Brief questions

[The Serene Artist]

Well, my man and I have been together several years. We have some issues in the bedroom.

One thing, is that he can never stay hard even after heavy foreplay because he is afraid of me being in physical pain. Even blindfolding him so he wouldn't see me in pain doesn't work. And usually even then I do a good job at hiding it, but after a couple pushes he goes limp. He has no insurance to go to the doctor to get enhancement meds and won't go either.

Two, he is a big guy and I'm like virgin tiny down there though I'm not a virgin. I dislike self masturbation and it even turns me off when i try. Nothing turns me on when I do it either. And, I don't like porn either. Not even good music helps.

Three, I have no clue how to engage really in sex life. Because I'm more uncomfortable it just doesn't feel right. I'm perfectly straight and deeply in love with my guy, but its just sex life is pretty much nonexistent than occasional foreplay. I hear sex is important in healthy relationships and everything goes well outside the bedroom, so I'd like to fix this.

He finds me attractive wearing nothing, so lingerie is out of the question. I've tried setting the bedroom mood with music, candles, petals, but its more awkward than lovely. Sex toys and roleplay are more of turn offs as well. We've tried different places like the car, outside in the dark, and even in the living room floor and couch, but it doesn't work. We've tried looking up kinks, watching porn, and that doesn't work either.

Any suggestions to help with our sex life? And to feel more comfortable with the idea of sex?

I have even noticed that I've been slowly getting more irritable and something seems off about our relationship without sex. We are each others firsts for everything other than first kiss. He doesn't talk to any girls or work with them and he is highly loyal so I know that part is fine. Its just our sex life. Also, he doesn't ever self masturbate either.  

[xChibi Cannibalx]

It doesnt really sound like the problem is his, but yours. Have you ever gone to a doctor to find out why sex things hurt you so much? Sex should never hurt  

[LorienLlewellyn]

The Serene Artist

Two, he is a big guy and I'm like virgin tiny down there though I'm not a virgin.

There is no such thing as "virgin tiny." Your v****a does not permanently change size after you have sex for the first time. That is a myth.

The v****a is like elastic. If you're relaxed, in the mood, and well lubricated it can stretch quite a bit. And after that, it will snap back into place.

The reason so many people believe the "virgins have tiny vaginas" myth is that a lot of girls are nervous their first time. That means that they're tense, they're not fully aroused, and they're not well lubricated. That means their v****a isn't stretching like it should, which makes them feel tight. But that same exact girl could have just as easily felt loose if she had been relaxed, well lubricated, and in the mood. Depending on how relaxed, well lubricated, and in the mood she is, a girl can feel loose one time she has sex, tight the next, and loose the next regardless of how many times she's had sex before that.

So your v****a is the same size now that it was before you had sex.

The Serene Artist

One thing, is that he can never stay hard even after heavy foreplay because he is afraid of me being in physical pain. Even blindfolding him so he wouldn't see me in pain doesn't work. And usually even then I do a good job at hiding it, but after a couple pushes he goes limp. He has no insurance to go to the doctor to get enhancement meds and won't go either.

If he's losing his erection because he doesn't like seeing you in pain, then he doesn't need medication. That's not what that medication is for, and that would be ignoring the bigger and actual problem, which is your pain.

The Serene Artist

I dislike self masturbation and it even turns me off when i try.

Most people like masturbation. But not everyone does. And that's ok. I do recommend trying it at least a few times before giving up on it though because it can teach you a lot about your body and about what you like.

The Serene Artist

I hear sex is important in healthy relationships

Some people think sex is really important. Some think it's just kind of important. Some think it's totally unimportant. That's true of people in healthy relationships, and it's true of people in unhealthy relationships. We all have different sex drives, different interests, and different priorities. So we're not all going to view the important (or unimportance) of sex the same way, and that's ok. So don't feel like you have to spice things up just because sex is important to some people.

The Serene Artist

He finds me attractive wearing nothing, so lingerie is out of the question. I've tried setting the bedroom mood with music, candles, petals, but its more awkward than lovely. Sex toys and roleplay are more of turn offs as well. We've tried different places like the car, outside in the dark, and even in the living room floor and couch, but it doesn't work. We've tried looking up kinks, watching porn, and that doesn't work either.

Any suggestions to help with our sex life? And to feel more comfortable with the idea of sex?.

It sounds like the main issue is your pain and discomfort. Chibi is right. If you are relaxed, well lubricated, and in the mood, then sex should not hurt. That's true even your very first time (it's a myth that the first time has to be painful and/or bloody). Pain is your body's way of saying, "Stop, you're doing something wrong!"

If you have trouble getting relaxed, well lubricated, and in the mood, then that is what you should work on.

Dryness is the most common cause of pain, and it's the easiest problem to fix. Grab a bottle of water-based lubricant at the store or online. That alone fixes the problem for most people.

If your problem is that you don't get in the mood easily or that you don't relax (my guess would be that you have a problem with tensing up since you have come to expect pain during sex), that can be a little harder to fix and the solution may vary from person to person. It may mean taking a relaxing bath, getting a massage, reading a steamy book, meditation, aromatherapy, etc.

And having an orgasm right before sex helps a lot too because it relaxes and lubricates the v****a quite a bit.

Experiment. Find out what works for you. Communicate with your partner. Tell him if something hurts. Tell him if he needs to go slower or be more gentle. Don't be afraid to guide him and tell him what feels good.

If you are confident that you are relaxed, well lubricated, and in the mood yet are still feeling pain, then you need to talk to a doctor about it since infections and other issues down there can cause pain during sex.

If he's losing his erections because he doesn't like seeing you in pain, then once you resolve your pain issue, his problem should take care of itself.

This article seems to be down at the moment. But when it comes back up, I highly recommend reading it: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/from_ow_to_wow_demystifying_painful_intercourse