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 Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 9:24 pm
Just post jokes about band.
Accordion jokes
An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.
Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.
Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.
Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Bagpipe jokes
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. Bagpiper.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Banjo jokes
Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.
Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
A: They make great anchors!
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A: They make good paddles.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: You can turn off a chainsaw.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
A: You can tune a Harley.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.
Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
A: "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
Bass jokes
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
The annoying drums
This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."
The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop."
"Why?"
"When drums stop...bass solo begins."
Bassoon jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.
Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.
Q: Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon?
A: A bassoon; there's more wood!
Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.
Q: What are oboes good for?
A: Kindling when burning basoons
Cello jokes
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.
Clarinet jokes
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicap zones.
Q: What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can't!
Drum jokes
Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.
Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
A: The knocking gets slower.
Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
A: The knocking gets faster.
Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
A: The bass player notices.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
Which drummer?
There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up?
The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
What is your IQ?
Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.
The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.
"200,000" replies the first guest.
"Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics.
Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.
Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
The new guest responds with "250".
"Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.
Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it "five".
"Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?"
Looking to buy
A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
English horn jokes
Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
A: One is far more painful to your ears.
Q: What's the name of a good English horn player?
A: I'll tell you when I meet one.
Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.
Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.
Flute jokes
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison.
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.
Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
French horn jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.
Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year."
Guitar jokes
Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!
Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".
Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?
Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Harp jokes
A harp is a nude piano.
A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Oboe jokes
Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them.
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.
Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes.
Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
A: Steal his batteries.
Organ jokes
Q: Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?
A: They are always longing for another stop.
Q: Why are a organist's fingers like lightning?
A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
Q: What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?
A: A flat major.
Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.
Q: Why was the organ invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Piano jokes
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.
Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.
Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
A: Root position cords.
A note left for a pianist from his wife
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.
Piccolo jokes
Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Saxophone jokes
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.
Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
Trombone jokes
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.
Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.
Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.
Trumpet jokes
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!
Tuba jokes
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."
Viola jokes
Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.
Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A semi-tone.
Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.
Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q: Which positions does a violist use?
A: First, third, and emergency.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
Fight between the musicians
At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.
He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.
The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!"
"Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say to that?"
In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!"
Musicians on a sinking ship
A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
Make me a better musician
There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
The insane conductor
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
Violin jokes
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.
Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
The autograph book
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."
Contacting a friend
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
Here is your punishment
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Vocal jokes
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.
Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
A: She was known as the deep C diva.
Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?
Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."
Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.
Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.
Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Get the drummer to do it.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
This must be heaven
So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.
"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."
The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."
A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line
The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.
1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.
2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.
4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.
5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.
6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.
7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.
9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.
11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.
12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection".
13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget.
Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!
The amazing conductor
When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"
The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"
Arriving at Heaven
A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"
The soprano answers, "Three."
"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.
"Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano.
Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth."
"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified.
"Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine."
Operas that never made it
Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.
Mozart: The Magic Tuba.
Puccini: La Bamba.
Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.
Verdi: Rigatoni.
Orchestra jokes
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
A: They've had little use.
While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.
Playing music
Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.
However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.
However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.
The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.
Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.
One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.
Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.
Efficiency
From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:
1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
May I speak to the conductor
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.
The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
Musical jokes
Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A: A new age song.
Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.
After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
Any last requests?
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."
Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock
From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
Glossary of music terms
Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 9:24 pm
Accidentals: Wrong notes
Ad Libitum: A premiere.
Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.
Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.
Allegro: Leg fertilizer.
Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.
Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.
Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.
Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance.
Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.
Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.
Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".
Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.
Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.
Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."
Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
Clausula: Mrs. Santa.
Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.
Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.
Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.
Countertenor: A singing waiter.
Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Crotchet: 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used.
Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.
Da capo al fine: I like your hat!
Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.
Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.
Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.
Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.
Ductia: 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.
Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.
Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.
Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
Estampie: What they put on letters in Quebec
Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.
Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.
Fine: That was great!
Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.
Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.
Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.
Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
Harmonic Minor: A good music student.
Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).
Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.
Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.
Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.
Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.
Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages
Isorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.
Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the other half
Lai: What monks give up when they take their vows.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.
Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhorns
Longa: The time between visits with Vire.
Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)
Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.
Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.
Metronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.
Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.
Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.
Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."
Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as 'faking'.
Neums: Renaissance midgets
Opus: A penguin in Kansas.
Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.
Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".
Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.
Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.
Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.
Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).
Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.
Quaver: Beginning viol class.
Rackett: Capped reeds class.
Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.
Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.
Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.
Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.
Sancta: Clausula's husband.
Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.
Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.
Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.
Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.
Supertonic: Schweppes.
Tempo: This is where a headache begins.
Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.
Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.
Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.
Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.
Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
Trope: A malevolent Neum.
Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.
Vibrato: The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.
Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.
How to buy a stero
1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.
2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.
3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.
4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)
5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)
6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.
7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.
9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.
10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.
11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.
12. The most important factor--out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.
Musician jokes
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.
Where are we?
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
What's that sound?
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."
Arriving in Heaven
Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.
St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?
Paul: My name is Paul.
St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Paul: 120K.
St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?
Paul: I was a lawyer.
St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?
Roger: My name is Roger.
St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Roger: 60K.
St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?
Roger: I was an accountant.
St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?
John: My name is John.
St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?
John: About $23,000.
St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
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Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2010 10:08 pm
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Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 5:25 pm
haha those are funny! rofl
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The Plays The Thing Captain
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Posted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 6:24 pm
those bassoon jokes were insulting. but the trumpet ones were too true, at least in my band.
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 3:43 pm
There are very few jokes that aren't insulting. Look at one of the oboe ones: How do you get five oboes in tune?
Shoot four of them.
That isn't exactally nice, now is it?
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 3:50 pm
Your Basic Symphony Orchestra
YOUR BASIC SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA The Members of the orchestra are divided into four sections. These are woodwinds, the strings, the brass, and the percussion. There’s also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This would be the conductor. It is generally required that the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from another section. And, as we know, musicians are quite serious about their food. Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation, let me set the record straight on plain English about some of the characteristics, which typify the four groups.
Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius range. Nerds with coke- bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre looking contraptions – their instruments – so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind player is male or female. String players are neurotic prima donnas who won’t even shake your hand for fear of permanent injury. A string player will never look you directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully … or often. Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone with the possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why. Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners of all musicians. They are always male, or close enough. Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside of their own section? For the answer to this and other pertinent questions we will need to examine the individual instrument and the respective – if not respected – players within each section.
The woodwinds:
Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world’s greatest reed. Oboists can’t drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements that are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat special.
English horn players are losers although they dress better than oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.
Bassoon players a re downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it’s really hard to catch them at their game. Here’s an instrument that’s better seen then heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs – their only real concern – they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.
It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers – the instruments as well as the players – and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.
Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won’t stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning.
Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty-yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance. The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports cars. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don’t need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys – nobody know why. Don’t ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.
Let’s continue now with the real truth about…
The strings:
We begin with the string family’s smallest member: the violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension instrument. It’s not an easy instrument to play. Lots of hard music is written for this instrument. Important things for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one – the door to your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number two – you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists whenever possible, which is most of the time. And number three – you should tell everyone how terribly valuable your instrument is until they drool.
The viola is a large awkward instrument, which when played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the string sections. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don’t like to be made fun of and therefore fine ways of making people sorry for them. They wear shabby clothes so that they’ll look as if they’ve just been dragged under a train. It works quite well.
People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have generally chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides 80% of its player’s considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis, which won’t end until they can play a scale in tune, or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.
Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The face that it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make these simple-minded folk disappear into their woodwork, but why do they drive such small cars?
Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good into their late eighties. Although rare as hen’s teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their eye batting, little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind players into carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was right – harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Pianists in the Symphony Orchestra work the least and complain the most. They have unusually large egos and, because they can only play seated, they also have the biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their excuse is that they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.
The Brass:
Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I’ll admit though, they do look good when they’re all cleaned up. They’ll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They’re worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor defenseless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don’t think so.
Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don’t shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they won’t hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don’t count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It’s a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.
The French Horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They’ll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all of the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren’t afraid of ruining you life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don’t miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn’t smell so sweet.
The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They’d give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with you. It’s a crying shame that there’s only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different. And finally…
The Percussion:
These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don’t deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them – to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it’s always too loud. The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettledrums. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettledrums pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he’s also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don’t practice – I guess they figure it’s bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert.
Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can be seen now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist.
And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives are than yours. This is surely what’s on their minds … if anything.
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 4:19 pm
PLAYER'S GUIDE FOR KEEPING CONDUCTORS IN LINE
1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute.
6. Ask for a seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Brass players : Drop mutes at every opportunity.
8. Loudly blow water from keys or spit valves during pauses.
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique," so challenge them frequently.
14. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that the others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 4:21 pm
Band Wars
I am not the only internet author who uses her Finals as a means of insperation. This is a little something I came up with when I heard that "Black Horse" (a John Phillip Sousa march) was to be our band final...
A not so long time ago in a classroom right around the corner...
BAND WARS
It is a period of Civil War.
Rebel Band Students striking
from a secret chair have won
their frist victory against
the Evil Galactic Conductor.
During the battle, Rebel
spies managed to steal the
score to the Conductor's new
Super piece, the BLACK HORSE
a Sousa march with enough power
to fail a bunch of students.
Persued by the Conductor's
sinister Agents, Piccalo
Trumpet races home aboard her
case, custodian of the score that
can save her section and restore
freedom to the classroom.
THE CONDUCTOR STIKES BACK
It is a dark time for the
Rebellion. Although the Black
Horse has been played,
Teacher's Pets have driven the
Rebel forces from their hidden
chair and pursued them across
the classroom.
Evading the dreaded
ASB a group of
freedom fighters led by Cocky
Musicmocker has established a
new secret base on the remote
empty chair of Harp
The evil T.A. Dark Player,
obsessed with finding young
Musicmocker, has dispatched
thousands of note probes
into the far reaches of the classroom.
RETURN OF THE MUSICIAN
Cocky Musicmocker has returned to
his home chair in an attempt to
rescue his friend Band Solo from
the clutches of the vile fashion
Backwards the Hat.
Little does Cocky know that the
GLACTIC CONDUCTIOR has secretly
begun construction of a new music piece,
ever more tougher than the first
dreaded Black Horse.
When completed, this ultimate
music will spell certin doom
for the small band of Rebels
struggling to restore freedom
to the classroom.
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 4:22 pm
Flute and Piccolo Jokes
Flute Jokes
How do concert band flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
They ask their boyfriend to do it for them.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.
How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.
What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G-- I really don't care, either!!
How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but she'll have to twist it back and forth for an hour to make sure she gets it just right.
What's the difference between a flutist and a seamstress?
I seamstress tucks the frills.
Piccolo Jokes
How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one.
What is the range of a piccolo?
Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
How do you tune two piccolos?
You shoot them both.
How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
--Five: One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to b***h about how much better they would have done it.
How many flutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one - she simply holds it up and the world revolves around her.
What do you call a good flute section?
Impossible
How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
When the engines stop, the whining continues
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 4:23 pm
Clarinet jokes
How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.
What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces.
How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
Cut the noose.
A man walked out to a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections:
Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read:
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know hwow many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
How do you know when a clarinet player is at your house?
They don't know where to enter and what key to use.
What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?
Vibrato.
What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
How do you stop an oboe from being stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case.
How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet?
Miss a lot of notes...
How do you know when a clarinetist has died?
The concertmaster moves them back a chair...
What do call a line setup by clarinets?
A circle
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 4:26 pm
Saxophone Jokes
Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your drugs,
Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
Because he kept ignoring the key signature-- he thought it was a suggestion.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it.
How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?
All of them.
If lost in the woods, who di you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
1. Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. You can tune a lawnmower.
3. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
4. The grip.
What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato.
2. The exhaust.
You may be a redneck saxophonist if...
...you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
...you spell it "saxaphone."
...you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.
...the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos.
...you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived.
What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What are trumpets made out of?
Leftover saxaphone parts.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What were the saxophone player's grades?
Below C level.
What's the difference between a saxophonist and a gentleman?
A gentleman knows how to play but doesn't.
What is the best recording of the Creston Saxophone Sonata?
Music Minus One.
How do you define a perfect pitch?
Throwing an alto sax in a toilet from 20 feet with out hitting the rim
There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop." The man is forced to stay the night in the natives village. All through the night, the drums keep on going so he got no sleep at all during the night. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because, when drum solo stop, sax solo start."
What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.
How can you tell if a saxophonist is intelligent?
He can understand a fingering chart except for L.th and R th.
What do you call a saxophonist who plays mostly 1/64 notes?
A ballad-specialist.
Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
He hated mankind but couldn´t build a atom-bomb.
The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers.
Large hammers.
When should a saxophonist change his reed?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.
Which is the ideal place to practise on a tenor-saxophone?
A: In Saddam Husseins bedroom.
B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
C: In a deserted coal mine.
D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone-player never, but never practises. The risk of learning to play is much too great.
What is Black and Brown and looks good on a saxophonist?
A Doberman
What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower?
lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it
What do you call a thousand saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer: A good start!
How many baritone sax players does it take to pop popcorn?
Two - one to hold the popper and one to shake the stove.
How many tenor sax players does it take to change a flat tire?
Four - one to change the tire, one to work the jack, and the other two to contemplate on how John Coltrane would have done it.
Here's a good way to finally get rid of Saddam Hussein.......Go to Bagdad and play an hour of out-of-tune soprano sax solos for him!
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 4:31 pm
Trumpet Jokes
How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Why can't gorillas play trumpet?
Gorillas are too sensitive.
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said 'tacit'-- so I took it!"
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the world revolves around them!
What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trumpet, but doesn't.
How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
How do trumpet players traditionally greet eachother?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrikes!
What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
"But Johnny, you can't do both."
What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the trumpet players.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpet player's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Louis Armstrong would have done it.
How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.
What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter and a terrorist?
The terrorist has sympathizers.
Three famous trumpet players are up in an airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"
What is the range of a trumpet player?
It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you want to hurt him?
How many jazz trumpeters does it take to change a light bulb?
Never mind- they can fake the changes.
How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
Take away his instrument.
So anyway, there's this Jazz trumpet player who's never made the money he wanted, but hey, that's jazz. He gets run over by a bus and due to his unruley life, goes down to Hell. He stood at the rusted iron gates when a bellowing voice calls out,
"Jazz musican are we?..............corridor C, door 14!"
So on he treks, trumpet firmly in hand. As he walks down the corridor he's struck dumb by this absolutley amazing Jazz jam going on. He follows the sound, picking up speed he final comes to the source of the 'Heavenly' sound..........door 14. He can't belive his luck when he opens the door, Dizzy Gillespie, Miles Davies, Buddy Rich..........all the greats were here. Dizzy looks over at him and says,
"Pull up a pew, son, and let the Jazz free"
He starts playing, still dumb-founded with his luck. If this was hell, then he'd be happy spending eternity here. Just then the door opens and in walks the devil.
"Right, boys and girls!! Break time over!............."
"I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want... You tell me what you want, what you really, really want..." (Or equally annoying music!)
How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
How many second trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
None they can't reach that high.
How many trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?????
How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one: all he has to do is hold his horn above his head the the world revolves around him.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
whats the range of a solo trumpet player?
about 40 yards if its a "super-light" model.
Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
--So they can park in the handicapped spot.
What's the differance between a trumpet player and God?
God knows he's not a trumpet player.
How do you tell a trumpet player's knocking at your door?
The knock speeds up.
A trumpet player at Louisiana Tech sent me this:
Since that I am a trumpet player I understand all of those jokes. Fortunatly I am not like the others here at Louisiana
Tech. The only thing I have in common with them is that I smoke. Here are a few things people say about us......
1)If you need a trumpet player go look on the back porch.
2)We are sponsored by Marlboro.
3)Need a smoke? Ask a trumpet player.
How can you tell a trumpet player's kids at a playground?
They don't know how to swing.
4 trumpet players are in a mini van. The mini van goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
You can fit 8 trumpet players in a mini van.
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Zero. They just complain about the darkness until a trombone player does it for them.
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 4:43 pm
Strings
Violin Jokes
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
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What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
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Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
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How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
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How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
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String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
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Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
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Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
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What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
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Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
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Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
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A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
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Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
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"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
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Viola Jokes
Viola jokes are on my viola jokes page.
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'Cello Jokes
How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
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Bass Jokes
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
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How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
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How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)
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A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
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At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
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Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
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There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."
After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"
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Lute Jokes
Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
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Harp Jokes
Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
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How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
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What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
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Piano Jokes
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
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Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
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The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
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Organ Jokes
Even though I'm a violist, I realize that the organ is not a string instrument. I put the organ jokes here because I thought it made sense to put them next to the piano jokes.
What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".
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The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Woodwinds
Flute/Piccolo Jokes
How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.
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Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
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Double Reed Jokes
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
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What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
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What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
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What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
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How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
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What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
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Clarinet Jokes
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
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What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
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What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Saxophone Jokes
You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
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What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
The grip.
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What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.
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The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
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Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
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Brass
Trumpet Jokes
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
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What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.
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What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
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How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!
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Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.
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In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
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Trombone Jokes
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
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How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
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How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.
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What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
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What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
A optimist.
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What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
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How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
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How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"
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How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
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What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."
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How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
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What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
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It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
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French Horn Jokes
How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.
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How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
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What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
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What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
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How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
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Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
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How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I played that last year."
"Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
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A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
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Tuba Jokes
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
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How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
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What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."
Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
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How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
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These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!
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Percussion
Percussionist Jokes
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
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What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
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What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
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How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
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How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
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Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
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Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
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How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
None. They have a machine to do that.
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Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
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What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
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Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
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In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.
"You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."
"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"
"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"
Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."
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A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
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Bodhran Jokes
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.
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What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
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How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
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What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
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What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.
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Vocalist Jokes
Soprano Jokes:
If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Who cares?
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What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.
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What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
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What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.
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What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
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How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
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What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
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How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
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What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.
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What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.
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What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
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What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.
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A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."
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Alto Jokes:
What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
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How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They can't get that high.
Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
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Tenor Jokes:
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to b***h that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
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What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.
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How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
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How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
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What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
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Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)
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If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
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Bass Jokes
How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
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How do you tell if a bass is dead?
What's the difference?
Who cares?
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In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.
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How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
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High School Chorus Jokes
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
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How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
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What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
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Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
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What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
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What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
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Folk/Rock/Popular Music and Instruments
Banjo Jokes
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
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What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
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What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"
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There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
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Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."
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Guitar Jokes
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
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How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
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What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.
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How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
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How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
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What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
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What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.
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How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
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In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
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Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
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Accordion Jokes
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?
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What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
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What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
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What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.
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What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
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What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain
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Bumper Stickers:
Play an accordian--go to jail!
Three rows and you're out!
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Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles
Chang Jokes
A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.
How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.
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Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.
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Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.
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Misc. Jazz/Folk/Rock/Country/Blues/Popular
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
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What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
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How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
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What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
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What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
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What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
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"Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind..."
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What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
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How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"One, two, three, one, two, three..."
"Hey man, I just do sound."
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
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How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
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Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
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How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
"Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
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How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
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Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.
Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
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Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
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Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"
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I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.
He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."
I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.
"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
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Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
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A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."
The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"
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General
Conductor Jokes
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the a*****e in the back.
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A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
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Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
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What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
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What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.
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Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
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What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
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What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
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What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
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Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.
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What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
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What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
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What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
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What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
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What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.
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A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
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Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 4:44 pm
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A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
"What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.
"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra"
"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal."
So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?"
"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."
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It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"
So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.
"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement.
"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.
"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"
The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
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Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day, the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing profusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there."
"Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind, too, and did not see to step out of your way."
A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to see what you are like?"
"Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead."
So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears! You must be a rabbit."
"Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?"
"Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching himself out full length on the path.
The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!"
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A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
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"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by a**l intercourse?"
"Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think conductors are made?"
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A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"
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A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor.
"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him.
"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.
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A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
Look the other way just before cues.
Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
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Musician Jokes
What's the first thing a musician says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"
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What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.
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Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six thirty.
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What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
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What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.
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The stages of a musician's life:
Who is name?
Get me name.
Get me someone who sounds like name.
Get me a young name.
Who is name?
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There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
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A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."
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Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
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St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
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Variations on a Theme
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
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What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?
The seamstress tucks and frills.
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What's the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?
The seamstress says "Tuck the frills."
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Miscellaneous
"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."
--Rossini
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"Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain
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"A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to be done."
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"A drummer is a musician's best friend."
from a Martin Mull album.
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"The present day composer refuses to die."
-- Edgar Varese
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"Beethoven had an ear for music."
-- anonymous
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"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two."
-- The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce
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Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog?
His name was feedo.
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What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A demented chord.
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How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?
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A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.
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Why did the Philharmonic disband?
Excessive sax and violins.
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Borodin nothing to do!!
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Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
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Haydn's Chopin Liszt at Vivaldi's:
Rossini and cheese
Schumann polish
Bern-n-stein remover
Satie mushrooms
batteries (Purcell)
BeethOVEN cleaner
Hummel microwave meals
orange Schubert
TchaiCOUGHsky drops
marshMahlers
Honey-nut Berlioz
Cui-tips
Chef Boyardee Raveli
sour cream and Ives
Strauss (straws)
chocolate Webers (wafers)
Del Monteverdi corn
Mozart-rella cheese
I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
Bach of serial (opera)
chicken Balakirev
new door Handel
Golden Brahms
Clemen-TEA
Little Debussy snack cakes
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna
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Definitions:
string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....
crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.
transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.
coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
ad libitum: a premiere.
beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.
lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)
music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
tenor: two hours before a nooner.
diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.
ritard: there's one in every family.
relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.
relative minor: a girlfriend.
big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".
repeat: what you do until they just expel you.
treble: women ain't nothin' but.
bass: the things you run around in softball.
portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.
conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
tempo: good choice for a used car.
A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.
transpositions:
men who wear dresses.
An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
cut time:
parole.
when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar.
passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
tuba: a compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
cadenza:
that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola
whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
clef: what you try never to fall off of.
bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.
altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".
minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad.
12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.
quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.
sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
cello: the proper way to answer the phone.
bassoon:
typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
a bedpost with a bad case of gas.
french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.
time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie.
bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."
audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
accidentals: wronng notes.
augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.
broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.
cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.
chansons de geste: dirty songs.
clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.
crotchet:
a tritone with a bent prong.
like knitting, but faster.
ducita: a lot of mallards.
embouchure the way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.
garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.
hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
Major interval: a long time.
Minor interval: a few bars.
Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.
isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.
minnesinger: a boy soprano.
musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
neums: renaissance midgets.
neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
ordo: the hero in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.
rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.
sancta: Clausula's husband.
lasso: the 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.
di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.
quaver: beginning viol class.
rackett: capped reeds class
ritornello: a Verdi opera.
sine proprietate: cussing in church.
supertonic: Schweppes.
trope: a malevolent neum.
tutti: a lot of sackbuts.
stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.
agnus dei: a famous female church composer.
metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
allegro: leg fertilizer.
recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.
transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.
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Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"
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When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: "Give us back castrati!"
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Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."
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Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients.
"Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said the patient.
"Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?"
"Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient.
"Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?"
"Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones," said the patient.
"Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist.
"Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient.
Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?"
All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String quartets!... String quartets!... "
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Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims.
Now at this point, you must understand two things:
There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.
When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"
The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.
While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.
<
Reprinted without permission from Edmonton Centre newsletter, Canada, and Canadian RCCO newsletter.
The following program notes are from an unidentified piano recital.
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading pianists.
In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness, and especially poise."
For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute.
Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake.
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Orchestra Personnel Standards
conductor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
oboist
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
trumpet player
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
bassoonist
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
second violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
manager
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
horn player
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
Math/Logic Quiz
Wilson is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from his colleagues will he be able to retire on the money he has saved if he invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If not, calculate the probablitity of him ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again!
Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming he stopped practising altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?
Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?
Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?
Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?
Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?
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From: EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:
We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
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