Advice for Life

[Zercia]

ErinsChaos

nochdguir

now im not sure where "here" is but i know its a long ways away from where we were only hours before i cant even say were dating casue i dont think we are but i know for sure Erin cares for me back as much as i care for her

stare Gawd men are cocky aren't they??? I was very very tempted to abuse my Moderator rights and rewrite if not just delete his entire post just cause I could but I managed to refrain myself....

For the record I couldn't state where "here" is either.. and no idea where the road I am on will lead... but as he would put it.. He's "pulled me into the fire" and I'm no longer just standing outside it. Guess I'm of the mind set of "baby-steps" at the moment... Still terrified it will ruin our friendship though he assures me it won't and I'm insisting things go slow to try to prevent that. He's been there with me through a lot in the past almost year now.. and I'd hate to loose that. But as he pointed out that great friendship is even more reason to see if there really could be more since we already have that to build a foundation on... I don't know that I would say we are "dating" either.. seeing as how technically we've never gone out on a "date"

Is everyone else as confused as I am? lol And Joe? I do hope this continues to be an Advice thread like it was inteneded... We already have a support group thread lol.... Okay.. so back to that nap I was wanting....

Zzzzz.... zzzzz.... zzzzz.... zzzzz.... zzzzz.... zzzz...

Good girl not abusing your power. You should watch Kiara at times when noone is around how we play around with our posts. Yes we have post wars. LOL Here is your gold star.


I do know about the friend having feeling for the other relitionship. I have had the guy inlove with and the guy I a inlove with.
I will say be open with each other totally. Tell each other the turth in always ways. Why you don't want to be a couple? With the one who loves me I told him because we are not what each wants in a partner. He wants the white picket fance wife that works part time. I want someone I can mediated with and have a greener life with. There one I will say it a harder one I do love him but we were not ture to our feelings. It got to the point I had to leave him. We were hurting each other alot. Be turthful to yourselfs and your feelings.  

[ErinsChaos]

Zercia

Why you don't want to be a couple?

confused ..... very good question oh Queeny of our land....
I started out saying no to his advances with a lot of very valid reasons and good excuses and though none of those really seem to have detered him I will go ahead and post a few of them...

My first reason and biggest fear was due to the screwed up laws in V.A. Technically Adam and I are still married and though he has made it obvious that he has moved on and doesn't care if I do the same, there is another big enough reason for me to be cautious. Because we are legally still married if he could prove that I've been "unfaithful" he could take my girls away from me in a heart beat basically.... No prospect of happiness no matter how much happiness we are discussing would be worth loosing them. Simply isn't a risk I am willing to take... So... until the divorce is final which could still be months if not a year or more... I just really have to becareful... Now please don't misinterpert me saying that Adam is or would be that hypocritical. When that conversation was first brought up it was because he was afraid that I was asking for a divorce because there was someone else and he was letting me know that if that was the case he would have no problem making sure he got custody of our girls... and my word would be dirt in court. I really don't think he would be that cruel at this point.. but I can't take that risk ya know?

Other reasons though? Not wanting to ruin our friendship, worried about the effect all of this will have on my girls... (mommy and daddy getting a divorce is hard enough to comprehend.. then add in daddy's new g/f and then mommy's b/f???)

Well... does that answer your question Queeny?  

[JoeEuphonium]

Which brings me back straight to my advice Erin...You just simply need to leave. I mean I know this is difficult enough and I didn't want to mention the girls until you did but in honesty this is not fair to them either. And I tell you this as a father who's greatest joys and the thing that he has wanted more than anything else in life are his own two little blessings. And I can only give this advice on the little that I know ... I have know idea how happy your precious girls are... I don't know if they comprehend the situation of mom and dad getting ready to leave each other and of Noch being there...I don't know how Noch feels about becoming an instant father (all though if he loves you as much as I think then I'm sure he is ecstatic) I can tell you though that things will be awkward for your girls...."I live with mommy and daddy and Daddys friend and Mommies friend". I went through a divorce when I was 10...I cried only once...when my mom told me...my dad never said anything about it. My youngest sister though was six....she didn't understand either....but she hated my mom for a very long time and blamed her that we had to leave our dad...she wanted to live with him but she couldn't realize that he had left us...and my mom was to good a person to show her that and just took the blunt of her anger........ I know this is not your situation...your very lucky to have Adam love his little girls as much as you do.....*sigh* I'm sorry if I say anything here that may upset you I promise I say everything out of love for you and for Noch and your girls and Adam. I still think leaving is the best option. I know you say its just not possible financially at this point...and I don't know if staying with family is an option...or even .... maybe you might want to consider moving out with noch...all though i would consider that a last option although be it a slightly better one then all 4 of you living together....as for legal purposes...hmm your right to play it safe espeacially when it comes to your kids all though I might not worry as much once his new girlfriend moves in....I have a feeling that I should just keep my fat mouth shut but...thats not what friends do...  

[Nochdguir]

JoeEuphonium

Which brings me back straight to my advice Erin...You just simply need to leave. I mean I know this is difficult enough and I didn't want to mention the girls until you did but in honesty this is not fair to them either. And I tell you this as a father who's greatest joys and the thing that he has wanted more than anything else in life are his own two little blessings. And I can only give this advice on the little that I know ... I have know idea how happy your precious girls are... I don't know if they comprehend the situation of mom and dad getting ready to leave each other and of Noch being there...I don't know how Noch feels about becoming an instant father (all though if he loves you as much as I think then I'm sure he is ecstatic) I can tell you though that things will be awkward for your girls...."I live with mommy and daddy and Daddy's friend and Mommies friend". I went through a divorce when I was 10...I cried only once...when my mom told me...my dad never said anything about it. My youngest sister though was six....she didn't understand either....but she hated my mom for a very long time and blamed her that we had to leave our dad...she wanted to live with him but she couldn't realize that he had left us...and my mom was to good a person to show her that and just took the blunt of her anger........ I know this is not your situation...your very lucky to have Adam love his little girls as much as you do.....*sigh* I'm sorry if I say anything here that may upset you I promise I say everything out of love for you and for Noch and your girls and Adam. I still think leaving is the best option. I know you say its just not possible financially at this point...and I don't know if staying with family is an option...or even .... maybe you might want to consider moving out with noch...all though i would consider that a last option although be it a slightly better one then all 4 of you living together....as for legal purposes...hmm your right to play it safe especially when it comes to your kids all though I might not worry as much once his new girlfriend moves in....I have a feeling that I should just keep my fat mouth shut but...thats not what friends do...

just for the record i already love the girls to death i am so wrapped around their little fingers even though the do drive me up a wall many a time. and i know this will be hard on the girls but having to go through it twice (once with Adam and his g/f and then again with me and Erin) would be harder on them than just learning it all at the same time shoot when we were looking at places to move into abi ( the oldest) ran up and pointed at one of the rooms and said it was hers and her sister and the other room was her mommy's (Erin) and mine and this was even before Erin knew.... creepy in a good way i suppose well off i go fpr now chow all

p.s ( Erin was already training me to be a dad......scary... i wonder if it was subconscious...)  

[Camwen]

There are a few things I don't understand about this situation..


----Why does the (almost 18 year old) girlfriend need to move in to your household? Does she have no place else to go? Is she being kicked out of her house and has no money? If this is someone that doesn't have a job and won't be contributing to the household expenses she is only going to
make it more difficult to save enough money to find a place of your own.

If she does have a job and a place to live, why isn't your husband moving in with her?

-----Are you and your husband now legally separated? Do you have to file something for that? And can you be legally separated and still live at the same address together? Also if you are legally separated are you now free to date other people or can that still be held against you?

As for your relationship with Noch. Here are some questions to ask yourself. Do you feel real passion towards him or not? Or do you just really need comfort from someone. Do you often shape yourself and your feelings into what others need you to be or feel? What do YOU need?

I think it's too late to worry about ruining the friendship. Be honest (as someone else very wise advised) and the friendship with endure or not on it's own. If you are truly just worried about the kids and legality of the divorce that's one thing. But don't use that as a way to avoid your own feelings or the truth. Usually when I hear someone say they don't want to ruin the friendship it means you don't feel the same way but don't want to be responsible for hurting the other person (especially during a time you need comfort). If you do love him back than let yourself love him without guilt.

Frankly if this marriage is over and you want the kids to come through this ok the first priority is to work out a serious budget (not just you -all adults living there) and find out a way to change the living situation as soon as possible. Find out exactly what you need to put the divorce in motion and work out how you want to handle custody. If you each found other people to love and keep you happy that's great but everyone living together like that can not be good for anyone involved.

Let yourself grieve for the things you cannot do anything about. Work on the things you can change. Even the huge things are not unsurmountable if you take them one step at a time. As long as you keep moving forward you can eventually look back and be amazed and how much you were able to accomplish.

One more thing. Take some time each day if you can to NOT think of any of this. Take a walk by yourself or just listen to a nice song- or just sit in a room alone. Anything to just free yourself from your troubles for a few minutes.

As all advice - take what you find useful (if any) and throw out the rest smile My thoughts are with you. ((((hugs))))  

[ErinsChaos]

Alright lemme see if I can answer bits and pieces of this...

Camwen

----Why does the (almost 18 year old) girlfriend need to move in to your household? Does she have no place else to go? Is she being kicked out of her house and has no money? If this is someone that doesn't have a job and won't be contributing to the household expenses she is only going to
make it more difficult to save enough money to find a place of your own.

If she does have a job and a place to live, why isn't your husband moving in with her?

Hmm why is she moving here? The somewhat uncensored answer? She simply wants out of her parents house and wants to be with the man she loves? She is planning on getting a job out here as well as continuing her education... As for why he isn't getting a place with her? Again at the moment that financially isn't possible.. eventually I'm sure that is the plan.. but he also wasn't going to just quit his job and leave his kids behind to go down to be with her in N.C. .... hope that answers that one....

Camwen

-----Are you and your husband now legally separated? Do you have to file something for that? And can you be legally separated and still live at the same address together? Also if you are legally separated are you now free to date other people or can that still be held against you?

Technically from what we have read, been told and heard if it is a no-fault divorce no Legal seperation needs be had... However it does state that we have to not be living together.. but they don't really question that one. With the exception of the fact that my name is on our new lease it wouldn't be that hard to convince a judge that we are not living together and that I am simply here at the house to watch our children while he is at work... And technically if Adam wanted to be an a** and get proof of me being unfaithful he could go down and get a divorce tomorrow basically.. w/o the year wait I believe and because I would be charged with adultery he would get custody of the girls... I don't forsee him being that much of an a**.. but again not really wanting to take the risk.. who knows I could start Pmsing next week and piss him off and suddenly who knows right?

Camwen

As for your relationship with Noch. Here are some questions to ask yourself. Do you feel real passion towards him or not? Or do you just really need comfort from someone. Do you often shape yourself and your feelings into what others need you to be or feel? What do YOU need?

What do I need? *scratches her head... * Good question.. I think I would have to walk away and come back tomorrow or a year from now to truly answer that one... It's probably a long list lol A rubber room and all the mozzy-sticks I can eat??!!?? lol j/k bad time for jokes?? lol Do I feel passion towards him? Or do I just need comfort?? Wow Cam.. you really should start hosting your own talk show or something.. suddenly I feel like I'm on a barbra walters show. *sweat starts dripping down forhead* I'm sure I need comfort.. I'm usually the one to give it and with all I'm going through.. (all of this marriage crap aside just dealing with my brother's death is enough to make me want to curl up and be taken care of...) Do I NEED comfort though? It all depends on the meaning of that.. I can live w/o it.. And I can get it from other people.. family who is grieving as well and friends I've known for years who are always there to be supportive... So I don't see me turning to Noch for that reason if that's what you are getting at...

Camwen

I think it's too late to worry about ruining the friendship. Be honest (as someone else very wise advised) and the friendship with endure or not on it's own. If you are truly just worried about the kids and legality of the divorce that's one thing. But don't use that as a way to avoid your own feelings or the truth. Usually when I hear someone say they don't want to ruin the friendship it means you don't feel the same way but don't want to be responsible for hurting the other person (especially during a time you need comfort). If you do love him back than let yourself love him without guilt.

"If I do love him.. love him w/o guilt..."
Okay.. first of all I think that's getting a bit ahead of where I'm at.. Of course I care about him.. He's been the best friend I've had for quite some time and he's been here for me through alot.. (even when he was still out in CA) I was there for him the day his step-grandmother passed away so yes I do care about him.. and I don't feel guilty about it... I wasn't using that as an excuse... My fear was more along the lines of "Once you cross a line you can't just go back.. and if I am willing to give this a shot and it doesnt work out? then I've lost a really really good friend... " I don't want to loose that...

Camwen

Frankly if this marriage is over and you want the kids to come through this ok the first priority is to work out a serious budget (not just you -all adults living there) and find out a way to change the living situation as soon as possible. Find out exactly what you need to put the divorce in motion and work out how you want to handle custody. If you each found other people to love and keep you happy that's great but everyone living together like that can not be good for anyone involved.

Let yourself grieve for the things you cannot do anything about. Work on the things you can change. Even the huge things are not unsurmountable if you take them one step at a time. As long as you keep moving forward you can eventually look back and be amazed and how much you were able to accomplish.

One more thing. Take some time each day if you can to NOT think of any of this. Take a walk by yourself or just listen to a nice song- or just sit in a room alone. Anything to just free yourself from your troubles for a few minutes.

As all advice - take what you find useful (if any) and throw out the rest smile My thoughts are with you. ((((hugs))))

As for the rest of this Camwen.. I will take it into consideration.. It is much appreciated advice.. truly it is.. And believe me I will be following the bit of getting a financial strategy going so I can get out of here a.s.a.p... That was kind of the idea I had in mind when I asked for the divorce in the first place.. Life just keeps getting in the way of my goals... But I'll keep my head up and keep going cause that's what I do... Thanks again for all the advice everyone... *hugs*  

[Camwen]

Thanks for explaining part of what's going on. I'm really sorry if my post came out a little too harsh. I don't mean to be Barbara Walters wink Or heaven forbid, Jerry Springer! domokun rofl

Anyway, this can't be easy on any of you! I wish you well and hope things improve very soon!  

[JoeEuphonium]

you shouldn't feel bad cam! These are really good questions that you are asking I mean .... sometimes its good to hear these questions from others because it can get you to sit down and actually think about whats going on and by us asking it may help her clarify some things for her at least we hope it does. And I know Erin knows that we ask her out of love and concern. 3nodding  

[Platinum Lyon]

I don't even know where to start!! Thank you all so much for being so supportive of Erin. I leave Sunday to go to Washington D.C., which is close enough that Erin (and hopefully Morgan) will get to come see me and stay a night or two in an awesomely expensive hotel that my husbands company is paying for.

And Erin, you are right I completely forgot about the targets on Morgan. Make sure he doesn't take them off. Also know that my heart and should go out to you, Morgan, and Adam right now. In that order. I still have issues with him bring M into your home. Ah well so is life and I am counting the days until I see you again.

You know you can call me anytime!

(Also to anyone who is in the US, if you ever need to talk. PM me, I can call anywhere without long distance charges!!)  

[Nochdguir]

*prompt;y hangs up a sign next to him saying* "no siblings are allowed to take shots with anything other than words...."



... sorry jenn you're gonna hurt me if i leave you with that kind of power razz ninja  

[ErinsChaos]

Camwen... You weren't being to harsh... You just hit all the questions dead on that's all... some of which I couldn't answer.. and some of which I just didn't lol But Joe was right.. they are questions that needed to be asked and I appreciate you being the one to ask them... *hugs*  

[JoeEuphonium]

nochdguir

*prompt;y hangs up a sign next to him saying* "no siblings are allowed to take shots with anything other than words...."



... sorry jenn you're gonna hurt me if i leave you with that kind of power razz ninja

hahaha you better thank your lucky butt your not here in Texas, home of the Shotgun and Handgun! You hear that Noch....its the banjo from Deliverance! hehehehe *hugs* ahh its not so bad buddy d**k Chenney Shot a man in the face with a shot gun and he lived...hurt like hell but he lived! I'm sure you'd take one in the butt heheheh lol! Ok I appologize for bringing humor into this situation...serious face back on.  

[Nochdguir]

JoeEuphonium

nochdguir

*prompt;y hangs up a sign next to him saying* "no siblings are allowed to take shots with anything other than words...."



... sorry jenn you're gonna hurt me if i leave you with that kind of power razz ninja

hahaha you better thank your lucky butt your not here in Texas, home of the Shotgun and Handgun! You hear that Noch....its the banjo from Deliverance! hehehehe *hugs* ahh its not so bad buddy d**k Chenney Shot a man in the face with a shot gun and he lived...hurt like hell but he lived! I'm sure you'd take one in the butt heheheh lol! Ok I appologize for bringing humor into this situation...serious face back on.

no worries joe humor is fine if we cant laugh there no point to anything
meh id be more worried bout erin shooting me with my own browning 5-1 semi auto 12 gauge mag than jenn shooting me with a gun however her pockets carry even more dangerous stuff than a gun lol ( oh and btw rock salt in the leg from a 10 gauge hurts.... ninja )  

[JoeEuphonium]

Well yeah later on hopefully we might be able to chuckle about this but at the same time right now maybe lightening the mood with humor, as much as it is hard for me to not do, is not so appropriate. Noch... I know you don't keep loaded weapons in a house with children....right... cry  

[Kira Rae 74]

Wow. you people are amazing. I have been in oother online forums and online RPG's and I have never seen the honesty and friendship I have here. I feel comfortable enough to share my problems here..and I dont talk much about my stuff, I am no good with advise...I would rather just sit back and listen. Thank you for being so honest and open. Making the new person fell comfortable smile smile