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Tangerine_Monster

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Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 11:21 am

I, uh, wrote some poems. I wanted to know what you guys thought of them, because I'm not sure if I want to put the 2 untitled poems in the arena.The first one's in the arena, though. Its called Rabbit Wars. The other ones I just wrote. I don't have any links, so I'll just write them here.

Untitled 1-

In a war-torn country, a girl is kept up
by gunshots in the night, and a far off scream
she shuts her eyes, and curls up in a ball
and tries to pretend its only a dream.

untitled 2-

in a far-off, familiar place,
on the corner of a street
a boy holds out a tin can, begging for change.
empty stomach
naked feet
he dreams of one day getting away
but for now he'll settle
for something to eat.

What do you think? Should I put the 2 untitled ones in the arena? Also, have you written any poetry, or stories, or done any artwork?

Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 2:37 pm

Does this rhyming come natural?
It seems like it.

I'd watch that, because if you're more focused on the rhyme than the message you want to send, then that could cause some trouble.

Just a tip.

I like them.

Leowna

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Tangerine_Monster

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Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 4:18 pm

Lupina Blackwing

Does this rhyming come natural?
It seems like it.

I'd watch that, because if you're more focused on the rhyme than the message you want to send, then that could cause some trouble.

Just a tip.

I like them.

Thanks! Although I'm not really sure what you mean by the rhyming coming naturally?

Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 4:00 pm

WatermelonSmiles

Lupina Blackwing

Does this rhyming come natural?
It seems like it.

I'd watch that, because if you're more focused on the rhyme than the message you want to send, then that could cause some trouble.

Just a tip.

I like them.

Thanks! Although I'm not really sure what you mean by the rhyming coming naturally?

Like, it's not forced.
You didn't use words that were inappropriate for the meaning for the sake of keeping the rhyme scheme.

If you ever had to say to yourself, "s**t, what's a word that rhymes with ___?" then you should stop rhyming.

Leowna

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Tangerine_Monster

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Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 7:29 pm

Lupina Blackwing

WatermelonSmiles

Lupina Blackwing

Does this rhyming come natural?
It seems like it.

I'd watch that, because if you're more focused on the rhyme than the message you want to send, then that could cause some trouble.

Just a tip.

I like them.

Thanks! Although I'm not really sure what you mean by the rhyming coming naturally?

Like, it's not forced.
You didn't use words that were inappropriate for the meaning for the sake of keeping the rhyme scheme.

If you ever had to say to yourself, "s**t, what's a word that rhymes with ___?" then you should stop rhyming.

Oh. I thought you meant that I WAS using words that messed up the meaning for the sake of the rhyming scheme.

Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 7:38 pm

WatermelonSmiles

Lupina Blackwing

WatermelonSmiles

Lupina Blackwing

Does this rhyming come natural?
It seems like it.

I'd watch that, because if you're more focused on the rhyme than the message you want to send, then that could cause some trouble.

Just a tip.

I like them.

Thanks! Although I'm not really sure what you mean by the rhyming coming naturally?

Like, it's not forced.
You didn't use words that were inappropriate for the meaning for the sake of keeping the rhyme scheme.

If you ever had to say to yourself, "s**t, what's a word that rhymes with ___?" then you should stop rhyming.

Oh. I thought you meant that I WAS using words that messed up the meaning for the sake of the rhyming scheme.

Noo.
Not at all.
You did a good job.
=)

Leowna

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