Xian's journal.

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 12, 2009-

Today was a pretty good day. :3

I got alot of compliments and congrats for us winning Saturday.

Got to talk to duke it out with a good friend of mine to help blow off much need steam and pent up frustration, oh yeah and I got to talk to...uh I forget his name he's really not that important anyways.

Tony- I don't think you'll be getting a picture anytime soon seeing as how I can't upload one myself. Dx

As for the vids I promised regarding the competition the person who shoots them hasn't posted them up on youtube but when I get them i'll post them up right away. :3

Edit: I made a song just now, and i'm going to finally go catch some sleep. Good night everyone~  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 13, 2009-

I'm crazy, it's no secret. I've been crazy or whatever people tell me it all the time.

I can't help feel like this has all happened before. everything I have done in my life has led up to this point. I feel like i'm not control in my life at all. Like some cosmic force is leading me to certain death, which wouldn't be far off i've always guessed i'm nature's cruel joke.

I have really big mood swings, one minute i'm fine the next second i'm ******** depressed and ready to go off on the first person I talk to or the first thing that goes wrong.

I can't help think of suicide which I know i'd never do but I still can't help think about it, I wonder if the next life is better then the one I lead right now.

My parents might put me away for a while because I asked them about it, that's life though. Mine anyways.

It's easy to lie to someone and say I don't care. Or say something the opposite of what I really feel. When I get bitter and angry at the world and the way my life has turned out I often take it out on what I feel has been the main cause of all these pent up anger issues I have.

I'm sorry, and yet at the same time i'm kind of not. It doesn't matter though as the problems just seem to re-occur and your trust in me diminishes faster and faster. I'm OCD when it comes to you, and I get set off very easily just like you get set off very easily at what I do.

In your mind, or at least how I see you there is no changing it anymore. No more chances, no more caring. And so I spiral deeper and deeper into depression and the problems get worse and worse and there is no escape.

It's like a cycle. And i'm doomed to follow it for my remaining days, for however long they may be. And as I type this up and you read this and just think it's another cry for attention or some emo bullshit, you'll care even less.

And things will get worse and the cycle will continue.

This concludes another rant from the inside of my mind.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 14, 2009- School was ok.

Life is ok. Everything is fine.

More talk of sending me back to the mental hospital, maybe this time around it'll do me good or whatever.

I highly doubt it though. Breaking someone repeatedly does not make them better.

*sighs*  

[DiDiW]

Doesn't sound like you really think everything is fine. I'm worried about you. *huggles*  

[Insanity Sparkles]

Thank you for your concern. =(

Everything isn't ok.

People read this though and if I don't put "i'm fine" then i'm classified as an "emo attention whore wannabe who just wants everyone to feel sorry for him".

So As much as i'd like to go on with my rants and believe someone out there will eventually understand me and life can become good again, it probably won't happen and i'm going to end up in a straight jacket in a room all alone to spend the rest of my days in my own head. Heavily sedated because I will snap.

But everything's fine.  

[DiDiW]

I don't believe in saying things are fine unless they are. It doesn't fix anything, anyway.

And there is nothing wrong with admitting you're upset. Otherwise you can't work through it. We all get carried away sometimes, of course, and wallow in self-pity (myself included!), but that doesn't mean the rest of the time it isn't valid emotion!

Quite frankly, I'm not fine right now, either, and I'm not going to say I am! So feel free to admit things look bleak right now. Just don't give in and let it stay that way.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

Well as of recently things have been looking bleak most the time and i'm not going to bug people with it.

October 15, 2009- School was fine. I'm fine. Might be offline starting next week for a very long time.

I'm sorry to everyone if that happens.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 16, 2009-

Early release day, did pretty much nothing. Marching practice sucked, we have another competition tommorow.

I wish I could get a real hug right now because I could seriously use it.

Or a phone call. (You know who you are)  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 17, 2009-

Had nice talk with Julie yesterday. :3

Might go see my brother play football, after that i'm going to my bad contest that starts at 1...

Wish i'd get a call from a certain someone. I don't know what to say other then that i'll update more tonight.

Update: Marching competition went great we got all 1's which is the highest ratings you can get.

Still waiting for a call from someone, now more then ever because I feel like something is going terribly wrong for that someone, and i'd like to at least know they are doing ok.  

[Insanity Sparkles]

October 19, 2009- Was supposed to go to the institution Wensday.

Great grandma just died. I have another week tops.

Fighting a losing battle. Could use a friend to cheer me up right about now. My great grandma was very close to me..