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Hello, Yu Yu fans!

Well, I'm in a bit of a dilemma here and I'm sad to say its fan fic related...

Keeping characters in character fan fic related. =/

Well, anywho, so my fan fic is pretty much following the Yu Yu storyline, so the same basic events happen, with addition to my OC's events that don't really affect the other characters. So basically, my OC, Sachiko, entered the story to assist Yusuke in capturing Gouki, Hiei, and Kurama after they robbed the three artifacts (the Orb of Baaz, Forlorn Hope, and one sword thingey, according English dub.) She's all ready on friendly terms with Kurama, and all ready has earned a bit of respect because of her care for Shiori. She knows Kuwabara only by rep, but she later heals him after his fight with Byaako. Yusuke, is er, Yusuke. She's on good terms with him though, laughs at all his jokes, yadi yada. Then she hasn't really earned Hiei's respect yet, since she didn't fight him when Yusuke stole the sword back...up until MAYBE now.

Kay, so they're at the Four Saint Beasts castle and its when Seiryu the Dragon guy freezes Byaako. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6ID_pSF4kc) This is pretty much the scene I have so far.

Sachiko (had been going through an internal battle whether to heal Byaako or not and was about to when Seiryu froze him): (shocked, then angry) "How could you DO that?! He was your friend! Your COMRADE! And, even..." (voice cracking) "Even if you don't believe in friends, he was still defenseless! And you just KILLED him! You don't DO that! You don't KILL someone while they're down! You just DON'T!"
Kurama: (angry) "This race of beast has no loyalty. Alliances are formed strictly to gain more power."
Yusuke: (angry) (mutters) "You heartless b*****d."
Sachiko: (tears of rage beginning to fall and trying to contain her quiet sobs)
Seiryu: (grinning) "You, little girl. If you feel so strongly about this why don't you defend it? Come! Fight me! Prove that you're way is stronger than mine. That those dishonorable tears aren't a sign of WEAKNESS."
(Sachiko in back of group, so Kurama, Kuwabara, and Yusuke only now notice that she's sobbing. Hiei was near the back, so he'd already noticed, but just done nothing.)
Sachiko: (sobbing louder now because she knows she can't fight him and feels afraid and embarrassed. She's one of those people that only select people have seen her cry, which doesn't include the guys)
Kuwabara: "Do you have no honor?! How dare you speak that way to a woman in tears!" (walks over to Sachiko) "Are you all right, Sachiko?"
Sachiko: (doesn't answer, but tries really hard to quiet down)
Yusuke: (head down and fists clenched and shaking) "This guy's pushed me too far...." (looks up with a death glare.) "He's dead!"


Okay, sorry bout that long rant, but anywho. So here I was planning to continue with the scene and have Hiei step in and be like "No save you're anger."

But a few things.

1) Were my group's responses characteristic? For example, would Kuwabara really go to help Sachiko? Would Hiei really have NO reaction to Sachiko's tears (this could also mean no glare or anything.)

2) What the hell is KURAMA supposed to do?! This is what I had trouble with while writing the scene. Would Kurama be more preoccupied with softening to Sachiko, or being angry towards Seiryu? We all know Yusuke's reaction, but Kurama's hard to predict... =/

and 3) Would Hiei respect Sachiko's tears? I know that's and somewhat of an oxymoron but she DID pretty much just shout at least PART of his complex honor code at Seiryu, and we know the reason Hiei fights against Seiryu is BECAUSE he violated that honor code. So would Hiei give some sort of reassurance to Sachiko before or after the battle? He DID have no respect for her before and knew she couldn't fight for crap, but she shares some of his morals, so would that affect him in anyway, all though she expresses it in tears?


Sorry for the length of my rant, but as you can see, I really need your help. sweatdrop crying

Thank you! 3nodding

Well, I will help as much as I can... I have been trying myself to work on an in character piece of fanfiction for Yu Yu Hakusho, although my fanfic is a slash fic between Kurama and Hiei sweatdrop However that is beside the point.

First things first... So far the original scene looks okay, you kept up to that well, and obviously refered back to the anime for it, you have to keep one thing in mind though, the guys are all angry at Seiryu. At that point all of their attention and all of their anger is focused on the disrespectful scene they have just witnessed. I think it would take from the original intent of the story line for them to be distracted by your character, and ask if she is okay. Also, if you distract the team with her tears before they engage Seiryu in battle you heavily run the risk of having Sachiko being labled a Mary Sue.

If anything I think the battle would play out as in the normal scene and only after Seiryu was defeated would the team ask if Sachiko was okay. Even then, it would likely only be Kuwabara and Yusuke who really showed any concerne for her. Kuwabara, after the battle, would definitely go up to her, perhaps touch her shoulder and ask her if she were okay. Kuwabara is very chivalrous towards women and cannot bear to see a woman cry, however when there is a task that needs to be done, he makes sure that is completed first, so I don't think he would interrupt the battle mood by asking her then, he would only do it when it was all over. Yusuke would show concerne, just not as much he would give a non-chalant, "hey, are you okay?" but then move on with the mission. When it comes to Kurama and Hiei you have to be a little careful. In Hiei's case he was very quiet after defeating Seiryu. Hiei would likely remain quiet, wait for the other's to see if she is okay, and then follow quietly when they started moving on again. Don't do too much to change his character for Sachiko, because I promise, people will rip you too shreds when reviewing your fic, she'll be a Mary Sue before you even have time to blink. Kurama as well would put protocol over any feelings he might have for her. His words would be brief and even then they would only likely tell the other team members to make haste and defeat Suzaku before it was too late. If you wanted Sachiko and him to have a tender moment or anything like that, it would be best to make it a private thing after they return from defeating the Four Saint Beasts.

Now the reason I warn you so much about having the characters fawn over her and worry about her is because I have experience with this kind of fan fic. About six years ago I wrote a fan fic much like this, where I inserted an OC into the Gundam Wing Universe and just wrote her into the existing story line... I took the fic down almost as fast as I put it up because I had people left and right ripping into me in reviews calling my OC a Mary Sue and the whole fic a piece of garbage. So make sure that Sachiko has some pretty obvious flaws, if she's too perfect people won't be able to relate to her and they will resent her as a character.

I don't know if you are going to be writing this in script format either, or if you just did that to show us what each character will be doing. However, I should let you know that script fics can be hard to pull off well, if you can work the fic into normal format and describe actions and speech in story format, the reader will find it easier to follow. It's just a small suggestion I have for you. As an avid fanfic writer and BETA reader I have come to learn quickly what works and what doesn't.

I hope that helps, wish you luck and happy writing!

I agree with her about Kurama, he is the kind of person who would observe his surroundings, but not one to let them distract him.

Now, while it is true that Hiei cannot stand signs of weakness I still don't think he would call her on it. However I don't think Hiei would call her on it after a fight like that. You see at that point Hiei had also shown almost a sign of weakness, I think he would just want to get on with it, so once everyone make sure Sachiko was okay, he would move on with out a word.

Other than that things look like they could be okay.

Without reading the posts by others here, this is what I have to say. Yusuke is fine. Kuwabara seems a LITTLE too compassionate...he's very much so, but I don't know if he would be so weak (can't think of a proper term. Whipped? Pathetic?) as to actively go over and comfort her, especially when Seiryu really didn't do anything to her. I would expect him to be more angry about Sachiko fighting Seiryu than anything.
Seiryu, to my utter delight, was fantastic.

As for Hiei and Kurama. No, Hiei wouldn't care about her crying. It might possibly annoy him somewhat. As for her voicing the same opinion that he has, it might surprise him a bit, but I don't think that it would instantly make him more interested or respectful of her. It takes more than that, I think.

(How could you do that? Well, he began to respect Yusuke after Yusuke trusted him completely. Hiei is the kind of person who has never been depended on and he has never depended on anyone else. Finding some way to illustrate her trust and respect for him might help.)

As for Kurama, I do not think that he would comfort her; I think that he would probably just stand there being angry and observing the situation. For some reason, he always struck me as the type to stand still and clench his fists when someone else is crying.

Now, for the cutting. (I hope that Sachiko isn't a Mary-Sue, I really do, because there is potential here.) It depends on the circumstances. If it's the whiny emo type, then I assume that Hiei would be disgusted, Kurama would probably feel some pity for her but would also be more or less disappointed, and Kuwabara would probably be loudly upset.

Yusuke, by far, would be the most moved. I think that he has a true passion for life, and he can't accept people who want to die or hurt themselves. He would probably yell at her or shake her around, depending on how he found out about it.

Yes, I think that would probably be something that Kuwabara might do. I can hear the yelling now. ^^



^^ It's really hard to keep main characters in-character, but often it's even harder to do characters who are only seen for one episode. I think you captured him very well.



Well, the difference, I think, between a Mary-Sue and a person who actively cuts probably is in the fact that you are portraying it as a disease. From my experience, Mary-Sues tend to be opportunistic in that they cut themselves when they feel angst and generally it is one of the first times that they have done so. Like, Hiei won't kiss her, so she feels the need to make herself bleed. stare If you treat it like a disorder, then I don't think it will be so bad.



If you don't mind, would you post this section of the story here as well? The only reason I ask is because I am going to assume that Kurama mentions to the others that she has a self-induced scar (because I'm sure Kurama could tell the difference) when I actually don't think that Kurama would be the type to broadcast that. If you've got it worked out to where Yusuke or Kuwabara sees on accident, then that's fine, but I'm pretty sure that if Kurama sees her scars, he won't say anything out loud; he'll either confront her (calmly and rationally) later or he will mention it subtly when she is no longer present.

As for her explaining, yes, that sounds very good. It's better than, "SHUT UP YOU DON'T KNOW ME I JUST WANT TO DIE WAH," which is what most Mary-Sues would do. Especially if she's very rational about it.



I think it depends on how much time this girl and Hiei have spent together and how much tension there is and exactly what he thinks of her. On the one hand, Hiei would probably be very disgusted and, if he truly cared for her at that point, would probably at least try to involve Kurama in the ordeal. If not, then he would probably overlook it and consider it to not be his business.
Yusuke, definitely, would yell at her and probably tell the others in the process.

As for which one would be less Mary-Sue-ish, I think the first option is probably better. In that way it's not that she was actively trying to get attention (which might be construed through the second option) and she is able to rationally explain her choices. In the other form, it kinda makes the whole thing seem more cliché, you know?

Hey, no problem. I completely understand. I'm very guilty of the same habit...plus it takes me forever to write. ^^



If that's then case, then I think that, if there is enough time between when he first begins to see her in another light and when this event occurs, then he probably would get at least Kurama to hear about it. I say that time needs to pass because Hiei is fairly stubborn, and I don't think that one or two conversations with her like that would change his opinion so quickly. But if you do it so that they've known each other that way for a while, then I think it will work out okay.



Hey, don't worry about it. You don't have to be too upset with yourself; it isn't the worst mistake someone could make. (Believe me, my first OC was the worst Mary-Sue in the history of the world. Seriously.)

The solution of Shizuru's, I think, is brilliant. I mean, on the one hand it kind of seems like just allowing her to continue the cycle but on a less dangerous level, but on the other it might be that cutting hair can be therapeutic.

I understand why everyone needs to know now, or at least why Shizuru has to find out through a chain of people. In that case, there are a few different ways you could go about it; Kuwabara overhears Sachiko and Kurama or Hiei arguing about it or something, and tells Shizuru offhandedly. Or maybe they all find out. Or perhaps Shizuru is the one to find her.

I don't know that Kurama would be biased, but you're right in that I doubt that he would think of that solution. (I didn't. Then again, he's smarter than me, but...) I still see why it's necessary for Shizuru to find out though. There's just a world of possible ways for her to do so. ^^

I'm glad to be of service. One thing to keep in mind, though, is that the DT took place over the course of only a week, so even that might not be enough. But adding her into the two month's training session beforehand might do it.



I think that it would make sense that Kurama, Hiei, Kuwabara, Shizuru and Sachiko are the only ones who know about it. In that way it bonds them, and gives them common ground.

I don't know if it would make a lot of sense to tell Yusuke, given how obstinate he can be, and the fact that it might make her act out more, depending on the circumstances. The only reason that they would tell Yusuke is if they were seriously worried about her health and thought that he was the only one who could help her.

When I help people with stories, I think it's only fair/polite to know the name of the MC. ^^

Depends on how they find out, for me. Are you saying if they actually saw a man hit his wife/girlfriend? Oh dear lord.

Kuwabara: He'd be furious, and probably challenge the guy to a fighting match right then and there. Seriously, he thinks it's wrong to fight a girl in a fair setting, so he'd probably be utterly disgusted, whether he knew the girl or not. If he knew her he'd probably be even angrier, though, especially if they were friends.

Yusuke: I think he would definitely think it was wrong. He'd probably walk up to the guy and punch him in the face, then walk off without saying anything. I don't know that he would lose his cool, seeing as he doesn't know the girl. If he did, he might get angry with her later for not telling him or for putting up with it. It would be a concerned anger though, you know?

Kurama: I can just see the look of utter disgust flitting across his face. I'm not sure whether he would act...actually, scratch that. Remember when he threatens Kaito in the house of four dimensions, and he says something like, "If you so much as bruise what's in your hand I'll show you pain"?

I think that cold, utterly fear-inducing expression and tone of voice would be his and he'd tell the guy to leave her alone, ESPECIALLY if he knew the girl. I doubt that he would kill the guy, unless the guy was trying to kill her (or was a demon) but he wouldn't be happy, I can say that for sure.

Hiei: Oh my. Well, it's hard to know exactly what he would think of it, given how little we know of demons. Is it okay for a male demon to abuse his wife in the Makai? On some level I think that he might see little harm in it, given that, to him, females are weak, but in more ways I think he would be disgusted and irritated by the way the man was taking advantage of her.

(For instance, he went easy on Kuwabara when they were training for the DT because Kuwabara was weaker than he was.) So he would probably view it as a strong being picking on a weaker one. Does that mean he'd interfere?

I can't really say...It's not like him to get in the way of someone else, especially if he doesn't know her. If it was someone truly important to him, say, Yukina, he'd kill the guy in a heartbeat, unless she specifically asked him not to.


I think it might help to give more details on the situation; is it Sachiko whose boyfriend is abusing her? At what point in the story is this? How does the information come out? How exactly is he hurting her? And so on. ^^