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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 8:10 am
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They had been together for four months. Between them, at least, things had been peaceful, even if the world around them was in a constant state of upheaval. It was easy to spend time together, to listen to music, discuss projects and make travel plans.
Lawrence had been making a tremendous effort, and it mattered, but some conditions of the relationship hung over the pair of them like a sword.
It felt like less of an if than a when there would be a slip, that the thread holding the sword would fray, and one of Lawrence's many addictions would end everything. They had discussed it over the two years they had known each other, and it was a large part of why Rodney had stressed he could never go further.
That they had gone further had been a break on the part of Rodney's restraint, on the heels of being pulled back bodily from torture and death. It had destroyed a relationship (and Rodney had made that evil decision, for selfish reasons), but between them (for now) there was a happiness, and peace that always surprised him. It was the for now which settled like a storm on the horizon.
Lawrence had not mentioned it, and Rodney hadn't either. They'd only agreed to be committed. For Rodney's part, it was absolute. On Lawrence's, a hope that he might manage it for a while. That he might be able to hold on to something good, before losing everything and spinning back to some dark place.
It had been a strange few weeks.
Rodney was having difficulty concentrating on his work.
With a sigh, he set aside his sculpting tools, protecting the increasingly worried looking angel with a sheet before going to look for Lawrence.
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 8:38 am
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Lawrence didn't want anything to do with anyone on the island for a while for his own reasons.
He'd spent a lot of his time cleaning, cleaning every single inch of the house with a meticulous attentiveness that would have been impressive to someone who didn't know him. When he was done with that he'd resorted to gardening, running the garden with the same sort of vicious efficiency and pruning he'd like to inflict upon the world as a whole.
The fact of the matter was that he was happy with Rodney, but outside that bubble of contentment and domestic pleasure, he was struggling with a lot of heavy issues. The fact of the matter was that he'd told Rodney multiple times that he couldn't commit to this, that it was too much for him and his limited willpower. He'd warned him a hundred times or more, and yet here they were in a place he'd never dared to hope he'd be. He was happy when it was them, but the fact of the matter was that sometimes it wasn't just them, there was a whole world out there full of pleasures and satisfactions, things he wanted and craved more than all else.
One one hand he was happy in his little home he'd created, but on the other he felt like a child who'd been grounded forever and was deeply and darkly bitter about it. Every conversation he had with Melvin, he wanted him and resented that he couldn't have him, every time he found himself eyeing some hunter he'd never met with too much hunger in his eyes, he resented it. He knew there was an ultimatum hanging over him that if he slipped up it was over and that it was final, Rodney wouldn't sleep with anyone again, he wouldn't be happy ever again.
And over time, he resented that too. He felt like it was something Rodney had set in place because he didn't understand him, he didn't know the kind of person he was. He felt like he needed help and rather than being given it he was simply told that rather than being helped he was simply told that he better never be in need ever again or he was simply going to be left behind.
Lawrence didn't talk about his innermost thoughts, he was used to people asking about them and having to lie, to tell them they didn't want to know. They would always insist that they did, they wanted to know how he felt, that they wouldn't judge him, and then when he told them, they'd leave. So it was with Rodney too, one day he'd leave because of who Lawrence was and he knew that it was coming, making the happy day to day moments in the company of the other man sting like a raw wound, making him tetchy and restless.
Whenever things were nice it was always temporary and this would be too. The world beyond it just looked like a dark and miserable place, there was no ending he could see where he could have what he needed and what he wanted, one thing simply erased everything else. It was commit himself for ever to Rodney and live life as a happy contented persona of a man who didn't ache with all his being for the world around him or do as he pleased and lose perhaps the last truly light thing he'd ever possessed.
It was unbearable.
When Rodney found him he was in the garden, spreading carefully divided soil over another bed of flowers for spring.
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 11:42 am
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 12:01 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 12:23 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 12:33 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:28 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:28 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:29 pm
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Rodney's shirt was undone, and he had lightly undone Lawrence's buttons, giving him gentle kisses along his jaw and neck. It was afternoon, and the house was quiet. He responded easily, at the lightest of touches, but didn't respond with frustration.
"I thought you seemed worried," he said. "It's alright." He relaxed against their pillows. It was...so easy to get in this place, where he was red, and warm, and all of him seemed to ache- but he had years of practice at ignoring it, and did so now, taking Lawrence's hands again.
"Is it...something you're afraid to talk with me about?"
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:30 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:31 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:31 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:32 pm
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:32 pm
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"You already know how I'd want it to be if everything was different." he said with a bit of irritation, not at Rodney but at his own desires and wants which didn't fit what the other man deserved. "If things were different I'd still have both of you, it would be how it was but with me being able to show you affection how I always longed to. I love you, I do love you, you are an amazing person and everything I aspire to have."
He sighed. "I just know that something is going to go wrong. I'd rather it didn't but it will, and then you will leave. Every day I try to sever a little more in anticipation of that, of knowing that your standards are so high that someone like me could never meet them. I've ruined you, I tried not to do it, I tried to keep you away from me and the things I do because you are beautiful and fragile and perfect and yet I crumbled when I got the chance, when I should have shown resolve."
He looked away, pained.
"One day I'll break your heart, and I won't even notice I've done it till you are gone."
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Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:48 pm
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