If you really knew me

[HazyKoala]

MemorysGalleySlave

Grace the Spiffy One

I love that show.
Well, here goes nothing. It's not as bad as most things people have been through.
If you really knew me, you know I've been struggling with my self-image since 6th grade. I was told I was obese and needed to lose weight in 6th grade. I lost all the weight I needed to, but I still felt the urge to be even thinner. I starved myself, and my mom caught me; I stopped for a year.
Then, in eighth grade, I stepped on a scale again. My doctors told me I was a healthy weight, but I didn't listen to them. I starved myself again.
If you really, really knew me, you know that seventh grade brought the criticism of boys into the light, and made my views on my face, hair, and clothes become increasingly negative. It reached its peak in the middle of eighth grade when I was dumped by a younger guy and scared off another guy. I blamed it on myself, and nearly committed suicide until I realized what I was doing.
Now you'd know that my self-image is improving. For the first time since fourth grade, I've looked in the mirror and said, "Wow, I AM beautiful!" My boyfriend respects and loves who I am inside and out, and it's made my life so much better.
That's my story. It's not that tragic, but it's what's happened in my life and kept inside me since sixth grade. I'm afraid to tell my friends or family because I know they'd worry and try to intervene. That's why I feel like a rotten person sometimes- for keeping a secret from my mom, a big one at that.

Oi! Shadow strider! It's not a crime to hide secrets from others. Hell, you have taken a step in a world I well know. Listen, you have a strength that either your friends or your mother or both may not understand. You can take filth and make beauty, serve clean water from a filthy cup. You take on the mask of the dark, begin to see what the dark reveals to you, and learn to protect others from it. Shadow strider, you have slowly taken one step into that world, which means you possess that type of strength.
Trust me, keeping secrets from others may seem negative from others, but that means you have a sleeping strength that can see such things others are afraid to glance at.
As for your appearance, to hell what others' say. If you truly want to understand how you view yourself, sit in the silence, clear your mind, and let your emotions speak to you, not your words. Find what you like and what you don't like, weigh both, and make your decision with a full heart. If it ends up bad or good, know that regardless, you will find content in a decision you made, and that, that is beauty others' are too blind to see.

Got something for you, a quote that makes me think of you. The pearl is always made from the ugly oyster.
People can't see the beauty you possess, because they can only see the shell. Remember, dispite the good or the bad harpies of speech attack you, only you will truly know who you are. May the Night Angels walk with you, may the shadows welcome you.

Thank you for the kind words smile I needed someone to tell me it was okay. Thanks so much for reading and responding.  

[MemorysGalleySlave]

Understand that just because someone is older doesn't mean they know better. Hell, my mentor has went on about a 5 year old girl and god damn, the way she acts and how she thinks, a mere common adult would say she's a day dreamer, but if you really looked at her, god damn was she intelligent and a whole lot more cleaver and smarter than her father.
Anyways, I know lies. I've lied to my friends, lied to my family, lied to just about everyone I can purely out of habit. Well, not out of habit till now. Lying was a way for me to survive my step father.
Listen, Lady_Conspiracy is right, age doesn't matter. You suffered. I'm 18 now, but hell, when I was your age, people knew me as the emo dark kid. But if you had asked my friends, they called me a damn sage, too much wisdom for my own good. And I was only one year older than you at that time.

Anyways, if you don't mind, I want to know what you went through. I can't assure you that I can say, "I know how you feel", that would be an insult to your past. If you went through any sexual abuse, I know I can say that at all. I don't know what it is to be damaged in that way, but I do know what it is to find a means to escape, even if it isn't 'healthy'.
So, if you don't mind, let me know who you are, let me know the person you see yourself in the mirror, I won't look away from anything you say.  

[Lady_Conspiracy]

MemorysGalleySlave

Understand that just because someone is older doesn't mean they know better. Hell, my mentor has went on about a 5 year old girl and god damn, the way she acts and how she thinks, a mere common adult would say she's a day dreamer, but if you really looked at her, god damn was she intelligent and a whole lot more cleaver and smarter than her father.
Anyways, I know lies. I've lied to my friends, lied to my family, lied to just about everyone I can purely out of habit. Well, not out of habit till now. Lying was a way for me to survive my step father.
Listen, Lady_Conspiracy is right, age doesn't matter. You suffered. I'm 18 now, but hell, when I was your age, people knew me as the emo dark kid. But if you had asked my friends, they called me a damn sage, too much wisdom for my own good. And I was only one year older than you at that time.

Anyways, if you don't mind, I want to know what you went through. I can't assure you that I can say, "I know how you feel", that would be an insult to your past. If you went through any sexual abuse, I know I can say that at all. I don't know what it is to be damaged in that way, but I do know what it is to find a means to escape, even if it isn't 'healthy'.
So, if you don't mind, let me know who you are, let me know the person you see yourself in the mirror, I won't look away from anything you say.

Yah..... Telling people these sexual experiences at a young age can be just as traumatic. Simply thinking about them can put many people in a panic attack. Asking people that is not something that is good for them. When a girl is ready to talk about it, it should be in a very private room with a very professional and well educated therapist who will know how to allow a person to relive the events in a non-traumatic way. And frankly I doubt you've had the training.

So a heads up. Asking someone something like that is one of the worst things you can do.  

[BugxNicole]

Lady_Conspiracy

MemorysGalleySlave

Understand that just because someone is older doesn't mean they know better. Hell, my mentor has went on about a 5 year old girl and god damn, the way she acts and how she thinks, a mere common adult would say she's a day dreamer, but if you really looked at her, god damn was she intelligent and a whole lot more cleaver and smarter than her father.
Anyways, I know lies. I've lied to my friends, lied to my family, lied to just about everyone I can purely out of habit. Well, not out of habit till now. Lying was a way for me to survive my step father.
Listen, Lady_Conspiracy is right, age doesn't matter. You suffered. I'm 18 now, but hell, when I was your age, people knew me as the emo dark kid. But if you had asked my friends, they called me a damn sage, too much wisdom for my own good. And I was only one year older than you at that time.

Anyways, if you don't mind, I want to know what you went through. I can't assure you that I can say, "I know how you feel", that would be an insult to your past. If you went through any sexual abuse, I know I can say that at all. I don't know what it is to be damaged in that way, but I do know what it is to find a means to escape, even if it isn't 'healthy'.
So, if you don't mind, let me know who you are, let me know the person you see yourself in the mirror, I won't look away from anything you say.

Yah..... Telling people these sexual experiences at a young age can be just as traumatic. Simply thinking about them can put many people in a panic attack. Asking people that is not something that is good for them. When a girl is ready to talk about it, it should be in a very private room with a very professional and well educated therapist who will know how to allow a person to relive the events in a non-traumatic way. And frankly I doubt you've had the training.

So a heads up. Asking someone something like that is one of the worst things you can do.

Oh that made me laugh, no I don't need a therapist and it's okay for him to ask, I don't mind. It's perfectly fine with me ask away, that's why I posted this to get to know people and for people to know me so it's okay!! In fact ask more questions that you may have I'd be glad to answer them!!  

[Lady_Conspiracy]

I'm a Psych student. Letting you know facts that I've research is apart of the annoying job description.  

[BugxNicole]

Lady_Conspiracy

I'm a Psych student. Letting you know facts that I've research is apart of the annoying job description.

Yeah, but still I'm pretty sure I don't need therapy, I'm fine now.  

[Lady_Conspiracy]

Please re-read my posts. I'm not saying anyone NEEDS therapy, I'm just saying what the average is.  

[BugxNicole]

Lady_Conspiracy

Please re-read my posts. I'm not saying anyone NEEDS therapy, I'm just saying what the average is.

Yeah you're right, but still I'm not the average so it's okay, I really don't mind! heart ASK AWAY!!! I'm feeling very happy right now so ask before I change my mind.  

[MemorysGalleySlave]

Oi! Don't think I don't think about what I say. I know that ideally, she should see a therapist about emotional trumas, I know what psychologists say, I'm studying to be one. Well, a union psychologist, so I get s**t from all the other psychologist, claiming what I study is psuedo-crap. Anyways, naturally, the idea behind having a professional talk because it gives a natural feeling of security. I believe it is utter bullshit to do it under the senses that a 'trained professional' is best. Haven't they've seen that people are open to those who they feel are friends or family, true friends or family.
Sure it's against the psychological rule book to allow the therapist to bleed out some of their emotions during the session, but it is better to do so if you can't hold back (myself) compared to someone who tries to hold back but isn't part of their nature. Also, by allowing the patient to know the therapist, it gives more of a bridge to connecting person to person, not patient to therapist. (It's this type of stuff I say that almost got me kicked out of psych 100)  

[Lady_Conspiracy]

I can see why. You might want to do more research into the field of abnormal psychology. There is some crap that friends can't handle. Believe me dealing with my friend's rape sent me back to therapy for a panic disorder. Not fun.  

[BugxNicole]

Lady_Conspiracy

I can see why. You might want to do more research into the field of abnormal psychology. There is some crap that friends can't handle. Believe me dealing with my friend's rape sent me back to therapy for a panic disorder. Not fun.

It's foes't sound fun... but yeah, so it's okay misuderstanding averted!!  

[Lady_Conspiracy]

Yah, I have a real passion for psych, so I love hearing different view points and hypothesis. I've never heard of Union Psychology before. I'll have to look more into it.

No misunderstanding period. razz  

[[Lucrative Lady]]

If you really knew me, you'd know that I put on an act to hide my true feelings and sometimes I don't even know who I am. My mother and father divorced before I was born, so I've never had a father figure in my life. I'm an only child and am usually alone all the time, so I've come to believe I'll always be alone. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and feel I'll never be happy until I have a boyfriend and am in love. If you really knew me, you'd know that when I was in middle school, I was teased for having eczema and not being a stereotypical black person. In 8th grade I found out that almost everyone in my grade said that I had herpes because of my skin, and people still keep saying I have herpes when I don't. If you really knew me, you'd know that because of that incident in 8th grade, I now have depression and super low self esteem and that I was admitted into a mental hospital in 10th grade for suicidal and homocidal thoughts. If you really knew me, you'd know that when I was 15, my 20 year old boyfriend raped me and now I have issues controlling myself sexually. If you really knew me, you'd know I wish I could lose 20 lbs and be beautiful, even though I'm 5'5 1/2" and weigh 135 lbs and everyone says I'm skinny already. I don't think that anyone likes me and I have no respect for myself and all I can think about it the future.  

[MemorysGalleySlave]

Lucrative, first off, your outer beauty, don't focus on it. Don't listen to any of the other bastards who downsize you. You should work on healing yourself, your soul self first. Know that true beauty comes from the inside, your soul self. People mistake love for outer beauty, too focused on the bullshit idea that skinny, curvy, big breast and a** are beauty. It's hallow feelings of joy. Let people love you for who you are. Let them see you, broken or not, and let them love you, love the woman, not the body.
Second, this is going to be a bit repeatative, don't listen to what any b*****d says about who you are. You suffered badly, and no one has the right, hell, there should be no right to insult you. You are stronger than those bastards, stronger than the damned celeberies who flaunt the empty outer beauty. You think those people know what you have went through? You think they have the strength to still be standing after they go through what you went through? Even better, you did what rarely others can do. You allowed yourself to remain as much as yourself, not allowing your suffering to corrupt you. Most people, majority of the time, they have the pain inside them take form, corrupting them and turning them into an even worse 'product' than what was thrown at them. These people evolve to murderers, rapists, oppressors, but you came out with whatever pieces of yourself you still had left. So, if some bastards claims you have herpes or flings mud in your face for having eczema, hold strong. They are nothing, they would break under what you went through. That strength, direct it towards your soul self, say that you will hold onto the strength you have, and you will chose to love yourself.
Third, know that there are those who are would bleed to help you. What you went through, I cannot claim that I know, being raped, so I will not say I understand. I do not pity you, but I yearn to help you see the strength in you that the Night Angels see in you. Had I been there, I would gladly shed blood to protect you, regardless of consequences. You are not a mental patient, that is bullshit for others to diagnose you as. You are a person who has hurt more than others, hurt more than probably half of the damn staff in that hospital. What you are is a great person who has bleed, has suffered, has been shattered, but that doesn't mean you are nothing.
You don't know who you are, but look at your current physical self as the you that can make the other you's come together. You are the one who can make the whole. Look at that self as the painter, and the different colors of paint, some mix together to make different colors at different times, but they are pieces of yourself. The red, the self that wishes to feel at home in the arms of others, the blue that shows the sea of suffering you went through, but has a beauty hidden inside it, the yellow that show the small hope you have in finding joy, the child that looks forward to the future with hope and yearning in her eyes.

I'm sorry what you went through, even more so that you were alone. I wish I could have known you, I wish that you could see that strength sleeping inside you. I pray to the Night Angels that they help you, I pray that the animal spirits help you heal, and that they show you the beauty you have sleeping inside you, that inner soul beauty. Hold onto that gem, guard it with your last breath, because unlike your outer body, this gem gives your soul something real to hold onto.  

[BugxNicole]

You have to stop doing that Memorys, if you talk about people being strong then I think I'll have to kill you. (By the way I'm just kidding, go ahead and do what you do, and I promise I will not murder you, May the night angels be with you!!)