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Unworthy

I looked where she laid and wished that I could lie beside her. Yet, even now if I laid there she could not hold me. Leaning my head against the cool marble stone of her grave, I knew that killing myself wouldn’t bring me closer to her. Life could not bring us together, and death would be the same.

How could it be, that I was destined to love her the way I do when she was destined to be only my friend? What kind of god, what kind of world is this that makes that acceptable?

I laid on the damp grass, feeling the wet soak into my skin--into the very bones, but I didn’t care. She was gone and I was alone…alone…That word echoed in my mind. I know that she would never be mine but to see her face to know that one day…maybe if the stars aligned that she could love me…But now even that was gone. She was dead, moldering beneath the ground. Jane was lost to me forever.

For all my life, all my conscious memories I had tried to find my place with her. I had hoped my place would be beside her, but I had been wrong. My place was always arm’s length away. There was always something between us, keeping us apart.

She never loved me, not like that. I had loved her with all my being just as I had come to hate her. I had tried to walk away from her, but she was my drug…She was a vivid dream that I couldn’t wake from. I was hooked. I’d give my life for one breathe of the sweet essence of her hair, the scent of Tiger Lilies always wafted from her. She was like spring to my barren life, a life that had only known winter.

Jane, sweet Jane…I remember those deep green eyes looking at me with such love. I had wanted that love to mean something else, anything than it did but even I could not pretend for long. It was torture knowing that she would never look at me with those eyes the way she looked at other males. I was Benji, her friend…her confident…never her lover.

I touched the cool marble and it passed through my mind that it’s cool, impersonal touch was like the way she had always touched me. It had been warm, familiar but knowing that it was only as a friend made even that warmth cold. I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t see it…she had never seen it. If only I had told her, if only she had known…Maybe things would be different.

I sat straight up in bed, the sheets soaked with sweat. Pushing aside the damp, lank hair that plastered my forehead, I got up to pace the room. It was only a dream. My Jane was alive!

My Jane…No, never mine Nightmare or dream that never changed she was never mine nor could ever be mine.

I was not worthy of her love. She had always loved someone else…anyone else.
She did love me. To her, I was her brother. I was the faithful soul who was always there for her and took care of her. But what was she to me? She was ghost and demon. She was pain unbearable and joy innumerable.

Jane held my very soul in her grasp, she had all power over me. With one word, one look, one insinuation from her, I would go to hell and back to do her bidding. But Jane asked nothing and everything from me--the one thing I could not grant…to love her.

"Give it back!" The voice of the girl cut across the school grounds.

"What this old thing?" The tormenter sneered.

"Can't you see? You're hurting it!"

Benjamin's head had turned when he first heard that voice. It was a beautiful voice, despite the anguish it held. He saw her standing there--her orange hair falling down her back weaved with Tiger Lilies.

He didn't know why or quite how, but he found himself standing next to her. His voice was quiet and low as he confronted the bully that was similiar to his size.

The girl looked at him as though he had just saved her life. Something odd happened, he felt braver less afraid of what he was trying to do.

"You? You're going to defy us?"

Benjamin was quiet as he looked from the girl to the bully. His heart soared when he saw the look on her face again. "Yes." It was a simple reply.

"Well, gee I guess we should just give it back to her then." The bully put on a simpering smile as he handed her the kitten.

The young girl pulled it to her and blushed brightly at Ben.

Ben was returning her smile, when he felt lights pop in his head. It was a second or two before he realized he was lying on the hard ground. He tasted something wet and iron-like in his mouth--blood. He looked up to find the bully standing over him.

"You've paid the price." The boy laughed as he left, "Don't worry, we'll be meeting again real soon."

He felt the long sheen of her hair block out the sun, and he could feel it stirring in the faint breeze. “Are you okay?” Her voice held an edge of worry.

He opened his eyes and looked up into the most brilliant green eyes he’d ever seen. They were the colour of grass when it was fresh and full of life in spring. It fit her. She was fresh and beautiful….

His mind resurfaced as she stared at him, her eyes wide. “I’m okay.” He sat up a bit abruptly, causing the world to spin. The sky and ground fell end over end. The orange of her hair splayed like paint smears across it all, while her eyes remained right in the center of his focus. Beautiful green eyes….

She steadied him. “Easy now, not so quick.” Her eyes assessed him quickly. “You didn’t have to do that. You don’t even know me.” The lilt in her voice was quizzical.

“Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have.” His voice was thick as he spat out blood. Focusing back in on her, he smiled lightly. “It was the right thing to do. Not easy, but right.”

Her face broke into a smile, and its very brilliance dazzled him as if the sun in it’s own benevolence had decided to smile at him or as if a star had decided to shine for him alone. He’d always remember this as her smile for him, only him.

“I’m Jane.” It struck him how the name both fit her and didn’t. She wasn’t plain, she was beautiful in a simple unadulterated fashion.

She looked at him expectant offering him a hoof up.
Taking it, he smiled as he got to his feet. His face not far from hers. “I’m Benjamin.”

Benjamin was waiting by the lake nervously, he was afraid someone might see him and this was a time not to be seen. He shifted nervously as he waited for the meeting here. Being seen with these people would have bad implications, it would make things far wore than they were already. Jane would never speak with him again…he’d die of that. He couldn’t let her go, she was the solitary gleam of sunlight in his shadowed days.

But already, she had looked at him differently. Her eyes hinted that she suspected…even she couldn’t ignore what he was becoming. When had the darkness become so friendly to him? When had he shunned all but Jane’s light?

He couldn’t pinpoint the moment, but it was something he had known all along--he was losing her. She was in love with someone, someone far “greater” than him. What did he know of greatness? Anger surged through him. That vile man she loved was nothing, he had no true accomplishments just money, status, friends…everything that Benjamin had been lacking. But not only had that man taken Jane’s love, something he had never been granted , he was taking her away entirely.

My Jane! Benjamin’s mind screamed it, but he knew the truth. She had never been his. Never. There had never been a moment when those flashing green eyes had shown anything other than loving him as a brother, as a best friend.

Maybe that’s why the darkness called his name. Maybe it was power? Maybe it was status? But that didn’t seem to fit. It felt more like, if he could become something he could become worthy of her love. But could she love him like this?

Even if he built an empire, could she love him?

In his heart, he knew that she could never love him, especially not on this path. But…He loved her, and his mind told him that anything was worth the chance. That maybe being lost in the darkness would be better than seeing those eyes look at him like that. Anything would be better than that.

Queen Aerowen showed up, pushing the cloak away from her face. “Greetings brother, you bring us news?”

Benjamin bowed his head in reverence to her, “I bring you great news. It is accomplished.”

“You have done exceedingly well.” The bloodstained mouth smiled at him. “You shall be rewarded greatly servant, your master is well pleased.”

Benjamin nodded his head. “Yes, my liege.”

The conversation continued on in hushed whispers and darting glances until their business was concluded. Then Aeronwen was gone as quickly as she had come.

Benjamin was lost in thought when he heard a soft noise, turning he saw Jane standing there.

Her angry and anguished filled eyes streamed tears and her lip trembled as she looked at him, “Benji…Oh, Benji..” She spun and fled back to her room, away from him.

Benjamin closed his eyes in pain. He had known she had never loved him, even known that she never could or would be able to….But this. She hated him now.