully qualified witch’.
Chase glared at the warrior with a look of increasing hatred, but was distracted when Jay started vomiting loudly, much to Shandy’s disgust. She looked up at Chase miserably and asked, “Can we go now please?”
Chase nodded and Trigger strode up to Thunder, swinging himself lightly into the saddle. Chase followed suit and turned to Trigger.
“Where now then, Mr-Know-It-All?”
After a quick glance at a ragged piece of cloth, Trigger frowned and shook his head.
“I dunno, I reckon this map we brought is fake.”
Chase sighed.
“Are you holding it the right way up?”
“Yep.”
“Is your thumb covering some of the areas?”
“Nope. Oh, hang on…”
After a long rummage in his saddlebag, he pulled out another piece of paper.
“It’s all right, I picked up the wrong map. This one’s the right one.”
“What’s the other one for?”
Trigger blushed and mumbled something. Chase didn’t bother asking him to speak up. Knowing Trigger, it was probably the secret map of how to break into the local armoury. Wherever there were weapons, there was Trigger, lovingly cradling them in his bulky arms, like they were the most precious things on earth.
Instead, Chase returned his attention to the warrior, who pointed due West.
“We should go a few miles that way before making a quick detour through the forests of Hylur. That way, we should reach Brimstown in a matter of a couple of days.” He double-checked the map, then nodded.
Chase shook his head, before asking, “This ‘detour’, is it going to be like the last one?”
“Look, it’s not my fault that we got lost and almost got swallowed by quicksand.”
Shandy felt sure that another argument would ensue, if there hadn’t been an interruption.
“Oh, Trigster!” came a relieved voice from behind them. Both Trigger and Chase turned around in unison, and quickly turned back as they saw a young woman stumbling up to them, holding her skirt up so not to get it dirty.
“Damn!” Trigger whimpered. “How the heck did she find us?! I thought we lost her in that jungle a few miles back!”
“Oh, Triggy! I found you!” the woman smiled happily as she caught up. She bounded over to Trigger in two strides and promptly hit him with enough force to knock out a small rhino. He fell off his saddle but his foot was still caught in the stirrup.
“DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!” the woman bellowed, all pleasantry lost. “I want you to apologise right now!!”
“For what!?” Trigger snapped, stemming his nosebleed with a grubby hand. Chase watched with growing amusement.
“How DARE you! First you leave me for dead in that jungle pit, then you have the nerve to say: ‘what did I do?”! Apologise!”
“You may be royalty, but that doesn’t give you the right to make me apologise, Princess!” Trigger growled.
Chase didn’t dare say so, but he agreed. Ever since her father had given them a contract to escort her across the country, Princess Jenna had done nothing but moan. After all they’d been through, it should be her apologising.
Slowly, she walked up next to Thunder’s flank and murmured, “Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you, Triggy…”
“How many times do I have to tell you: DON’T call me thaaaaaaaaaaaargh!”
Thunder suddenly bolted madly after Jenna smacked his flank, with Trigger still caught in the stirrup. As his head was smashed around on the floor and kicked by his steed’s heavy hoofs, Jenna smiled and dusted herself down.
“Damn you!” Trigger screamed madly, his voice becoming fainter as Thunder became a dot on the horizon. “Damn you to Hell you scheming son of a…”
Chase, Shandy and Bullet looked positively terrified.
Jenna casually strolled over to Chase and smiled sweetly.
“Don’t you think we should get going? After all, if we don’t hurry up, we might loose him. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?”
“Err…no, Your Highness…” Chase gulped. “Hop on.”
“Thank you.”
And with that, Shandy and Bullet took off, following the trail of dust and foul obscenities that could be heard far-off in the distance.
By the time they had caught up with Trigger, it was late morning. He didn’t look at all pleased and when he saw the princess, he wasted no time in showing her an unhappy hand-gesture involving both his index and middle fingers. He had managed to break out of the stirrup and was lying against a tree. Thunder, meanwhile, was sheepishly wandering around the edge of the meadow they had stopped in. He had already had to endure Trigger’s lecture and wild rantings and now he thought it would be best to leave him alone to sulk.
“There you are!” Jenna smiled sweetly when she saw him. “What were you thinking, running off like that?” Trigger’s face turned a worrying shade of purple.
“YOU ALMOST KILLED ME, YOU WRETCHED WITCH!” he yelled, gesturing to a wound on his head that was bleeding heavily.
“Urgh…please don’t shout…” Jay moaned clutching his head. Having only just recovered from his drunken stupor, he was having a hard time in keeping his food down.
“Where are we?” Bullet asked Trigger, who was struggling to his feet, muttering dark curses under his breath. Once upright, he pulled the map from his pouch and gave a gruff sigh.
“I reckon we’re in the fields surrounding the forests of Hylur, so that means we have to-“
“Oi!”
All eyes turned to see who had interrupted. A portly man wearing a hooded cloak and holding a scythe was marching up to them, a look of anger on his face and what could only be described as a ball of fur lumbering along next to him…
“Can I help you, Sir?” Chase asked, trying his best to be polite. The man stopped a few yards away and growled, “Yes, you can! You can get off my farm, you trespassing little ruffians!”
“We’re terribly sorry…”
“No we’re not,” Trigger muttered.
“…We didn’t realise this was your property. Of course, we’ll go.”
They turned to go, when suddenly the farmer stopped them again.
“What about my crops!? You went and crushed most of my produce! I want payment!”
Chase sighed and indicated to his empty coin pouch.
“But we don’t have any money!”
The farmer licked his lips and thought for a second, before pointing to Shandy.
“I reckon those horses would be enough to cover the cost…especially that mare.”
“WHAT!!?” all the party yelled. Jay clung to Shandy’s neck and shook his head.
“Never!” he cried, and stuck out his tongue for good measure.
“Sorry, no can do.”
“I ain’t walking…”
Sensing something was going on, Thunder came trotting up and asked, “Have I missed something?”
The farmer almost dropped his scythe. “Cor blimey! It can talk!? That’s it! Give me those horses and I’ll give you ten coins as well! Deal?”
“Idiot,” Trigger spat at Thunder. “Why can’t you ever keep your mouth shut?”
Jay shook his head again and said firmly, “Nope, I’m not trusting anyone who wants to take away Shandy! Right, Chase?”
However, Chase was scratching his head in thought.
“Ten coins, huh?”
“Chase!” Jay yelled in horror. “Don’t even think about it! It’s only ten coins! We can get that much by just begging! If I loose Shandy, I’ll…I’ll…I’ll moan like mad for the rest of the trip! Then you’ll be sorry!”
“Yeah,” Bullet snorted. “I’m worth at least fifty coins, anyway!”
The farmer gasped again. “That one talks too? Make that twenty coins and I’ll throw in some grub, too.”
Even Trigger was starting to buckle now. It had been weeks since he’d had a proper meal. However, Jay was still shaking his head relentlessly. Thankfully, Jenna took control of the situation.
“As Princess of this land, I refuse to walk on the cold, dirty floor. I need these horses for the long journey ahead. Stand down, good farmer, or I’ll have my father strip you of all your land and have you thrown in the Rustar Dungeons.”
“Stuff off.”
Jenna looked completely taken aback.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard: stuff off, or I’ll set Muffin on you.”
As if to support this claim, ‘Muffin’ the fluff-ball gave a threatening snarl. Trigger couldn’t suppress a chuckle.
“What’s wrong, punk?” the farmer glared at him. “What’s so funny?”
“It’s just… how is something that pathetic going to get us? And what kind of name is ‘Muffin’? Isn’t that a cake of something?”
He bust into a fit of uncontrolled laughter. Chase and Jenna joined in. Even Jay, who usually took roughly an hour to figure things out, started to smile.
“Yeah,” he grinned. “Only a complete idiot would call their pet something like that!”
Unfortunately, the farmer did not agree.
“RUUUUUUN!”
“Jay! What were you thinking?!”
“I wasn’t!”
“No, you never do!”
“Well, how was I meant to know that the fluff-ball could become gigantic and breathe fire?!”
“Just shut up and ride faster!!!” Chase yelled, as the ground shook with each step of the colossal beast that pursued them. Thunder, Bullet and Shandy were galloping as if their lives depended on it, which, of course it did.
“You wait until my father hears about this!” Jenna screamed, clinging tightly to Chase. “Then you’ll really have something to run from!”
“Excuse me, but me and Trigger didn’t do anything!” Chase replied. “If, you’re going to get anyone in trouble, it’s got to be Jay! He’s the idiot who provoked it!”
“Am not!” came an annoyed cry from Chase’s left.
“Just shut up and run, you idiots!” Trigger called from behind. “You’ll have plenty of time to fight when we aren’t being chased by some demented freak!”
As if to prove his point, a tongue of fire suddenly erupted from the creature’s mouth, causing Jenna’s hair to catch alight. After emitting a terrific scream, Thunder managed to get alongside Bullet and Trigger put the fire out by mercilessly whacking the princess, and continued even after the fire was gone.
Thankfully, Jay pointed up ahead and cried, “Look! Isn’t that a forest? Do you think it’s Hylur?”
“Doesn’t matter if it is, we can still shelter there!”
“Less talking, more running for our lives!” Chase yelled as the creature slowly gained on them.
“We’re the one’s running, you ungrateful human!” Bullet snorted. “You’re just being lazy, like some dozy mare. No offence, Shandy.”
“None taken.”
The first line of trees was coming up fast. The three horses sped up, in a desperate attempt to reach safety before finding themselves in the beast’s stomach…
And almost ran off the edge of a cliff.
“Whoa!” Chase yelled, as Bullet reared up and tried to turn around. Jay and Trigger tried the same with their horses, much to their confusion.
“Dammit, Jay! It wasn’t a forest! It was just a small border of trees by this cliff!” Trigger cursed, glaring at Jay.
However, Jay had no time to reply, as the monster tore away the huddle of trees with ease and stood, towering over the group. The horses and riders slowly backed away, until they heard tiny grains of gravel fall and become lost to the drop. The end seemed near, and Chase gulped. As the beast’s boiling breath came closer and heavier, Jay suddenly had a brilliant idea.
“Look!” he yelled enthusiastically, pointing to the North. “Look! A distraction!!”
The monster roared in outrage, then actually turned it’s head to see what all the commotion was. Seeing nothing, it decided to get closer and investigate. As the sound of pounding feet faded away, Chase, Trigger, Jenna, Bullet, Thunder and Shandy all looked in disbelief at Jay. Then, at the exact same time, they yelled:
“How the hell did you do that?!”
“Ah, I guess it’s just talent,” he sighed modestly, smiling. However, his smile changed to one of uneasiness as a small tremor rumbled through the ground and caused everyone to jump. Bullet reared up again, and Jenna, who had not fully grasped what was going on, was thrown off his back…
…And into the eighty-foot drop.
The rest of the company all rushed to the edge of the cliff and gazed as the heir to the throne plummeted to her unavoidable death, screaming madly. As the sound faded and no sign of her could be seen, the group stared at each other in surprise, and jumped for joy.
“Woohoo!”
“Oh yeah! No more Bossy-Boots!”
“Booyah!
“Could today get any better!?”
After many minutes of this, the group slowly settled down and sat, panting on the cliff edge.
“Ah, that was good,” Trigger smiled.
“I hope it was a slow death,” Chase grinned devilishly.
Jay stood up and looked over the edge.
“I wonder what’s down there anyway?” he thought aloud…
…Just before the cliff edge collapsed.
To be continued in Chapter Two... 'A Hamster Eat Human World'.
“Please tell me why we hang out with him again,” Chase moaned, his head in his hands as the smaller of his two companions started dancing on the tabletop.
“Hey, it’s your fault for letting him have that much ale,” the other growled flatly. “I’m surprised that he’s still conscious after that round. Seven-teen pints, for God’s sake! How the heck does he do it!?”
Chase sighed, took up his own tankard and took a small swig.
“I don’t know, but I sure don’t envy the headache that he’s going to have in the morning.” Then, he quickly reached out and grabbed the drunk’s ankle, dragging him off the table into a dizzy heap.
“Oi, Jay! Stop embarrassing us, dammit, or I’ll kill you myself!” he scowled at the man, before returning to his ale. Instead of getting the hint, however, Jay took this as an opportunity to show his friends how special they were.
“I love you guyssss…” he mumbled, half-choking them in a drunken headlock and causing Chase to spurt out half of the liquid in his mouth. “You’re like my family and you… you…”
His sentence was cut short as he collapsed to the floor with a lopsided grin on his face. Chase sighed and continued drinking.
“Finally,” he muttered.
It was late evening in Craggly Peak, the continent’s only mountain-city. The sunset was blocked by the towering mountain range of the Crags, the line of terrain, which were seen by some people to be the very spine of the country. To others, it was simply known as ‘that bloody great, big load of mountains near the East’.
Either way, the mountain city was nearing night, and all the women and children returned to their small homes on the rocky slopes, while all the men quickly ushered into any available tavern. As there was only two in the whole area, this made things difficult, but, nevertheless, soon all the good men-folk were having bar-fights, vomiting in abundance and simply having fun.
Outside the smaller of these taverns, three horses pawed the ground impatiently. They felt miserable: their reins were making them itch, they had been tied too tight and, to make matters worse, they could sense a storm coming. However, their ears pricked up immediately when their owners came flying out of the tavern door, landing face first into the dirt.
“And don’t come back! Or I’ll call in the authorities!”
With a lot of groaning and complaining, the figures slowly got to their feet and dusted themselves down. Well, two of them did, the other was still giggling madly between vomiting on the floor. The horses trotted over, and the dapple-grey whinnied, before actually speaking.
“Enjoy yourselves?” it asked, smiling sweetly. Chase gave it a look of pure hatred.
“We would of if Trigger hadn’t started a fight.”
“Oh, that’s right! Blame me!” the other yelled sarcastically. “It’s not my fault that some idiot comes over to cause trouble!”
“He was asking for directions to the loo, for God’s sake!”
There was a short silence, before Trigger shrugged and replied,” Well, he deserved it with a dress sense like that. Anyway, I barely scratched him!”
“ You stuck your sword right through him!! And not only that, you went even further and cut his arms off!”
“Oh stop whining and help me get Jay onto Shandy!”
The smallest of the horses snorted and protested, “Can’t he ride on Bullet for tonight?” The dapple-grey stamped the ground and cried, “What!? No way! You think I’m crazy!? I’m Chase’s steed, not Jay’s!”
Shandy lowered her ears and turned to face the black horse that stood a good foot above her.
“Don’t even think it.”
The white mare bowed her head in defeat and sighed as her vomiting rider was strapped into her saddle. It felt like nothing could make her day any worse, when suddenly the heavens opened.
“Argh! Hail!” Chase cursed as several large chunks of ice pelted his head. “Who was the idiot who invented the damn stuff anyway!?”
Suddenly, a bolt of fork lighting struck at his feet and Bullet reared up on his hind legs, whinnying. A low rumble soon followed, and Chase shivered. It was times like this when he wondered why he ever left the safe, familiar warmth of his village. However, one look at his empty coin-pouch reminded him.
“This stinks!” he complained to Trigger, who was wisely sheltering under the small guttering of the tavern. “We’ve been walking around the continent for months ! We should have earned some money by now! Yet, here we are, a bunch of penniless guys, completely broke and CURSED!!“
“Well, that’s not necessary true, Chase,” Trigger pointed out. “We did earn some money, but we just blew it all on drink. And YOU’RE cursed, not us.”
“Yeah,” Bullet agreed. “You were the one who broke the sacred sapphire mirror in that woman’s shop…”
“And stood on her black cat…” Thunder, the other stallion pitched in.
“Oh, and then you went and got flattened by walking under the ladder propped up outside her shop…”
“YES, I GET THE POINT!!!” Chase yelled. “If I had known she was a witch, then I would have thought twice! How was I meant to know she had the power to curse!?”
“Well, the sign outside her shop did say, ‘Magic Emporium’…” Trigger said, unhelpfully. “And underneath it said quite clearly: ’Madame Jinks; fully qualified witch’.
Chase glared at the warrior with a look of increasing hatred, but was distracted when Jay started vomiting loudly, much to Shandy’s disgust. She looked up at Chase miserably and asked, “Can we go now please?”
Chase nodded and Trigger strode up to Thunder, swinging himself lightly into the saddle. Chase followed suit and turned to Trigger.
“Where now then, Mr-Know-It-All?”
After a quick glance at a ragged piece of cloth, Trigger frowned and shook his head.
“I dunno, I reckon this map we brought is fake.”
Chase sighed.
“Are you holding it the right way up?”
“Yep.”
“Is your thumb covering some of the areas?”
“Nope. Oh, hang on…”
After a long rummage in his saddlebag, he pulled out another piece of paper.
“It’s all right, I picked up the wrong map. This one’s the right one.”
“What’s the other one for?”
Trigger blushed and mumbled something. Chase didn’t bother asking him to speak up. Knowing Trigger, it was probably the secret map of how to break into the local armoury. Wherever there were weapons, there was Trigger, lovingly cradling them in his bulky arms, like they were the most precious things on earth.
Instead, Chase returned his attention to the warrior, who pointed due West.
“We should go a few miles that way before making a quick detour through the forests of Hylur. That way, we should reach Brimstown in a matter of a couple of days.” He double-checked the map, then nodded.
Chase shook his head, before asking, “This ‘detour’, is it going to be like the last one?”
“Look, it’s not my fault that we got lost and almost got swallowed by quicksand.”
Shandy felt sure that another argument would ensue, if there hadn’t been an interruption.
“Oh, Trigster!” came a relieved voice from behind them. Both Trigger and Chase turned around in unison, and quickly turned back as they saw a young woman stumbling up to them, holding her skirt up so not to get it dirty.
“Damn!” Trigger whimpered. “How the heck did she find us?! I thought we lost her in that jungle a few miles back!”
“Oh, Triggy! I found you!” the woman smiled happily as she caught up. She bounded over to Trigger in two strides and promptly hit him with enough force to knock out a small rhino. He fell off his saddle but his foot was still caught in the stirrup.
“DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!” the woman bellowed, all pleasantry lost. “I want you to apologise right now!!”
“For what!?” Trigger snapped, stemming his nosebleed with a grubby hand. Chase watched with growing amusement.
“How DARE you! First you leave me for dead in that jungle pit, then you have the nerve to say: ‘what did I do?”! Apologise!”
“You may be royalty, but that doesn’t give you the right to make me apologise, Princess!” Trigger growled.
Chase didn’t dare say so, but he agreed. Ever since her father had given them a contract to escort her across the country, Princess Jenna had done nothing but moan. After all they’d been through, it should be her apologising.
Slowly, she walked up next to Thunder’s flank and murmured, “Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you, Triggy…”
“How many times do I have to tell you: DON’T call me thaaaaaaaaaaaargh!”
Thunder suddenly bolted madly after Jenna smacked his flank, with Trigger still caught in the stirrup. As his head was smashed around on the floor and kicked by his steed’s heavy hoofs, Jenna smiled and dusted herself down.
“Damn you!” Trigger screamed madly, his voice becoming fainter as Thunder became a dot on the horizon. “Damn you to Hell you scheming son of a…”
Chase, Shandy and Bullet looked positively terrified.
Jenna casually strolled over to Chase and smiled sweetly.
“Don’t you think we should get going? After all, if we don’t hurry up, we might loose him. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?”
“Err…no, Your Highness…” Chase gulped. “Hop on.”
“Thank you.”
And with that, Shandy and Bullet took off, following the trail of dust and foul obscenities that could be heard far-off in the distance.
By the time they had caught up with Trigger, it was late morning. He didn’t look at all pleased and when he saw the princess, he wasted no time in showing her an unhappy hand-gesture involving both his index and middle fingers. He had managed to break out of the stirrup and was lying against a tree. Thunder, meanwhile, was sheepishly wandering around the edge of the meadow they had stopped in. He had already had to endure Trigger’s lecture and wild rantings and now he thought it would be best to leave him alone to sulk.
“There you are!” Jenna smiled sweetly when she saw him. “What were you thinking, running off like that?” Trigger’s face turned a worrying shade of purple.
“YOU ALMOST KILLED ME, YOU WRETCHED WITCH!” he yelled, gesturing to a wound on his head that was bleeding heavily.
“Urgh…please don’t shout…” Jay moaned clutching his head. Having only just recovered from his drunken stupor, he was having a hard time in keeping his food down.
“Where are we?” Bullet asked Trigger, who was struggling to his feet, muttering dark curses under his breath. Once upright, he pulled the map from his pouch and gave a gruff sigh.
“I reckon we’re in the fields surrounding the forests of Hylur, so that means we have to-“
“Oi!”
All eyes turned to see who had interrupted. A portly man wearing a hooded cloak and holding a scythe was marching up to them, a look of anger on his face and what could only be described as a ball of fur lumbering along next to him…
“Can I help you, Sir?” Chase asked, trying his best to be polite. The man stopped a few yards away and growled, “Yes, you can! You can get off my farm, you trespassing little ruffians!”
“We’re terribly sorry…”
“No we’re not,” Trigger muttered.
“…We didn’t realise this was your property. Of course, we’ll go.”
They turned to go, when suddenly the farmer stopped them again.
“What about my crops!? You went and crushed most of my produce! I want payment!”
Chase sighed and indicated to his empty coin pouch.
“But we don’t have any money!”
The farmer licked his lips and thought for a second, before pointing to Shandy.
“I reckon those horses would be enough to cover the cost…especially that mare.”
“WHAT!!?” all the party yelled. Jay clung to Shandy’s neck and shook his head.
“Never!” he cried, and stuck out his tongue for good measure.
“Sorry, no can do.”
“I ain’t walking…”
Sensing something was going on, Thunder came trotting up and asked, “Have I missed something?”
The farmer almost dropped his scythe. “Cor blimey! It can talk!? That’s it! Give me those horses and I’ll give you ten coins as well! Deal?”
“Idiot,” Trigger spat at Thunder. “Why can’t you ever keep your mouth shut?”
Jay shook his head again and said firmly, “Nope, I’m not trusting anyone who wants to take away Shandy! Right, Chase?”
However, Chase was scratching his head in thought.
“Ten coins, huh?”
“Chase!” Jay yelled in horror. “Don’t even think about it! It’s only ten coins! We can get that much by just begging! If I loose Shandy, I’ll…I’ll…I’ll moan like mad for the rest of the trip! Then you’ll be sorry!”
“Yeah,” Bullet snorted. “I’m worth at least fifty coins, anyway!”
The farmer gasped again. “That one talks too? Make that twenty coins and I’ll throw in some grub, too.”
Even Trigger was starting to buckle now. It had been weeks since he’d had a proper meal. However, Jay was still shaking his head relentlessly. Thankfully, Jenna took control of the situation.
“As Princess of this land, I refuse to walk on the cold, dirty floor. I need these horses for the long journey ahead. Stand down, good farmer, or I’ll have my father strip you of all your land and have you thrown in the Rustar Dungeons.”
“Stuff off.”
Jenna looked completely taken aback.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard: stuff off, or I’ll set Muffin on you.”
As if to support this claim, ‘Muffin’ the fluff-ball gave a threatening snarl. Trigger couldn’t suppress a chuckle.
“What’s wrong, punk?” the farmer glared at him. “What’s so funny?”
“It’s just… how is something that pathetic going to get us? And what kind of name is ‘Muffin’? Isn’t that a cake of something?”
He bust into a fit of uncontrolled laughter. Chase and Jenna joined in. Even Jay, who usually took roughly an hour to figure things out, started to smile.
“Yeah,” he grinned. “Only a complete idiot would call their pet something like that!”
Unfortunately, the farmer did not agree.
“RUUUUUUN!”
“Jay! What were you thinking?!”
“I wasn’t!”
“No, you never do!”
“Well, how was I meant to know that the fluff-ball could become gigantic and breathe fire?!”
“Just shut up and ride faster!!!” Chase yelled, as the ground shook with each step of the colossal beast that pursued them. Thunder, Bullet and Shandy were galloping as if their lives depended on it, which, of course it did.
“You wait until my father hears about this!” Jenna screamed, clinging tightly to Chase. “Then you’ll really have something to run from!”
“Excuse me, but me and Trigger didn’t do anything!” Chase replied. “If, you’re going to get anyone in trouble, it’s got to be Jay! He’s the idiot who provoked it!”
“Am not!” came an annoyed cry from Chase’s left.
“Just shut up and run, you idiots!” Trigger called from behind. “You’ll have plenty of time to fight when we aren’t being chased by some demented freak!”
As if to prove his point, a tongue of fire suddenly erupted from the creature’s mouth, causing Jenna’s hair to catch alight. After emitting a terrific scream, Thunder managed to get alongside Bullet and Trigger put the fire out by mercilessly whacking the princess, and continued even after the fire was gone.
Thankfully, Jay pointed up ahead and cried, “Look! Isn’t that a forest? Do you think it’s Hylur?”
“Doesn’t matter if it is, we can still shelter there!”
“Less talking, more running for our lives!” Chase yelled as the creature slowly gained on them.
“We’re the one’s running, you ungrateful human!” Bullet snorted. “You’re just being lazy, like some dozy mare. No offence, Shandy.”
“None taken.”
The first line of trees was coming up fast. The three horses sped up, in a desperate attempt to reach safety before finding themselves in the beast’s stomach…
And almost ran off the edge of a cliff.
“Whoa!” Chase yelled, as Bullet reared up and tried to turn around. Jay and Trigger tried the same with their horses, much to their confusion.
“Dammit, Jay! It wasn’t a forest! It was just a small border of trees by this cliff!” Trigger cursed, glaring at Jay.
However, Jay had no time to reply, as the monster tore away the huddle of trees with ease and stood, towering over the group. The horses and riders slowly backed away, until they heard tiny grains of gravel fall and become lost to the drop. The end seemed near, and Chase gulped. As the beast’s boiling breath came closer and heavier, Jay suddenly had a brilliant idea.
“Look!” he yelled enthusiastically, pointing to the North. “Look! A distraction!!”
The monster roared in outrage, then actually turned it’s head to see what all the commotion was. Seeing nothing, it decided to get closer and investigate. As the sound of pounding feet faded away, Chase, Trigger, Jenna, Bullet, Thunder and Shandy all looked in disbelief at Jay. Then, at the exact same time, they yelled:
“How the hell did you do that?!”
“Ah, I guess it’s just talent,” he sighed modestly, smiling. However, his smile changed to one of uneasiness as a small tremor rumbled through the ground and caused everyone to jump. Bullet reared up again, and Jenna, who had not fully grasped what was going on, was thrown off his back…
…And into the eighty-foot drop.
The rest of the company all rushed to the edge of the cliff and gazed as the heir to the throne plummeted to her unavoidable death, screaming madly. As the sound faded and no sign of her could be seen, the group stared at each other in surprise, and jumped for joy.
“Woohoo!”
“Oh yeah! No more Bossy-Boots!”
“Booyah!
“Could today get any better!?”
After many minutes of this, the group slowly settled down and sat, panting on the cliff edge.
“Ah, that was good,” Trigger smiled.
“I hope it was a slow death,” Chase grinned devilishly.
Jay stood up and looked over the edge.
“I wonder what’s down there anyway?” he thought aloud…
…Just before the cliff edge collapsed.
To be continued in Chapter Two... 'A Hamster Eat Human World'.
