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| What genre of book do you like? |
| Fantasy |
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100% |
[ 5 ] |
| Sci-fi |
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| Adventure |
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[ 0 ] |
| Mystery |
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| Romance |
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| Total Votes : 5 |
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 Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 6:58 pm
ok this is just a small part of what i ahve been working on for a little while. hope you like it and feel free to comment or leave another story.
no known title yet.
Prologue
“LAURA! RUN”
I was running. I couldn’t run any faster. If only I knew what was to happen next in ones life.
The forest was closing in on me from all sides. I couldn’t breathe. It happened so fast. All I remember was the laughter turning to screams as a shrill noise rang through out the campsite.
How could this happen to me, I thought. I saw the castle up ahead. One more league and I’d be safe. Then the bridge started to slowly rise. I was close but not close enough. You have to jump. It’s the only way to get in before it closes. I sped up. No use, I still wasn’t going to make it.
“Please keep it open a little longer!” I yelled as loud as I could. The bridge still kept going up. “PLEASE KEEP IT OPEN!”
They heard that one. The problem was that it was to far up to jump.
“IT NEEDS TO BE LOWER” I screamed. Down it went. I threw myself forward into a full speed sprint and took a massive leap for the bridge. With feet hitting solid wood I ran into the castle towards the castle guard.
“Let me in. I have important news for Leroy,” I told the knights that were guarding the door. They moved away instantly.
“They took over the camp!” I exclaimed as I burst into Leroy’s room, “They took the camp. I…I…couldn’t s…stop them!”
“Whoa slow down. Now before you say any thing else, I would like to know where my daughter is,” he had a concerned look in his eyes.
“Alexa! Oh crap. I am so sorry. She told me to run and get you. They took the camp and everyone in it soon after I left. I should have told her to come with. I am so sorry,” I sadly explained to him. Alexa was Leroy’s daughter of 18 years and my best friend.
“Oh. Well tell me what happened,” he was so sad that I didn’t want to. A lot of the knights that were at the camp were his friends.
“Well, Justin had just told a funny story and everyone was laughing. Then, a shrill noise came from the forest. Then all chaos broke out. Alexa grabbed me and dove for a tent and everyone else grabbed for their weapons. That was when Alexa told me to get you. Soon after I left, Alexa screamed. She screamed for me to run. And by hearing that scream I knew that the camp had been over run and taken.”
“Laura, was your father there?” Leroy was always protective when it came to friends.
“No, he came back to the castle.”
“Do you know where he is now?” Leroy asked.
“No, I don’t know where he is,” I confessed, “I’ll go look for him.”
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Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 9:50 am
I hope you don't mind, but I thought I'd make some suggestions and do a little editing sweatdrop
Quote: “LAURA! RUN !” Obeying the shout, I ran as fast as I couldI was running. I couldn’t run any faster. If only I knew what it was possible to know what happen s next in ones life. The forest was closing in on me from all sides. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It happened so fast. All I remember was the laughter turning to screams as a shrill noise rang through out the campsite behind me. How could this have happenedhappen to me, I thought. I saw the castle up ahead and picked up speed. One more league and I’d be safe. Then Before me the bridge started to slowly rise. I was close but not close enough. You I would have to jump. It ’s was the only way I could to get in before it close sd. I sped up , but it was Nno use, I still wasn’t going to make it. “Please keep it open a little longer!” I yelled as loud as I could. The bridge still kept going up. “PLEASE KEEP IT OPEN!” I shouted once more. They heard that one. The problem was that it was to o far up to jump. “IT NEEDS TO BE LOWER” I screamed. Down it went. I threw myself forward into a full speed sprint and took a massive leap for the bridge. With feet hitting solid wood I ran into the castle towards the castle guard.
A couple suggestions to keep in mind:
* You seem to use a lot of sentence fragments. These are fine when it is a character speaking, because that may be part of their character, but it makes it harder to follow if you use it too much in your narrative
* Be mindful of words that there are variations of (to, too, two, etc.)
Quote: “Let me in. I have important news for Leroy,” I told the knights that were guarding the door. They moved away instantly.
Who is Leroy? Is it King Leroy, or Sir Leroy, or Master Leroy? Is he royalty or another Knight? This is a good spot to introduce the character a little more formally. You can reduce them to just "Leroy" once we've met them.
Quote: “They took over the camp!” I exclaimed as I burst into Leroy’s room, “ They took the campThey came out of nowhere. I…I… we...couldn’t s…stop them!”
Quote: “Whoa slow down xxxx. Now , before you say any thing else, I would like to know where my daughter is .” Hhe had a concerned look in his eyes.
Here is a good spot to introduce your main character by name. Is s/he "Jim Bob"? "Joe Cool"? We have no clue at this point. What is his/her status in relation to Leroy?
Quote: “ Alexa! Oh crap. I am so sorry. She told me to run and get you. They took the camp and everyone in it soon after I left. I should have told her to come with me. I am so sorry,” I sadly explained to him. Alexa was Leroy’s daughter of 18 years and my best friend.
Who is Alexa? Princess? Mistress? Queen? And (going back to the previous comment) why is the main character able to be so formal with Leroy? If he/she is a servant (no matter if s/he is Alexa's best friend) s/he would still be required to address someone above him/her formally in most circumstances. Or are they on the same level as Leroy and Alexa?
Who are "They"?? Enemies? Demons? Mutants from outer space?
Quote: “Oh. Well tell me what happened,” he was so sad that I didn’t want to. A lot of the knights that were at the camp were his friends.
His daughter and companions were just kidnapped by space monkeys!! Why is he so calm? Is he that old that anger takes too much energy out of him?
Quote: “Well, Justin had just told a funny story and everyone was laughing. Then, a shrill noise came from the forest. Then all chaos broke out. Alexa grabbed me and dove for a tent and everyone else grabbed for their weapons. That was when Alexa told me to get you. Soon after I left, Alexa screamed. She screamed for me to run. And by hearing that scream I knew that the camp had been over run and taken.” “Laura, was your father there?” Leroy was always protective when it came to friends. “No, he came back to the castle.” “Do you know where he is now?” Leroy asked. “No, I don’t know where he is,” I confessed, “I’ll go look for him.”
A lot of very vague information here. This is a section that can be expanded on quite a bit.
Hope this helped!! sweatdrop whee
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Posted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 12:54 am
Kyrellyan I hope you don't mind, but I thought I'd make some suggestions and do a little editing sweatdrop Quote: “LAURA! RUN !” Obeying the shout, I ran as fast as I couldI was running. I couldn’t run any faster. If only I knew what it was possible to know what happen s next in ones life. The forest was closing in on me from all sides. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It happened so fast. All I remember was the laughter turning to screams as a shrill noise rang through out the campsite behind me. How could this have happenedhappen to me, I thought. I saw the castle up ahead and picked up speed. One more league and I’d be safe. Then Before me the bridge started to slowly rise. I was close but not close enough. You I would have to jump. It ’s was the only way I could to get in before it close sd. I sped up , but it was Nno use, I still wasn’t going to make it. “Please keep it open a little longer!” I yelled as loud as I could. The bridge still kept going up. “PLEASE KEEP IT OPEN!” I shouted once more. They heard that one. The problem was that it was to o far up to jump. “IT NEEDS TO BE LOWER” I screamed. Down it went. I threw myself forward into a full speed sprint and took a massive leap for the bridge. With feet hitting solid wood I ran into the castle towards the castle guard.
* You seem to use a lot of sentence fragments. These are fine when it is a character speaking, because that may be part of their character, but it makes it harder to follow if you use it too much in your narrative
* Be mindful of words that there are variations of (to, too, two, etc.)Quote: “Let me in. I have important news for Leroy,” I told the knights that were guarding the door. They moved away instantly.
Who is Leroy? Is it King Leroy, or Sir Leroy, or Master Leroy? Is he royalty or another Knight? This is a good spot to introduce the character a little more formally. You can reduce them to just "Leroy" once we've met them.Quote: “They took over the camp!” I exclaimed as I burst into Leroy’s room, “ They took the campThey came out of nowhere. I…I… we...couldn’t s…stop them!” Quote: “Whoa slow down xxxx. Now , before you say any thing else, I would like to know where my daughter is .” Hhe had a concerned look in his eyes. Quote: “ Alexa! Oh crap. I am so sorry. She told me to run and get you. They took the camp and everyone in it soon after I left. I should have told her to come with me. I am so sorry,” I sadly explained to him. Alexa was Leroy’s daughter of 18 years and my best friend.
Who are "They"?? Enemies? Demons? Mutants from outer space?Quote: “Oh. Well tell me what happened,” he was so sad that I didn’t want to. A lot of the knights that were at the camp were his friends. Quote: “Well, Justin had just told a funny story and everyone was laughing. Then, a shrill noise came from the forest. Then all chaos broke out. Alexa grabbed me and dove for a tent and everyone else grabbed for their weapons. That was when Alexa told me to get you. Soon after I left, Alexa screamed. She screamed for me to run. And by hearing that scream I knew that the camp had been over run and taken.” “Laura, was your father there?” Leroy was always protective when it came to friends. “No, he came back to the castle.” “Do you know where he is now?” Leroy asked. “No, I don’t know where he is,” I confessed, “I’ll go look for him.” Hope this helped!! sweatdrop whee I agree with all of this, if this is applied to the text you would have quite a spectatcular piece of writing. Thoug I also want to add one thing: ones life, should be, one's life
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Posted: Tue Dec 01, 2009 2:45 pm
Leroy and Laura's father are on the same level which makes Alexa on the same level as Laura which i haven't quite figured out what that would be. I'm guessing it would be "Lady of the House" or somewhere along those lines.
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