[PRP] Undertow (Lex/Ami)

[Carhop Cavalier]

Night had faded into dawn, purples and blues giving way to the beginning rays of yellow peaking up over the horizon, when Lex finally entered Ami's cottage. He knew she'd be there, in her armchair, waiting as she was wont to do lately.

And he would pick her up in his arms, if she did not resist, and kiss her slowly, thoughtfully remorse on the mouth, drinking in the taste of her lips for what would more than likely be the last time.

Lex would look down at her with guilty eyes and a furrowed brow, lip trembling as he spoke. "I'm sorry."

chiickadee

 

[chiickadee]

Seeing as she had no reason to suspect him, she gratefully took in his kiss. If he kissed her nothing was wrong. Yet he felt distant somehow, and his kiss was hollow; the words that followed shortly after were empty.

"It's improper to apologize before declaring your crime," she said warmly, running a hand down his cheek before her thumb settled on his gaunt cheekbone. "However in regards to your staying out late, there's no need for apology."

Still the hourglass was draining.

She detached, thinking nothing (or trying to think nothing) of one night out. She and Lex had certainly pulled more than a few all nighters, and sometimes she didn't notify him when it was going to happen, so it seemed fair that he should be able to do the same without suspicion. If only that were the case.

Her hand pulled him towards the kitchen, for breakfast, whatever that might be. "Were you in the library, or were you working with your toys?"

carhop cavalier

 

[Carhop Cavalier]

Lex couldn't take it, trembling under Ami's touch and giving her a somber smile as she led him to her kitchen, trailing like a kicked dog. Except this dog had kicked itself, and was going to be made to leave its master's side.

"Neither." Lex whispered, snaking an arm around Ami's waist, pulling her down into a chair with him. He was being a little too affectionate, more selfish than he should allow himself to be.

Lex didn't even deserve to be in the same room as her.

"I need you to promise me something, Amalie."

chiickadee

 

[chiickadee]

"I promise nothing without terms," she said sharply.  

[Carhop Cavalier]

Of course, she was too quick for that. Lex buried his face in the crook of her neck, staying silent for a while.

<< Do not be a coward. >>

< So you're talking to me again? >

<< Only for her sake. >>

Lex's grip on Ami's waist loosened, fingers leaving a ghost of a trail on her top. "The terms are that I have done something horrific." Was all he gave at the moment, prolonging this, refusing to swallow. "Something that will take -- that may never be atoned for."

chiickadee

 

[chiickadee]

Ami neither shirked nor indulged in his touches. Not rejecting, but not welcoming either. Neutrality always.

"Vagueness is the enemy of purpose Lex," she said warmly. "I'm sure we can talk to H and arrange something." Ami had long since stopped believing that any act of morality be it murder or results couldn't be affixed on this island somehow. She wasn't thinking of personal affairs; personal affairs were always the utmost bottom of her list.  

[Carhop Cavalier]

"The Doctor can't help me with this, Ams." Lex muttered darkly, using her pet name with a hint of sorrow and longing. He had to stop playing this out, but... it was pathetic. He wanted to be with Ami one final time; to feel her and to know her.

Lex knew better, he knew what he deserved.

"All I need you to promise is that, when I'm gone, you won't throw yourself in a pod. Keep living, keep researching, - add more to the island, like you've always told me to. Do not let my absence hinder you."

chiickadee

 

[chiickadee]

He knew she hated that nickname.

"I don't understand," she said stubbornly, staring at him with murky eyes. His repetition of her speech pattern felt more mocking than affectionate when combined with his ominous message. "Where are you going? Unless you mean death, and in that case my question is why ..."

She stood off her lap and put her hands on her cheeks, trying to stay her temples. Too many thoughts too quickly. "You are not making sense."  

[Carhop Cavalier]

Lex's eyes were an overcast sky on the verge of a downpour when he looked at Ami, taking in the confusion and angst that was riddling her face. She was suffering, again, because of his selfishness.

End it.

"I should be dead." Lex uttered, standing to leave the kitchen. He would need to pack his things, but not before he confessed. "God, I wish I were dead, Amalie." He refrained from touching her, screwing up his lips and wringing his wrought hands behind her back.

"I-- Maebe and I nearly -- I sought love from another."

Tears did not come, but Lex was shaking as if racked by sobs. The crushing weight of guilt closing in on him like the trap walls in an old Indiana Jones flick as he waited for Ami to respond, if she would respond at all.

Her eyes alone could crush his bones.  

[chiickadee]

"I don't understand," she repeated, more quietly this time. He was moving away from her, shapes becoming stranger. "Love ... In what way?"

She knows.

Ami always knows.  

[Carhop Cavalier]

"Physical." Lex whispered, still facing away from her. He couldn't look Ami in the eye, lest the room crush him and end any semblance of coherence. This had to be done. "As well as ... emotional."

Lex wasn't going to give her a 'it's not you, it's me' speech, full of bullshit and cowardice. Lex had to be blunt, straightforward. It was the only possible way that this could end with both their heads still above water. "I'm sorry, Ami. I needed more than just impassive guidance." HIs fists and jaws clenched, anger at himself building like the bile in his throat. "But I knew what I-- what we were getting in to. There's no excuses."

His head hung, but he did not turn to face her. "I don't expect your forgiveness."  

[chiickadee]

Ami took a step backward, hand reaching to grip the table behind her. She needed something to steady her. Something to keep the ground from reaching the ceiling.

She put a shaking hand up to her lips. He had dared touch them- he-

Words couldn't come. She just shook her head a millimeter at a time.

Perhaps Lex would be satisfied to see tears forming in her eyes. Perhaps he would be pacified by the emotion that she had worked so hard to keep down finally arising to her eyes, to color her cheeks, to make her body tremble with fear of what he was confirming. She had spent so many hours in that chair reasoning with herself (the ultimate logical opponent), convincing herself that he was not the person his actions were leading him to be. His crescendo into sin only hurt more when it was affirmed.

"No ... look at me," she finally uttered, "Look at the way you've broken my heart-" She wants to say more, because she is angry (and rightfully so), but her throat chokes her into half of a sob.  

[Carhop Cavalier]

"You know I can't." The words burned in his throat, knuckles white as the storm finally hit, rain pouring from Lex's eyes. If he turned to look now, everything would be over: his life, his sense of self.

He was being selfish, and it only made him more malicious for the reflection in the windowsill.

He turned a quarter, teary eyes meeting Ami's, and the glass shattered.

A sick and shriveled part of him had wanted this; Lex wanted to see her cry; to smile, laugh, anything other than that impassively annoyed, frustrated at the idiocy of the world look on her face.

Now he never wanted to see it again. "Amalie-" He choked, unable to say anything more.  

[chiickadee]

She summoned Junpei to her side, but he didn't quite fully form. His form was wavy at best, small particles dissipating moments after forming. Weapons reflected their hunters.

"Leave." She forced her hand down. She kept crying, She hoped the whore was worth it. She hoped she would be alone with Maebe on a mission someday, so she could off the woman herself in peace. Any amount of revenge would have been fine. Something she could do besides hurt Lex.

"I make no promises to you any longer." And it hurt. Lex had been her second chance, always. She hadn't married him but that didn't mean she wasn't every bit as dedicated as he was. Lex had shown her that broken things could be put back together. Now he had shown her they could always be broken again.

In a way, she was devastated merely because he had proven she was right. That the world was a terrible place of logical impulses and nothing more. There is no trust, no relationship worth her efforts. She will never be adequate for the affections of another, she is too broken, too broken. Ami is always right.

She just wishes for once she hadn't been right about this.  

[Carhop Cavalier]

Lex honestly had not expected to see Junpei, and the fragmented version of the glaive just broke his heart more. He wouldn't bring Regal out, he couldn't even if he wanted to. The gryphon was done with Lex, not talking to him or even acknowledging the Lifer.

"Ami, please." Lex begged, suddenly wanting to backpedal, to erase everything he'd done. Normality was a craving he couldn't ebb. "I'm sorry, Ami. I-- I wasn't thinking. I was drunk. Ami, please."

If he wasn't wary of beheading, Lex would be on his knees. "Ami, I love you. I love you and I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry."

Even if he meant everything he'd done, every ill thought he'd had about the broken woman. But broken things could be put back together, fitted with gold to show that yes, they were once broken, but those flaws made them beautiful.

And she was the most beautiful thing on this goddamned earth. "Please, dear. I'm so sorry."