The Wingless Angel | Page 1 | The Art of Writing | Guild Forums

Batmen

Offline

Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 11:59 am

The Wingless Angel

The Sun shine down on me as birds flew over my head leaving their songs behide.My heart start to beat faster as I think about the beautiful wingless angel. The Same angel that I'm inlove with. Then a feeling take over my body and I could feel that there was someone here. I turn around and there she was. The wingless angel She was so beautiful as the red sunset made the sky around her red. I open my mouth and the first words that come out were, "you look so beautiful".She then say' "thank you" like she had hear it all before. I then wish that I could tell her all my feeling that I had for her. I wish so hard that I could tell her that I love her with all my heart and soul and that I would do almost anything for her.

Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:04 pm

It's very lovely heart

Kittine
Captain

Offline

Batmen

Offline

Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:08 pm

Kittine

It's very lovely heart

Thank you and if you want to poem here and tell me how you feel about the poem. Please do. I will take it all bad or good. If I get a bad one, it is ok..I'm not going to ban you...God no. ninja I'm just going to say Thank you because this way I know that you are tell me what you think of it and tell me also that I have to really work on it some more. 3nodding

Posted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 4:12 pm

I like the images that you are presenting and the concept is nice. cut down on the redundency of the words / phrases you repeat and find other things to replace them with to expand the image.

Also, with my writings, poetry is sentence by sentence. don't write it as one paragraph. break it down to 4 line stanzas.

Outside of that, keep it up. you have some talent in that pen you have

DP_Kei
Crew

Dangerous Raider

25,215 Points

100
100
200

Offline

The Game is here!

Offline

Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 6:09 am

DP_Kei

I like the images that you are presenting and the concept is nice. cut down on the redundency of the words / phrases you repeat and find other things to replace them with to expand the image.

Also, with my writings, poetry is sentence by sentence. don't write it as one paragraph. break it down to 4 line stanzas.

Outside of that, keep it up. you have some talent in that pen you have

Hay did you seen Kenneth new poem? It's great! 3nodding

Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 11:25 am

Ok, I'm gonna be kinda nit-picky but the little things bother me. sweatdrop Sorry.

Batmen

The Wingless Angel

The Sun shines down on me as birds fly over my head leaving their songs behind. My heart starts to beat faster as I think about the beautiful wingless angel. The Same angel that I'm in love with. Then a feeling takes over my body and I could feel that there was someone here. I turn around and there she was. The wingless angel She was so beautiful as the red sunset made the sky around her red. I open my mouth and the first words that come out were, "you look so beautiful".She then says' "thank you" like she had heard it all before. I then wish that I could tell her all my feelings that I had for her. I wish so hard that I could tell her that I love her with all my heart and soul and that I would do almost anything for her.

And somewhere in there you switched tenses from present to past.

Once again, sorry for being so annoying about the details, it's not meant to be rude, just to help. Feel free to ignore it if you wish

Living_Black_Rose

Offline

Welcome to Gaia! ::

Gaia Guilds

Clan of the Rose

Quick Reply

More Information