Shadows Journal

[Shadowcat_Yami]

Still pissed about what happened at work... really want that hermes moon thing.... also... went job hunting today cause i need more monies... and now i have a headache and feel like im gonna puke.... light hurts my head  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

still no luck finding a job... went walking with a friend tonight... exercise is good... 2 miles today... tomorrow going on a 6 mile hike... not so sure about alot of stuff... still really doubting myself about my rp skills. wondering abotu alot right now... feeling really lonely  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

*sighs* things are never easy are they.... the dude i sorta like said or so he said it was teasng called me a whiner... but... now i wonder if maybe i rely on my friends to much.... i rant when im upset and maybe.... thats whats causing problems in the relationship. Guess i just need to go back to how i wasbefore... keep it all to myself and never talk about it. Seems like maybe thats all the problems... well... thats it i guess... no more tlaking about my problems... i guess here is safe since little ot no one looks on here..  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

OMG im so pissed..... like when i walked in the door and told my mom every other word was a curse word.... ok so everyone at my work plays with their cell... some answer with customers there the new dude still hates me
tonight him and hte assistant manager went in the back room after a showtime and she came out and started on my casetelling me that my cell has otbe in the back room and not out with me texting inbetween showtimes. Which is a load of bs cause i check it but dont text inbetween customers lie she said. she said i could get mad all i want so i asked if she was gonna tell everyone that and she had the ******** nerve to say i was hte only one who did it. i got PISSED
i told her that wasnt true that ALOT of ppl did that. so she went to her FRIEND that works with her the otehr one not hte new one. He said it was ept in his car which i know is a fuking lie how do i know?
the whole reason for toinight. My best friend texted me for a friend of his number (one that lied) and so when he came in i asked if he had it. he puled his cell otu of his pocket and gave me the number. that was whne i texted ot to her. SHe said it was REALLY important and it was abotu her husband. i was worried so i kept my phone close incase something was happening to her. her husband or her kinds my godsons.
my sister, the other assistant manager, her best friend, the one who lied... the new guy ive seen his out... and even the gen manager has had his out before. hell the one who bitched at me is on the THEATRE work phone talking to ppl all the ******** time. I so badly want revenge... im so pissed.  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

OK so after ranting to my mom, my lder sister and my bestfirend i consider a sister i have come to a conclusion. I am gonna call places ive put in an application, find another job, stay working at the teatre until i find the new job is stable. THan im quitting, and contacting the BBB and corp about all this s**t, its ridiculous that ppl can pick on me like that.
well i tried starting a journal in another guild but that didnt work out... whats it coming to where you cant name a journal something and it be denied to be a journal.
So update here... not that anyone reads this
My oldest sister is prego... goodness this is gonna be a long post.
Sister got heart broken by the ex and now she thinks or is prego, which she is thinking of getting a abortion(which i dont believe in) and i also swore id disown or never tal ko someone i knew that got one... so im REALLY stressed.... anyway last two times she thought she was prego it didnt develop all the way i know she is scared because of that but i swear... im almost possitive that ex was shooting blanks... and his supposed son isnt his. cause my sister has 2 kids already she can have kids...
right so now im overly sressed hardlyanyone is talkign to me.
the guy i sorta LIKE is sick... well he says... i stopped being he one to message anyone first from now on... took him 2 days to message me... than another night to get bakc to me. He has been so distant and it hurts.. we used to do little thigns like kiss and say i love you, rp style say goodnight and cuddle... but now... he isnt doing those things back... and i keep wondering if he hasnt gotten tired of me... i expect i to happen bacause no guy in his right mind would want me. im abit tubby, average looking.... i come with so much emotional baggage... *sighs* so now im in my room, unable to sleep fighting tears and the depressed feeling i have, wih a frind trying to say he will make me open upo to him.  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

well.... seems my so called friend has it all figured out. im ignroed because im depressing... no one wants to be around me because my being depressed makes them depressed.... its all my fault no one wants to be around me. Well this will be my last journal entry... i should have never started posting my houghts and feelings, never told them to anyone. I wish i had never joined gaia.... well im sorry for burdening everyone with all this crap i dealwith. im done talking... now time to decide if gaia is even worth it anymore. well possibly bye. shadow  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

Im so confused right now... i have snapped where most ppl... i dont give a s**t about what they say or think...minus paniced moments of nervous ness. But yet.... somehow he... him.... he can make me care. I care what he thinks... to where i feel upset at teh what ifs.... he makes me feel so good about myself... breakign that funhouse mirror i used to view myself in. He makes me... want to be better in skill and in his eyes. He pts up with all my flaws... and emotional baggage.... he is just an online boyyfriend but he is there to let me cry and talk out all my problems... becoming my rock. i always expected it to end and for me to hurt alittle but move on but.... im falling in love... deeply...... and it scares me. i dont want ot be hurt again but.... i ont want to lose him.  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

i cant take this crap anymore.... my sister acts like she would prefer if i just didnt come home from work.... jujst so she can be on my computer. Makes me feel even worse that i already do.... i just cant manage my stress anymore.... i need a vacation.
Ok so im about to lose it, my sister is pissing me off.
ok so my oldest sister is prego, the father is a p***k and kicking her out cause she wont do what he says. SO i get to hear al lteh stress, my other older sister fights with her husband and her 4 year old son is a butt, my younger sister is a b***h and cause the internet dsed on her and than she couldnt talk to her friend she is being a b***h,
today is mothersday and i worked til 5 we were supposed to be going on but my mom worked and was to tired to so now im pissed and havnet eaten much at all... im to upset and pissed.... i cant even thin of eating and i feel sick. the more i hear her talking the more iwish i had never introdued her to gaia cause some suicidal pertson is maiking her flip out.
my romance life sucks... i thin he lost interest and it hutrs. he hardlt even talks to me and i feel so low now. i feel worthless... he actually made me feel good about myself... i dont blame him... i have alot of emotional baggage. wor sucks i worked friday 3-11, sat12-11, sun12-5. mon 3-8, thurs3-7ish so i work ALOT... so im gonna be tired and sore. my legs are sore ankle swollen... yet i still was willing ot try and go out. im so pissed... ******** this im not even offering again. dont care abot uwhat... no more will i nbe willing to do a shopping run when mom doesnt eel like it and i worked.  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

and now for love complaining.... the guy i like is losing interest i swear he is and i hate to admit it... but it has me crying. I hate falling for people because this always happens. Damn it all why couldnt i just hide my heart from everyone. i only cry late at night so my mom and sister wont know i do it. work sucks... iron man 2... so tired and sore... i miss how it used to be with him... and now im heartbroken. just waiting for him to tell me its over. i even told him how i felt... but he said he wasnt losing interest... than why is he hardly talking to me... saying he need to do youth group stuff yet being on gaia rping in forums? or saying he is tired yet on gaia or face book like a other hour after he says it?  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

ok so sat i was drinking yes, my sister who i work with was sick and couldnt come in. i think it was her blood pressure and she is more upset than she acts about losing her baby. well two co workers brittany and G were texting her saying she ******** everyone over adn she was lame for this... but texted more than that. told her i was working for brittany and so i couldnt work for her. not done sothat dragged me into it, brittany and one assistant manager shirley dont like risa, used to be friends big fall out after she moved out of shirs sisters house. well they were telling her she had been fired for that, when in reality she wasnt even needed on saturday. than sunday cameshe lives in stjames at curretn and well her ride never showed up, so she couldnt come in but she was talkign to me through text. shirley and brittany were runign their mouths, thought about texting her but siad she would tell dale they were harassing herr...beingbitches... well i was working with her to find her a ride but she couldnt find one.
they got ahold of the manager dale and he told them to find someone to replace her all week... they acted like she was fired... i was pissed and tried pleading her case about what they were saying and they got pissy... well i learnt something abotu grady that will tie into hte next thing. today i came to work early to talk to dale. i had came in to the concession being horrible, butter in sink, streeaky wndows on popcorn machine, nothing being restocked ect amd was tired of it so i wanted to have a talk to dale. and cause grady was going around work saying i was saying stuff about shirleys brother in law, and that i was the one who spread a rumor he was living with nikki and i sent his wife a text saying he was cheating on her. thus breaking them up which i did not do and wanted to tell dale to make him stop the unprofessional s**t at a work... well the first words out of dales mouth when i got ther was " we need to do somethign abotu you adn grady. he said you stold 20 dollars to make him short and get fired" my mouth dropped open and i was shocked and pissed so badly. i had never stolen a thing. apparently he had been going around asking what to do if he thought i was stealing money and dale said ahve proof. so anyway i went into dales office nad had a long chat, told him how bad G had been doing at work, how i was tired of him spreading lies and that this was pushing it. explained i would never do such a underhanded thign and even the other assintant manager who is gradys friend said that isnt something i would do. i told dale i do my damn job and do it well, that in the 4 years i worked ther i was never short... he even admited if i was it ewas a few cents and never more than a dollar. he said he wants to get us both in a room adm talk it out but he believes me. he took the draw key of the concession key ring said ppl stay on their own drawers and when ppl leave for day or break ahe tee drawer counted which i will do so he cant say that anymore. i was so PISSED by this... i did tell dale all hte stuff with my sis and she isnt fired but being wrote up and suspended for the week... so yeah thats why im stressed  

[Shadowcat_Yami]

Its so funny how the past seems to repeat its self. i thought this next couple of weeks would be amazing and great since the niece and nephue i hadnt seen in over a year were down. but no.... its turned into a heartbreaking night mare for me, my younger sister and mother... as well as the dear nieces and nephues who are hurting because of this. i suppose starting at the beginning would be a great thing ot do.
see risa went otget them and for teh first 3 days it was good, got to spend time with rhondas kids and risas.
ok nell was coming back to rhondas apt to play harry potter with niece taylor -11- but risa wanted her ringtones so tay and i were playing nell got jealous... arguement... nell took off walking... i was upset by somethign rR said so i left... nell refused to walk home so i took off after her and called risa who told rhonda. they stupidly sent Rhondas husband who has the social skills of a monkey
he just went ahead and drove off as i tried to coax her home. see nell felt unwelcomed for another reason. and so i got her to come back and called risa to come outside so i could talk to her about it than risa told me rhonda was fighting with dennis cause he said we arent allowed over there anymore. and so i hung up and told nell so we just wlked home. me in tears sobbing. so than we told mom. dennis texted me this:
You 2 stay away from my house or youll be sorry.
My reply: go to hell jackass, leaveme alone. oh and you better watch ur threats, dont text me ever again,
he replied back calling me a retarded b***h and c**t... some otehr stuff and saying ti was my fault. I called risa back btu she called back... told her to tell ari and cal that we love them and hope some day they can understand why we cant be apart of their live and make sure they know htey are loved. nad told htem nell left cause they all made her feel unwanted and said goodbye nad to tell tay and lan the same. it shouldnt hurt this much.... its the same thing that happened with tay and lan growing up... but... this time in the same town. so the last time ill see arianna is today feeding her a bottle and mashpotatos.... calvin playing transformers....