[FIN] Playing Pretend

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Mmh... Here and back in Sinnoh, usually people would bury their dead in coffins at graveyards, though some are cremated.. There isn't really any kind of ceremony around the cremation itself, but afterwards there can be. We can do something if you want though." Sandalwood, eh? That'd be easy enough to remember. Abel huffed out a soft breath. "The former's what we did for Amelia, after she was found. We'd go to the graveyard to visit her once in a while, at least on her birthday and whenever else we felt so inclined."  

[TawnyAngel]

"That's... Nice isn't the right word. You know what I mean though?" Zevran shrugged again and looked down at the coin in his hand. "Sometimes people scatter the ashes somewhere that was important to - ha - their former owner. Sometimes they're kept in urns, fancy urns. The last monarch who died was placed in one made of solid gold encrusted with jewels, very tacky but a grand statement of wealth and power. It was stolen a while ago, caused quite the stir." He was avoiding talking about anything personal. Abel was going to notice that.

"Does visiting help?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel nodded. "I know what you mean, yeah. It's... it's a difficult thing to describe or try to put into words. People do the same thing here when someone's cremated, though I don't know about a solid gold urn," he said with a wry smile. A few moments later the smile faded a bit and he went on, "But a funeral or a ceremony of some sort is more for the living than for the dead, to give them a sense of closure. A plot in a graveyard is... mh, a focal point I guess?" He frowned a bit at the word, then shrugged before his free hand shifted over to curl around under Zevran's, his colorful gaze drifting down to the coin he held. "It's something to remember them by that you go and visit, rather than something you carry with you. My parents still have some of her things up in the attic, and I know Mom goes up to sift through them sometimes. It... yes, I think it helps to have something like that. It helps bring back memories you shared together, things you don't ever want to forget. I don't go visit my family too often so I visit her grave even less.. I do have a couple pictures of her though that I'll look at once in a while though. I think it's nice to have things like that -- it's helped me."  

[TawnyAngel]

Closure. He didn't see how anything they did could give him closure. It would be farcical to hold a ceremony for somebody he had killed himself, yet if he didn't who would? And they had promised to do their best, grandiose promises they had been; ten kinds of incense, enough wine to get the whole city drunk, five hundred beautiful people hired to wail mournfully; that sort of thing.

As Abel slid his hand under Zevran's own his ran his thumb slowly over the surface of the coin. "Well. I have this... I don't want to bring back any memories but nor do I wish to part with it. I killed him. How can I ever remember him without remembering that too?" Zevran's voice was quiet but his tone was inscrutable; his gaze remained fixed on the coin.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"I'm glad you have it. You can always keep it somewhere in the apartment and take it out when you want to, but..." A soft frown tugged the corners of his lips downward as he pondered the best way to phrase what he wanted to say. "Healing takes time. I know after Amelia died, anytime anyone mentioned her or I saw something of hers, or something reminded me of her.. all I could think of was - well - how she looked when she was found. Tossed in a ditch off the side of the road, covered in dirt and mud and left to sit out there and just.. decompose until someone found her. All I could think of was how it was my fault it happened. I didn't want to bring back any memories of her, I didn't want to remember anything or think about it at all because everything about it just hurt. But after a while it got better. It still hurt, of course, but eventually I could think of her and not think of what happened, I could remember her laugh, her smile, the way she'd try to sneak an extra cookie when she didn't think Mom was looking which, of course she knew. I still think about what happened sometimes and how awful it was, but now I usually think of how she was before that," Abel finished with a small half-shrug. "You just need to give yourself time to heal."  

[TawnyAngel]

Abel knew what he was talking about. He knew he knew, but that didn't make him able to accept it as something that would actually happen. Perhaps, though, that would change in time; he was already doing and feeling things he couldn't have imagined a year ago. Maybe in another year this wouldn't feel as it felt now... Well not right now, right now the exhausted numbness persisted but he didn't expect it to last very long.

"Time and talking eh?" Zevran turned his head a little so that he could press a soft kiss to Abel's collar bone. "You said you wanted to speak of other things about yourself, what were they?"  

[BlackFireKitsune]

Abel made a pleased sound low in his throat as the frown promptly morphed to a smile. "That's right. And I did say that, didn't I?" He turned his head so he could return the kiss with one of his own to the top of Zevran's head. "Mmh, I told you before about how I killed the guy that killed Amelia, yeah? That was enough for Taavi, but I know you know there's more to the story." Oh yes, Zevran had never asked but he knew that wasn't all he'd done. Not with how big that folder had been that he'd gotten from Alyssa's employer... and not with the sniper rifle hidden away in his closet.  

[TawnyAngel]

Zevran snorted and then made a noise of agreement. "I would have to be blind and stupid to think that was all it was... Ah... Not that I mean to call Taavi blind and stupid." Zevran sighed and set down the bottle of water so that he could rub his face. A year ago he would have thought that Taavi was blind and stupid but now... "Perhaps I mean that with my experience in life I could see the clues that there was more, and I saw that folder too." That seemed like a less cruel way to put it.

"Shall we sit somewhere more comfortable to talk?" Zevran added a moment later. "My a** is going numb, too bony. Really, that is one of the greatest tragedies in all of this." When in doubt, use humour.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Hah, I know you don't think he's blind or stupid you goof," the taller blond said with a chuckle as he leaned forward, one hand lifting to gently knot its fingers in Zevran's blond hair as he nuzzled his face into his boyfriend's neck. A moment later he peppered it with soft kisses, moving rapidly up his jaw to do the same to his cheek just because he could, because he felt like it. Talk of the past could wait another moment or two, yes. "We can absolutely sit somewhere more comfortable so we can spare your poor lovely a** from going numb. I can massage it if you want, if it'll keep that tragedy at bay."  

[TawnyAngel]

Knowing he didn't deserve the tender kisses nearly made him pull away from them. Only nearly. Zevran sighed and tilted his head just a little away from Abel to give his gentle lips better access. He wanted to be kissed, to be held, to be loved, and he loathed himself for that because he knew he was unworthy! Wasn't that hilariously pathetic?

"Good. I'm glad you don't think that. Taavi is a very kind young man." A strange creature, he seemed to casually deal with things that he himself baulked from and yet on other fronts Taavi was clueless. "I suppose there is much to be said for diverse skill sets?"

Abel's riposte to his humour got a small smile from Zevran but then he shook his head. "Tempting, but I think your hands are better occupied elsewhere. Ah. Not like that. I mean," he gestured awkwardly, "more innocently. Really I- well I would just like to be close to you." It made him feel guilty, but better as well and more better than it did guilty.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

"Agreed on both counts, and you're adorable." Abel smiled into his boyfriend's neck as he pressed one last, long kiss there before leaning away again. "I think cuddling in bed while we talk is a good idea, yeah? Or, well, while I talk, at least." Either way it was time to get off the floor, so the taller blond pushed himself to his feet before carefully helping Zevran up as well, once he was ready.  

[TawnyAngel]

"Ha." Adorable. How could Abel think that? "A very good idea."

Zevran suppressed a grimace as Abel helped him upright, kept it suppressed as they slowly made their way through into the main room again. By the time they reached the bed his breaths were shallow and fast despite his efforts to regulate them, agony and exhaustion combined rendered him too pathetic for even a simple task such as that.

When Abel helped him to sit down Zevran kept a grip on his arm for a few moments until he was fairly sure he wouldn't keel over when released. Once he was fairly sure he squeezed Abel's arm and nodded. "Thanks."  

[BlackFireKitsune]

As they slowly, slowly crossed the room Abel did his best to keep his arm steady for his love, more than happy to go at whatever pace Zevran needed to, no matter how slow. Even after he'd sat down though Zev held onto his arm just in case, but once he'd let go of it Abel lifted his hands to cup his love's cheeks briefly so he could place a soft kiss on his forehead. He'd have to be blind or stupid not to notice how weak and utterly worn out he was; the fact made his heart ache. "D'you want to sit for now, or lie down?"  

[TawnyAngel]

"Lying down sounds good," Zevran confessed. "I am... ah... a little worn out." As if that wasn't obvious to both of them, but he knew by now that Abel would play the game and not make a big deal of it.

Zevran set his bottle of water down on the little nightstand and then eased himself cautiously down to lie against the soft pillows on his side, facing towards where he assumed Abel would come to lie; there wasn't exactly a lot of space behind him for a healthy sized man.  

[BlackFireKitsune]

A soft smile curved his lips. "Lying down is exactly what I wanted to do, so that sounds perfect," he said as he hovered nearby in case Zev needed a little help lying down comfortably, but once he settled down on the bed Abel moved over to the other side to lie down beside him. "I have a confession to make," the blond said matter-of-factly as he slid closer and draped an arm around Zevran's waist as he tilted his head forward to lean his forehead against his boyfriend's. "Cuddling with you is my favorite." A pause. "Probably because you're my favorite."