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 Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 12:36 pm
Post one - the problem
Honestly, I am not too bent out of shape about it. Although, what would you do if someone told you forever they wanted to be with you. You had a really close bond with the person, and than all of the sudden they're with someone else but convinces you to be friends with them thinking that for some stupid, idiotic reason they would dump whoever their with when the time was right? She told me she loved me, always sang song lyrics and it confused me.. so I would send her numerous things saying hey... you have a boyfriend, this just won't work out between us. This wasn't an instant thought, it was something built up over time and boyfriend after boyfriend when I stuck around. She would wonder why I was sending that mail, thinking we have this bond, which I know we do.... but she thought of it in a special way and would always tell me she loved me. She would cry over those mails I sent, saying she didn't want to lose me.... Although, the relationship would've been long distance so I understood if she wouldn't want to risk anything.... still, it's kinda deep when you spend so much time with someone for so long.
Our friendship gets tighter as the years go on, it's been five I think. I don't and would never want to lose this person as a friend, not ever... but, unexpectedly the guy she was with had dumped her and annihilated her heart, which I kind of saw coming because a lot of the time, no offense to him, no offense to anyone, but guys are dumb. I even met the dude and talked to him, and that's when I thought to myself he's not such a bad guy, I accept him as her boyfriend.
Soon it was to be their anniversary. They had been together for quite a long while.
So after all of that BS happens and this dude just walks away, I know him well enough to know he was a decent person, and I get a call from her after not talking to her for a week. She spills all of this to me and tells me she doesn't wanna be his friend anymore and told him she refused to talk to him ever again, even after he offered to still be friends. When she declined he got upset about it. It hurt me, for the first time in a reaaalll long time, because I am the one who endured all of this stuff with her. I am the one who would send the mail with a confused heart, saying hey... you know, I gotta back down this just isn't going to work out.
But she kept me there, and I kept saying you're going to really fall for him, no one is that heartless but she didn't understand what I meant. It happened, she was heartbroken, and I didn't want to comfort her. I didn't want to see her, because if I was in her position I would've stayed friends with the person, just like I did to her. So for a few years of my life I've been blinded while she's been going from person to person without any real feelings for me, telling me all of this stuff.
For some reason, it really doesn't hurt all that much, and it should kill me... but it boggles my mind and amazes me that someone could honestly do that. Like have someone to fallback on, and keep them there. How lame can you seriously be? We are always going to be truthful to each other. We're always going to have a tight bond. Although this just feels like it's too much. I get confused on if people really have a heart nowadays. I stood my ground and did everything for her without a second thought. She said she loved me for it, and I understand if I am just a friend it woulda been fine but... man xD what do you do when someone tells you otherwise? All you can do is trust.
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Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:41 pm
Post two - Actions
I'd also like to include not to be misunderstood, that the feelings were developed. I don't do the whole "love at first sight" and I don't believe in it. It was over a course, so she probably picked a time when I was put into what she called the "friends zone" while we were talking about it, saying she didn't want to be put into his "friend zone"
Question is, don't friendships lead to great relationships? Knowing someone's going to be there for you is a great thing. It turns into something of that sort. When you spend time with someone that's what you really want to figure out.
I know I am thinking too much on it, but I haven't had any real motivation to do anything else. I haven't heard from her since the whole thing and needless to say I am worried as any friend should be. It's not like I went off on her. After it was talked about and I told her to take it easy and take her time she had said she didn't want to. She said she wanted to be happy right now, that there were too many things that were stressing her. I let it go, said i'd do what it takes, and it's no time to tell her my feelings on it because that would most likely only worsen hers.
I decided I am going to use this thread to analyze, so I'm going to be posting here from time to time. I need to get things out of my system. It's not as bad as it used to be, really. I am not super sad about it, but I would like to take the time to analyze my own thoughts as well. I think it will be interesting.
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Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:54 pm
Post three - The Fear Stage
My actions are to stay back, and not do anything in fear I will set her off. What can I do? I am equally upset that she tossed me aside, and I put my faith into the whooole thing, however, I am not going to look at it from that point because she's hurting.
She's in a fearful stage, the one that you always get that tells you "I won't ever find someone like him ever again" or "I want to do something stupid" but I have confidence she won't because she's much smarter than that. Everyone goes through the stage, and I guess it's all really just a matter of chance and the people you encounter that help you mend. She knows I'll be here, end of story.
I worry, but in my opinion, and with me as my own test subject I have determined that it's not really any of my business period. I gotta let it take its own course. I am really enjoying this a little too much. I do kinda feel like I am finding more out about myself though.
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Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Post Four - Early Conclusion
I've learned enough... I've learned that my mind works in strange patterns that seem to accumulate over time in different ways. I have also learned that I am pretty noble, because people would have stopped long before I had. Repetition is healthy for the mind, yet so is variety.
I thought I was a heartless person sometimes... but I kind of realize that when I need to be there for someone I care about, I will be regardless. That's just who I am as a person. The majority of people would have moved on, I didn't.
The Important thing about this:
I tried to show her I cared about her and I still do, and what I have done I am more than proud of. Five years won't go to waist, not ever. I will check up on her once daily via text, if need be, call to ensure she doesn't need to talk about it just in case, and leave her be if she desires.
I also figured out that sometimes I get angry at stupid things, but I think that's a thing that's in human nature as well. The fact is, I controlled it and I am happy with myself for doing so.
Analysis complete: anyone can change if they desire. It's the strength of your desire, and the strength of your will (turns into a cheese-fest)
I stand by my words, it's true.
Thanks Gaia
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Posted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:21 am
Oh Brase.. you're a much better person then I. It kills me to see her treat you this way. You are such an amazing man, and I've known you long enough to know you deserve a girl that will love you back as much as you love her. I'll always be here for ya in you need someone to talk to. Via text or IM, I'll always be around in one way or another cuz, I care about you as such a good friend and <33 you like a bestie! =]
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