Journal of Elftech722

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Monday, November 14th, 2005 1:00 PM

You know that feeling you get when you are holding pocket aces and you see an ace turn over on the flop? Well, that is nothing compared to the feeling of joy and elation at starting work here at S. Corp! I can barely contain myself.
Of course I act all cool. Good thing elftech 247 gave me a good referral for this job. ( Not that he knows it sssssh. I faked it. hehe. ) It helps to have an edge like that. Always looking for that edge ... that's me. I can bluff my way into any job. Mrs. Claus wasn't easy to fool, but I think I pulled it off ok.

Mrs. Claus

So, tell me a bit about your work experience ... have you worked on a project like this before?

I didn't know what to say because my only legitimate job was working as the "Amazing Elf" at Johnny K. Gambino's Gold Mountain. Card tricks and parlor magic stunts, ya know. Not exactly the qualifications needed for ... well, I have no idea what I will be making exactly, but toy construction is not exactly my forte. I can palm the ace of spades from the middle of the deck without even looking but my etch-a-sketch construction skills are a little weak.

Elftech722

Oh sure. Of course. Yes. I have worked on many such .... projects before. But then, what elf hasn't? haha ha!
Well, perhaps nothing of this scale maybe ... but you get the idea. Lots of BIG projects. Making a toy for every girl and boy is all in a day's work for me! I just buckle down and you would not believe how much I can do.
By the way, I heard that we will be working directly with Santa in the workshop. Is that true? I mean, what an honor! A real treat! To work for the big man himself is just a ---

She interrupted me:

Mrs. Claus

Well, we need you to start right away. Follow Elftech013 into the next room and he will show you where to start.

Funny thing, now that I think of it, I haven't seen Elftech013 around since then. But then, this is a large scale operation so it is hard to keep track of all the new faces. It doesn't help that we all kinda look the same. hehe.  

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Tuesday, November 15th, 2005 5:50 PM

When I'm really bored, like right now, I try to come up with a new idea for my act. Here's my latest:

Quote:

"AND NOW! "
( drum-roll please )

"For my next trick ... "
( as the audience sits on the edge of their seats )

"a trick that will ASTOUND and AMAZE you ..."
( the spotlight flashes across the stage )

" I will turn THIS ordinary household REINDEER into ... "
( dramatic pause as the audience stares at the animal on the stage in wonderment: 'into what? A polar bear? A christmas tree? O please, let it be a christmas tree!' )

" a CHICKEN!!!!"

POOF!


"Cluck. Cluck. Cluck! Cluck-ety-Cluck!"


"And what a magnificent chicken it is too! What juicy drumsticks you have! Take it easy, Rudolph! No need to get your feathers ruffled! Santa won't notice a thing ... chickens are pretty good at flying and pulling a sleigh, right?"
No?
Hmmm. Well, that's a shame.
And now, on to my next trick, making a delicious chicken dinner from scratch!"

Did I mention that I don't like Rudolph? I met him today and ran the idea by him but he wasn't very cooperative. I'm gonna put on a little magic show for the rest of the elves. Something to lighten their spirits. But old Rudolf was not going for it.

"A chicken? You want to turn me into a chicken? I'm the laughing stock already around here." Rudolf snorted.

When he gets annoyed, his nose glows extra brightly, I've noticed.

"I'm not going to actually turn you into a chicken ... I'm gonna make them all THINK you are a chicken." I was very diplomatic. "Hey, how about a rubber chicken? Huh? That would be a good one, eh?"

Not even a chuckle from old Rudolph. I mean, come on, have a sense of humor! Oh well, maybe I can get Prancer to go along with it. That deer will do anything for a free lollipop.  

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Wednesday, November 16th, 2005 6:40 AM

I got Prancer to go along with it! Turning that silly reindeer into a rubber chicken will be the greatest feat of my career. The Amazing Elf rises again! Prancer wasn't hard to convince.

"How about 2 cans of chicken cola and a vegie-rollup?"

Prancer was elated. Turns out he is a huge fan of vegie rollups, although he thinks the chicken cola is questionable. Anyways, Prancer agreed, so now I just need to think of a way to pull of the stunt.

I've never tried a stunt of this magnitude before. I can do a rabbit from a hat easily, but tranforming a reindeer into a chicken is no small feat. The magic books say don't involve live animals in your act because they are messy and unpredictible. I hope Prancer doesn't leave any droppings on the stage.

Today I will be meeting with Elftech247 for my new job assignment. I am a little disappointed they are making me change jobs. I was getting so good at making those etch-a-sketches! I am getting rave reviews on my performance evaluations. It helps that I sit in the factory next to Elftech003's workbench. Yesterday, I was able to lift a couple hundred etch-a-sketches from her stack mid-afternoon and boosted my quota to over 650. ( Speaking of Elftech003, what is up with all the rubberbands? eek ) Since my quota was filled, I took a well-deserved afternoon off. Who needs to go to elf choir practice? Pffft. I have an excellent singing voice already. Par Rum Pum Pum Pum! And Mrs. Claus' auditorium address was more of the same 'Santa Claus is coming to town' drivel, no doubt. Skip it!

I asked Prancer if he wanted to go with me to a fun party in the back room of Gambino's Gold Rush.

"There will be lots of free vegie rollups, Prancer! And we are gonna playing black-jack, so you don't have to hold the cards with your hooves. In fact, you don't have to sit in on the game at all. I will teach you how to count cards and you signal me. How about that? That would be fun, right?"

But Prancer declined and made some horrible joke about how he only goes to 'stag parties'. He laughed for 15 minutes. I was not amused. I hope he doesn't try to upstage me by telling a bunch of lame knock-knock jokes on stage during my chicken tranformation act. I think I liked it better when reindeer couldn't talk.

The party was fun last night, but I lost over 500 gold. I need a playing partner to help neutralize the odds a bit. Time for another fun day at the factory! Too bad they pay us in sugar-plums and peppermint sticks here at the north pole. Ever try to exchange a sack of candy for a stack of chips at a casino? Fortunately, I know Lex personally, so he can hook me up.  

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Thursday, November 17th, 2005 8:20 AM

"In the meadow we can build a snowman ... "
Hah! Who says I have a bad singing voice?
"And pretend that he is Parson Broooown ....".
Not bad. Not bad at all! Oops. Elftech571 is telling me to keep quiet again. He wouldn't know good singing if it reached out and bit him on his well-toned Heine-kin.

Yesterday I got my new job assignment. No more etch-a-sketches for me! Elftech247 assigned me to working on moonshoes. Well, actually, he thinks he assigned me to work on a new CoKi Kitty utility belt and other CoKi kitty accessories.
"hey, wanna see a cool card trick?", I asked him. "pick a card, any card ... "
"look, I am really busy here. No time for games".
"just pick a card. It will only take a second", I cajoled him, with a close eye on the stack of work orders on his desk. Time to pull a switch ...

Elftech247 seemed annoyed, but took a card.
"Now what I want you to do, is memorize your card." I kept up the magician's patter, while shuffling the deck. " You have it in your mind? Don't forget it now!" I spread out the cards in a fan on his desk. "Now place your card back in the deck. You remember your card, right? Keep it fresh in your mind. I need you to really concentrate on the number so the telepathy will work."
When I picked the cards back up and began shuffling, my work order was in my pocket, along with the one for Elftech003. Moonshoes shoes, eh? That shouldn't be any trouble at all! Especially when Elftech003 does all my work, and completely forgets to work on her own project ... the utility belt. She's just so absent minded, i guess. hehe.
"Now, Elftech247, I want you to multiply the number in your head times 2000, then add 44 ... then divide that number by your original number --"

"I don't have time for this! Get back to work!" Elftech247 seemed a bit distracted. "I have to go check on what those other Elftechs are up to. I have no idea how you manage to keep up your quotas for toy production when all you seem to do is play cards and talk!" He ushered my out of his office, but as soon as he was down the hallway, I doubled back and replaced the work-orders with 'new and improved' assignments.  

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Friday, November 18th, 2005 7:20 PM

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane.
( dum dee dum dum )

Vixen, Blitzen, all his reindeer
Pulling on the reins.
( baa daa daa daaa )

Bells are ringing, children singing,
All is merry and bright.
Hang your stockings and say a prayer,
Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

What a magnificent singing voice I have! Villiam Hung can't hold a candle to me! I think I missed my true calling.

I am practicing some classic card tricks for my act: the traveling ace, grunny's rising card, gypsy's curse, invisible deck. Gotta keep my chops sharp. I tried a few out on some of the techs and seem to be creating quite a gathering every day at lunch. Elftech101 is especially fond of the Rising Grunny.
Afterwards I gave them all a very moving rendition of "Baby it's Cold Outside". I offered to sing them a few more, but they all said they had to get back to work right away. I guess my excellent toy production on the moonshoes is putting them all to shame ( Elftech003 is doing a smashing good job for me on the moonshoes!) ninja
I didn't want them to feel bad so I decided to cut back a little and took another nap underneath my workbench. The late night at Gambino's Gold Rush with Prancer really took it out of me. That deer can't count cards worth a darn! I lost 1800 gold because of that knuckle-head.
Fortunately, I will be making it all back on my magic act in a few days. Many people seem very eager to see The Amusing Elf as I will now be called. ( I can't use The Amazing Elf anymore. I have recieved several disturbing PMs threatening to blackmail me. ) Anyways, the act should go over very well. I very generously only charging 1500 gold per entry.
I also got several suggestions on how to turn Prancer into a rubber chicken. I guess every the Gaian thinks a magic wand is all it takes to be the world's greatest magician. It's called showmanship people! After all, who came up with the idea to turn Prancer into a rubber chicken in the first place?  

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Sunday, November 20th, 2005 1:20 PM

On Friday morning, Elftech247 told me I needed to work on Saturday and Sunday.
"Since you have been doing such a great job on the moonshoes, maybe you could give Elftech003 a hand with all the CoKi Kitty utility belts. She seems to have fallen behind .... "

"But it is the weekend!" I complained.

"Since when do elves mind working on the weekend? We love making toys!"

At work, I told Elftech003, "It seems 247 has been impressed by all the moonshoes you made and wants you to take on the CoKi Kitty utility belts as well. I will be practicing some new tricks at my workbench, if you need me ..."

Yesterday, I went to work, but I was not in a holly jolly mood. Elftech003 seemed more than happy to make the CoKi Kitty items, so who am I to deprive her? I decided to work on a new song as well for my act. I might even make a music recording or two.


Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Coming home from our house Christmas Eve.
You may say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe


When I looked over at Elftech003 to see if she was enjoying my singing, she had a pair of oversized earmuffs on. Well, she'll just have to hear my performance in a few days, I guess.

Meanwhile, I have received many complaints about my new stage name. They seem to think The Amusing Elf makes me sound like a sideshow joke and not very impressive at all. I am thinking about several new ideas for a stage name, but I don't have much time before the show .... Some of the top ideas are: The Astounding Elf, The Great Elfini, or my personal favorite, The Magical Elf. Still trying to decide.  

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Monday, November 21st, 2005 5:50 PM

Mrs. Claus called me into her office this morning. I knew the jig was up.
"I have over 150 hours of security camera footage recording your antics here at work," Mrs Claus said. "I was unable to find even ONE HOUR when you were actually doing work of any kind! You play cards, you sing ( off key, I might add ) and spend all of your time chatting it up with friends and playing blackjack with the reindeer!"

Mrs. Claus was more than a little upset. She seemed furious. I tried to mount a defense ... "Well, you see--"

"Silence! If you think you can get away with this, think again! I am ashamed of you!" Mrs. Claus scolded. "Now, here is a scrub-brush. I want you to scrub the floors of all the facilities on your hands an knees. Do an extra good job! I want that floor to be spotless. I am giving all of the credit for the moonshoes and the CoKi Kitty utility belt to Elftech003. If elves could be on the 'naughty-list' you would be at the very top!"


So here I am today, scrubbing the floors. I try to practice my songs, but all that comes out is:

"She sees you when you're sleeping,
She knows when you're awake,
She knows if you've been bad or good,
so be good for goodness sake!"


Santa may see everything, but he's nothing compared to Mrs. Claus. She misses nothing, that eagle-eyed hawk. I know hawks do not have eagle-eyes. They have hawk-eyes. But it doesn't sound as good saying 'eagle-eyed eagle' or 'hawk-eyed hawk'. Cut me some slack.

If I didn't have my upcoming magic show, I would be really depressed, but all I can think about is my tiny elf costume lit up in all its glory beneath the glorious stage lights. The Amusing Elf will rise again!


P.S. I decided to stick with the stage name: The Amusing Elf. I don't care what people say. My work speaks for itself.  

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005 4:10 PM

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones i used to know ....

Even the sound of my own beautiful voice cannot cheer me up today. Mrs. Claus will not let me leave the facility anymore.
"I want to keep an eye on you at all times! You will scrub those floors from 4 AM to 11 PM each day," she said. "The rest of the time you will spend in this storage closet!""
She had a cot set up for me in the closet. I did not get much sleep last night. I keep imagining spiders crawling over me in the dark.

On an interesting sidenote, I was scrubbing the floors late at night and heard some strange noises coming from deep inside the facility. I went to investigate, but found the door had been locked up exiting my floor. Very curious indeed! Sometimes I get the feeling that all the elves are all suspicious about something, but I can't tell what. No matter. I have more important things on my mind.

I think my magic skills are getting rusty. crying I tried to show a new trick to Elftech003 during the lunch hour today, but she was completely un-impressed. I even offered to let her be the first one to see me turn Prancer into a rubber chicken. It was as if she didn't even hear me. She took a lot of food from the cafeteria and stuffed it into her pockets and into a napsack. She must have the munchies in a bad way ....

If Mrs. Claus doesn't let up soon, I may have to postpone my magic show. If only I could get a petition signed to get Mrs. Claus to let me off for an evening ...  

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Monday, November 28th, 2005 6:30 AM

Oh journal, how I have neglected you! I have been busy scrubbing floors. All this manual labor is quite a new thing for me. Some fans sent me some gloves so my fingers would not bleed ... You'd think they would just offer to scrub the floors for me, wouldn't you? But, I feel this whole thing has been quite a learning experience for me ... I've learned the value of an honest day's work. And the value of an honest day's work is ... NOTHING. No more manual labor for me. Time to turn up the charm and make Mrs. Claus see the value of me. Time to work a little magic. Fortunately, some of my friends sent me chocolate to cheer me up. I much prefer peppermint, but it got me to thinking. Mrs. Claus looks like the kind of person who might enjoy a sweet or two, but would never admit it. I hatched a plan.

I collected my heart-shaped chocolate boxes from my fans, seven in all, and carried them over to Mrs. Claus.

"I heard the big man Mr. Claus is not feeling so well, and I thought these chocolates might cheer him up. Could you see that he gets them? Also take a few for yourself. You have been working SO hard this Christmas ... you really deserve something special." I handed her the stack of chocolates. "And these flowers are for you. Oh, look how they compliment the color of your eyes! Breath-taking, really."

Mrs. Claus accepted the flowers with the first smile I have seen on her face since I started working here. She took one of the boxes of chocolate from the stack. "Well, maybe just a nibble, I am trying to watch my figure."

"And a lovely figure you have, Mrs. Claus. Tell me, do you take ballet? You look so youthful and slender ... "

"Elftech722, I never knew you could be so thoughtful!" Mrs. Claus blushed as she opened the box. "What is this lacy 'unmentionable' item doing in a box of chocolate?! What is the idea? 'To Elftech722, with love' ... What?!!"

"I have no idea how those got in there. Here you can just hand those to me ... " I snatched them from her fingers. "A mistake in the manufacturing plant, no doubt. Look, I collected thousands of signatures from all over the world. See! Here you go. All the good boys and girls want Santa to get better! I called all of my friends together ... we thought a little Christmas cheer would help Santa out this year. In fact, I composed a song special for this occasion and I would like to sing it to him."

"Well, this is all very nice, 722. I can't quite make out the message at the top of these signatures. Looks like someone tried to cross something out -- '_______Elftech722 Petition~ [Endorsed by the elf himself!]'. What does that mean?"

"Oh, it just means that I signed the get-well card too, along with all my fans. I mean Santa's fans. I mean the children. All the good little children."

Mrs. Claus thoughtfully nibbled her way through a second box of chocolate. "You know, maybe I have been too harsh with you. You aren't such a bad little elf after all. Just a little mischievous. What you need is a job that will keep you out of trouble."

"I agree! Absolutely. A job in upper management might be just the thing. Set me off on the right foot. You know, Mrs. Claus, have I ever mentioned how those glasses accentuate the lovely shape of your face. You have the very figure of an angel --"

"Actually, what I had in mind may be a little more fun for you than a boring job behind a desk." Mrs. Claus had a little twinkle in her eyes. "I heard you are a practitioner of illusions -- a magician of sorts. I thought you might like to work on a special project for me. But I need you to keep this under terms of absolute secrecy. Can you do that?"

"Of course Mrs. Claus. You can count on me!" I couldn't believe my good luck.

"Great! You start first thing tomorrow. And bring Prancer with you."

"Mrs. Claus, I will be putting on a magic show some time later on this week and I thought you might like to come and watch." If I include her, she'll have to let me do the show, right? "I have a special seat in the front row just for you and Mr. Claus. Guests of Honor. So I'll see you Wednesday night! Bye, bye, now!"

"Magic show?" Mrs. Claus paused mid-bite on a caramel chew as she opened a third box of chocolate. "Oh no! You will be much too busy for that. You will have to postpone it until after Christmas."  

[[NPC] ElfTech722]

Wednesday, November 30th, 2005 6:20 AM

Locked here in the closet I await sunrise ... Just me and the spiders.

My last privilege has been revoked. S Corp blocked me from reading my fanmail. crying Cut off from the world, I find existence here to be monotonous and dreary. The idea of working on a top-secret project is starting to lose its appeal. I mean, it sounds like actual work! I might actually have to do stuff. Scrubbing floors was bad, but what if this new position is even worse? Mrs. Claus is sure to find out I am a fraud. I have no skills in toy making of any kind. What does she want me to make? She said something about magic. A magician's starter kit? A book revealing all my magical illusions? This could be disastrous!

My final magical performance here at S Corp will be a disappearing act. Let's just hope I can make it out alive ... You may try to bring me down, but The Amusing Elf will rise again! The bonds that shackle me shall no longer ---


We regret to inform you that the journal of ElfTech722 has been sealed due to a security compromise. Please do not attempt to contact him through this address any further. Thank you for your cooperation.

-S CORP
"Making Christmas..."