 |
Wow. All we can say is wow. We just finished watching the movies Clash of the Titans, Disney's Hercules and Troy, playing the video game God of War and reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, among other things. Pop culture and Mythology: not a healthy mix.
What is wrong with these people? Why do they insist on misrepresenting us so? It's insulting! We are not mere fantastical fodder for your little fictional franchises! We're people too! If you p***k us, do we not bleed? Errr...bleed ikhor, that is. Well, we're not going to take it sitting down on our gilded thrones! We're going to set the record straight, one at a time, and you're going to sit there and take it.
Zeus: Am I supposed to be Jesus or something? Now listen here. I am not, not have I ever claimed to be, perfect. You people who barely know me seem to think I'm the god of fluffy cloud heaven who can do no wrong. In Disney's Hercules, I'm so loveable that they had to completely truncate my long list of love-affairs, just to make the story of Herakles's birth squeaky clean. I'm not the all-loving God of the Christians, you know! Times were different when I was popular!
On the other hand, when you people get to know me better, you accuse me of being some massive jerk! As if there's no middle ground! Well, excuuuuse me! I'm the king of the universe, I'm not freaking Buddha! I get mad, I get frisky, I'm the God of Thunder, for heaven's sake! But you whiny mortals should also remember that I created you all (with a little help from Prometheus), and I gave you civilization. I created the seasons and the measurements of time! I created justice and law, and I enforced the rule of good hospitality! And all those mortal women I went after? Believe me, they weren't complaining! And all those illegitimate children I sired on them? Well, they grew up to slay all the monsters and make the world safe for man, didn't they? All part of my plan, you ingrates! I'm not supposed to be squeaky clean, I'm supposed to be a GOOD KING! And I think I've done a pretty good job, all in all.
But nooo, all these smear campaigns designed to make me look like an absolute tyrant. In God of War, they've reduced me to some kind of petulant and paranoid psychopath! In Clash of the Titans I'm some kind of bleeding-heart simp! People, just accept me for who I am. I'm the boy who rose up against all odds, with the entire world against me, and my own father out to eat me, and I ended up conquering everything. I EARNED my place at the top, thank you very much, and I brought order and security to the world. What's a little smiting and sleeping around compared to that? A little respect would be appreciated.
Hades: Do I look like the Devil to you? You, misapprehending mainstreamers. Stop hating me, I'm not Satan. You, bleeding-heart fans. Stop loving me, I'm not THAT misunderstood. Maybe I should clarify. In both Clash of the Titans and Disney's Hercules, there's this bizarre tendency to write me off as some kind of jealous younger brother, a resentful second fiddle to Zeus. Clash of the Titans even went so far as to claim that I was TRICKED into becoming the king of the underworld. In Disney's Hercules, they seem to think I'll stop at nothing to overthrow my brother. Oh, the unfairness of it all, oh, the drama, oh the humanity! Erm, divinity. Hah. Utter tosh.
First of all, I'm the oldest brother. Second of all, Zeus, Poseidon and I drew lots to determine who would rule which part of the cosmos. How do you cheat at lots? Anyway, we weren't leaving it up to chance, we were leaving it up to the Fates. These were important decisions, and we knew the Fates would select the most appropriate roles. I LIKE being the Ruler of the Dead. I never leave the underworld, I CHOOSE to be here. It may be gloomy, but I am the wealthiest of all the gods, and I have by far the most subjects. I'm absolutely loyal to Zeus. In fact, it was Poseidon who once tried to overthrow him, not me. I'm a dependable guy.
Also, why do people (and by people, I mean Hollywood) continue to paint me as some kind of manichean Satanic figure, opposed to Zeus? Greek Mythology is not dualistic, and viewers are not morons! You don't need to continually degrade our natures by polarizing us into Good and Evil. The Underworld is not a fiery hell-pit, it's not a prison made of blood and bones, and it's not some miasmically lit underground wasteland! We have TREES here, and RIVERS! We have Elysion, that's a freaking paradise! Even the Asphodel fields aren't all that bad, as far as meadows go. My throne is golden, my palace is spectacular, and it's surrounded by an orchard of Pomegranate trees! Only Tartaros fits the 'hellish' descriptor, and that's BENEATH Erebos, the part of the Underworld I live in. It's just a little gloomy, it's not bloody Dante's Inferno. I am not Lucifer, I am Hades. Got that?
But, I AM the God of the Dead. Thanatos, my vizier, he's Death himself, that's another mistake people tend to make - but I'm still pretty scary. I should be scary, I'm the ultimate impartial judge. Fair, but strict and to the letter. There's a reason the Greeks never built temples to me, and banged their heads on the dirt when they prayed to me. I'm not evil, but I'm not some poor misunderstood guy, who's really quite nice once you get to know me. I'm not squeaky clean either, I kidnapped my niece to be my wife, and I cheated on her once. She cheated on me once too, so there you go. I'm little different from my brothers, we aren't supposed to be role-models or paragons of virtue anyway. Poor, misunderstood Hades? Blech! I demand respect and fear, not demonization OR sympathy. Give me my due.
Poseidon: A tail? What? The? Fish!? Why am I always the merman? I wasn't BORN the king of the sea, you know. Of course I have legs, do you know how ineffective a tail would have been when I had to fight in the Titanomakhia? My son Triton, he's the one with the fish tail. You'd think it would be easy to tell us apart, but apparently not.
Demeter: Well, it's not so bad for me. I tend to be cast as Mother Nature, which isn't quite true, but it's close enough. One big mistake people tend to make is that I caused winter with my neglect when Hades absconded with my daughter Persephone. Actually, I caused summer. In Greece, there is no winter, and the hot season is the dead season, because it's REALLY HOT.
Hera: Who am I, granny goddess? I can't believe how old they portray me as in movies and cartoons and games! I understand the need to highlight my mature and matriarchal position, but I was the youngest daughter of Kronos! Zeus was the youngest son as well, there's no reason he should have silver hair any more than I should. We're DEITIES, that means eternal youth, idiots! Aphrodite's even older than I am anyway, but nobody gives her wrinkles! I'm a contender for most beautiful of goddesses, the incident with the Golden Apple and the Trojan War should have taught you that! I resent the way they made me look in God of War, and I resent how much of a pushover they always make me! I'm powerful in my own right. In the Trojan War, I boxed that little scamp Artemis around the ears with her own bow, and sent her running off to daddy!
Hestia: What am I, chopped liver? I deserve some screen-time, at least! I was the most popular household goddess in Greece, the first and last domestic prayers always went to me! I'm the oldest daughter of Kronos, and I may be humble enough to let Dionysos sit in my place on Olympos, but that doesn't mean I don't want a little attention. Most of the plot of God of War III centered around the flames of Olympus, and it's my job in mythology to take care of Olympos' hearth, so you'd think I'd get a passing mention at least. A footnote? A reference in the game manual? Nope. Nothing. Zilch. I might as well be Zeppo Marx.
Hermes: Who am I, Liberace? If it's not Disney's Hercules or God of War, it's Clash of the Titans or even CLASS of the Titans. People seem to think that just because I'm a swift messenger and I have wings on my feet, that I must be some kind of flighty, fluttery fop. They make me out to be some kind of Elton John caricature. Let me tell you, I was the god of athletics! I've slain monsters and wrestled with giants and rescued gods in my time, I am NO dandy! I'm tough as they come, so give me back my masculinity!
Apollon: Yes, it's Apollon, not Apollo. That's the Latin form of my name, don'tcha know. The biggest mistake people seem to make about me is thinking I'm the god of the sun. Now I'm the god of a lot of things: light, truth, prophecy, medicine, disease, archery, youth, music, poetry and the arts...but I'm no Sun god. Helios, son of Hyperion, he's the guy with the golden sun chariot. My chariot is silver, and so is my bow. Argurotoxos, God of the Silver Bow, that's me. Even the painters of the Renaissance confused me for Helios, which isn't surprising given that the Hellenes themselves were famous for changing their minds. Quite late in the Hellenistic period, I was given some solar attributes, but even then I was a god of daylight and radiance, not explicitly the sun god. The more ya know.
Artemis:
|
 |
Reply
