Jess's Journal *Please read and comment*

[johnlennonandcupcakes]

I like the idea of having a journal on here where I can hopefully get some positive feedback and reinforcement. Please do comment.

I have been some trouble getting my life back in order. I had a year-long relationship end very badly, with me in a psych ward at a hospital. I worked on a popular TV show for the two following months, but I have basically been doing nothing and collecting unemployment for the last four months.

This is not what I want to be doing with my life. I want a job. I want to move back out of my parents' house. I don't want that job to be in retail like so many past jobs. I don't want the next six months to go by in misery.

I have a conference I am going to this week that I will hopefully get some job leads out of, but I can't seem to get myself to sit down and work on my resume. It's not a particularly daunting task, and certainly not very difficult. Something about the idea of doing it is holding me back. I can't figure out what the trouble is.

Nonetheless, I'm hoping the next few weeks bring me some developments.  

[Spenelli]

LiamPadraicAiken

It sounds like you are having anxiety about a new job, sometimes you aren't even aware that you are anxious. It might just be because so much has changed you don't want it to change again. Maybe you still need a break. If you are with your parents they will probably get that.

I know what's like to loose someone you were with a long time. I can tell you, you don't usually get over it completely. It just gets better with time. Then you realize you hardly ever think about that person anymore.  

[johnlennonandcupcakes]

Spenelli

LiamPadraicAiken

It sounds like you are having anxiety about a new job, sometimes you aren't even aware that you are anxious. It might just be because so much has changed you don't want it to change again. Maybe you still need a break. If you are with your parents they will probably get that.

Yeah I'm definitely anxious. I'm not sure if it is about starting a new job, picking the wrong job, or just having to work in general. Either way, it's getting in my way.

Spenelli

I know what's like to loose someone you were with a long time. I can tell you, you don't usually get over it completely. It just gets better with time. Then you realize you hardly ever think about that person anymore.

This isn't my first breakup, and definitely not my longest relationship. He was particularly awful, though, and his behavior is making it difficult to trust anyone new.
In some ways, that is a good thing. I am picky about the sorts of people I want to be around and the way I let people treat me. I'm learning to be independent, and to not rely on others in a way that requires me to maintain negative relationships. If someone treats me badly, I try to talk to them about it. If that doesn't work (ie, a fight ensues) I will cut off ties. I can't put my energy into that nonsense.  

[johnlennonandcupcakes]

The Halloween event distracted me, so I have not updated.

I still haven't gotten a job, but there have been some improvements. I got a couple of leads that didn't quite lead anywhere. That's okay because I did at least get over my fear of emailing people.

I have a good feeling about this upcoming week. I finally feel like I'm ready to focus, jump in, and really do a job search.

As I see it, I have about a week of being picky and only applying to "dream jobs," before I just start applying to everything. I want to be picky, but I'm not too concerned right now. I really just want to make it through the winter and start looking seriously in the Spring. I really need to make sure that I find a job that makes me enough money to pay my bills. I've waited too long, and it's hard not to focus on that fact and let it crush me.

I'm going to meet with my psychiatrist soon to see about getting back on the antidepressants I was taking before. I thought they were causing anxiety, but it's become clear that I have that anxiety anyway. The dose I started with before was perfect, it got me up and going and kept me focused. Unfortunately, the dose that I switched to when my doctor thought it was making me impulsive (due to an event that I'm pretty sure occurred for a lot of other reasons), didn't work at all. She really wanted to take me off of it, though, so I don't know what she'll say. I just know that I felt like a person, and that was nice.  

[Cinderful]

Hey, I don't know if we've met.

*hand shake*
3nodding It's nice to meet you.

gonk It's tough being anxious
and being at home with parents
can make it 100 times worse.

neutral Have you considered
going back to school?  

[Spenelli]

LiamPadraicAiken

You are right to look at it that way. I have only been in two healthy relationships in my life. They happened after I finally went out on my own. I finally learned to be happy alone. When you are happy alone it's much easier to be happy with someone else.. and know you don't need them, you just want them. Depending on someone for everything is hard when they let you down. It's good you have decided to cut off ties with those who treat you badly. They are not worth your time, you are very right about that. For every jerk out there there is a nice person waiting to be your friend/lover. wink I like to think of it that way.

You are going about the job hunt in a great way. I did the same thing. I ended up getting the job I wanted after I gave up and applied for everything. xD It sure wasn't what I thought it would be, but it could be sooo much worse. When I have a bad day I try and think about other jobs I've had which were worse. It sooo helps. On my last day cleaning at one of my last job I took pics of how nasty the bathroom was to remind myself why I was leaving. I looked at those today ironically. So glad I'm not there anymore. I hope you find a job that is good for you!  

[johnlennonandcupcakes]

Cinderful

Hey, I don't know if we've met.

*hand shake*
3nodding It's nice to meet you.

gonk It's tough being anxious
and being at home with parents
can make it 100 times worse.

neutral Have you considered
going back to school?

Hello.
My parents don't add anxiety to my life at all. I'm allowed to do whatever I want, they give me free room and board, and they take care of me if I need them.
I'm going to make the assumption that you think I haven't already gotten a bachelor's degree? Because I have. I went to Film School. I have grown to hate the studio system, which happened to a friend of mine as well. We are both considering getting training to be social workers. I think we both thought that filmmaking would do some good in the world.
Either way, I have a lot of debt that needs to be paid for, so any "back to school" option would have to be night courses, which I would gladly do. First, I still need a job.
These are the things that make everything stressful and full of anxiety. Perhaps I should make a plan for going back to school. Then, I would not be unhappy about taking a job that's not a "dream job." So thank you for bringing me to that conclusion 3nodding

Sorry if any of this sounds argumentative. It just seems like people assume things instead of asking questions, and it's more frustrating than helpful.  

[johnlennonandcupcakes]

I'm going to call this my entry since I have put a lot in the vein of updates in here:

Spenelli

You are right to look at it that way. I have only been in two healthy relationships in my life. They happened after I finally went out on my own. I finally learned to be happy alone. When you are happy alone it's much easier to be happy with someone else.. and know you don't need them, you just want them. Depending on someone for everything is hard when they let you down. It's good you have decided to cut off ties with those who treat you badly. They are not worth your time, you are very right about that. For every jerk out there there is a nice person waiting to be your friend/lover. wink I like to think of it that way.

Very true!! I feel like this relationship that I've just ended was one of my healthiest. It's still on that list because I refused to allow it to become unhealthy. Maybe someday we'll talk about it and it will work again, but as of right now, we are both in shitty places. I understand his distance and him being busy because he is also unemployed, but he has rent to worry about, which is different than debt. You can't get away with missing rent payment for a month or two.

Spenelli

You are going about the job hunt in a great way. I did the same thing. I ended up getting the job I wanted after I gave up and applied for everything. xD It sure wasn't what I thought it would be, but it could be sooo much worse. When I have a bad day I try and think about other jobs I've had which were worse. It sooo helps. On my last day cleaning at one of my last job I took pics of how nasty the bathroom was to remind myself why I was leaving. I looked at those today ironically. So glad I'm not there anymore. I hope you find a job that is good for you!

Hopefully tomorrow is as good a day as I had planned. I'm actually going to start by cleaning my room, which is a disaster thanks to Halloween. There's makeup and clothes all over my bed. To top it off, I went to the hospital today because I thought a kidney infection I had last week had come back. It turns out that the infection cleared up, and I likely just have some lower back pain in general. I'm pretty sure at this point that this lower back pain may have been the cause of the "kidney" I thought I had. But I will take the muscle relaxers they gave me and try to add some helpful stretches into my yoga routine. If it doesn't start to feel better, though, I will be concerned.

But yeah, I will start my work search hardcore tomorrow. And now I will probably also look at the availability of night courses so I can start to make a real change in my life. I want to work in Film, but I'd rather do something worth while, that I'm not killing myself over for someone else's financial benefit. It's silly, I'm not sure why anyone does it. I don't want fame or fortune, I want to change people's minds. I know HOW to make films, I just need time and resources to do it myself. I'm sick of the only jobs either not paying a living wage, or being for jerks, and in both scenarios, being for absurdly long hours and standing for almost all of it.  

[Spenelli]

LiamPadraicAiken

I wish you luck tomorrow! And I hope you do get to make a change for yourself. School is one of those things I really should be doing. I guess I just don't have the motivation. But that will keep me making minimum wage until I die. xD Maybe someday I will make a change too. You should go for what you enjoy.