Broken wings, broken dreams and severed hearts...

[Dream of Despair]

Sanity Has Met It's End...

So, It has come to this?

You tear at me, your words ripping deep to my core, and you laugh at me, making me feel so much more. You're gouging out my soul, and leaving me eternally scarred, and all you can seem to do is smile and move on. What are your motives? Pride? Envy? No. You have no motives, other than your selfish personality, and your angry heart. What have I done to you? Helped you when you needed help. Held you when you needed comfort. Showered you in affection to see you smile, and you do this to me. You destroy my happiness, and you do it with a smile. It's not me that's changed, honey, it's you. You're stricken with anguish that you've brought upon yourself, and your hypocricy is your downfall.

Oh? Now you want to apologize? Have you grown out of your slithering ways? Or have you just stolen someone else's spine for the evening? Pathetic! You are nothing to me now, when you were so much to me before. It's no matter though, you've taken all that was left of me, and you do not wish to give it back. You can take back all the lies, I'm done with this. I'm done with YOU, and your demonic ways. You are a vampire, sucking away my sanity, hope, hapiness and will to keep going... my will to keep pushing through all that you've thrown at me. The will to go on, even though you're crushing me, suffocating me, killing me with your deceitful ways. I could never say this before, but with the things you've done to me... it's evident.

I..

Hate...

What you've become.

You're a monster, a demon, no longer the sweet angel you once were. You can't even see it! How are you so blind?! Do you not see what you've done to me? Do you not see what you've done to yourself?! You fool! You cannot fix this now, you've done to much. You cannot heal a scar, the pain is embedded in my memories... and will continue to follow me to the grave, just like your voice.

Your smile...

Your lies!

They have drained me into nothing...

My Sanity Has Met It's End... I thank you my dear, for ruining my love for you, and destroying my happiness...  

[Dream of Despair]

My Senses Fail Me...

The air I breathe is thickening, choking my lungs and suffocating my mind. My lungs cannot take this anymore, I must find a way out. I cannot think, I cannot breathe, I cannot see, I cannot feel, my escape seems no where to be found.

These eyes, their gaze blank and sightless, search for the answers within these walls. Quickly scanning the room for some form of foothold, some kind of escape, these eyes see nothing. Their gaze is fixed on something, something that shouldn't be seen. It is the faces of those, the ones who decieved them, who decieved these eyes and tormented them into blindness. What a shame, if only they would help these eyes to see, to escape this prison, but they fade away, leaving nothing but their backs in sight. These eyes simply close themselves, shutting their lids to the world, darkening my world and leaving no light to be seen.

These ears, they hear nothing but lies! You continue to speak to me, filling me with half truths and whole lies, and these ears cannot take it. They listen, hoping to hear the answers they seek, but hear nothing but your voice, and it haunts them so. They can't seem to concentrate on what needs to be heard, your voice blocks out the world, and it drives me insane. The source of one of my demons, is this sound that I hear, these lies and this deceit that I hear, constantly swarming my thoughts... and these ears go deaf, never to hear your lies again!

These hands, feel the walls, searching for some escape. They feel nothing but cold, and pain surges through their veins. What is it that they are feeling? Where is the pain coming from? I cannot see what causes this pain, I cannot hear who's doing this to me, but I feel it none the less. I cannot find a way out, my hands have failed me, and they shut themselves off from the world, never to feel this cold, this pain, this anguish again.

This nose, the smell of death and decay is all around me, and I cannot seem to figure out why. What is this? I cannot see, I cannot hear, and I cannot feel what's causing all this. This smell, is all I have to tell me where I am now, and now I know what this place is. This is the hell you helped fabricate within my mind, the hell I know have to live. The hell that is my grave, and I wish to cast it out, cast out all the evil in this place. You don't even care, you keep pushing me down. Further and further I plunge into the depths of these fires, and all I have to remind me is this smell, your smell. It was once sweet and inviting, now it is rotten and foul.

This tounge, tasting all the lies you've fed me, and feeling remorse for ever caring. Is this what you wish to become of me? A shell of my former self? I have nothing, but the taste of death to comfort me as I fall deeper into the fires. You have your wish, as this tongue no longer tastes this horrible taste that you've left me with, the last of your memories has faded away. There is nothing left, but the long journey downward. It is nothing anymore anyways...

I cannot see that I'm nearing my end...
I cannot hear the horrible sounds that surround me...
I cannot feel the fires engulf my body, and burn my flesh...
I cannot smell the death around me...
I cannot taste the lies as I continue to fall...
And I am happy your memories have left me...
Glad that they have faded away...
And buried me in my new grave...

My Senses Have Failed Me...  

[Dream of Despair]

Is This Reality? Or Am I Only Dreaming...
-The killer poem :X Ended up being more of a descriptive rant about my troubles, but with some poetic moments in there ^^;-

You know, sometimes I wonder. Why does everything happen the way it does? What could I have said to make things change between people I know? Why do I never have the guts to say anything when I need to? What is it that keeps me down, holds me back and cuts me up inside every day? I have deemed myself a failure, because I can't keep a stable relationship, get a grip on life or even succeed in life. Yeah, I have my moments where everything seems to just glide so smoothly, but thats rare. I keep asking myself, 'Why me?' I keep asking, 'Where is this God that's supposed to guide me?' I keep wondering 'When is this all going to end? When will the pain and suffering stop, and when will the healing begin?'


Is this my destiny? My goal in life? To die alone, destroyed, broken and beaten? To never succeed in anything but failing? When will it end?! I cry out to the skies, hoping for this, 'god to hear me.' "Why are you doing this to me? What do you want to show me?" He doesn't answer. He never has... has he? The question comes to mind now, is this all my fault? Or is this 'God's' bidding? The question then arises, 'If you are real, why do you wish to see me hurt? Why do you cause me such pain and suffering?' The 'God' I read about in bibles was banevolent, kind and just. The one whom I'm seeing is unfair, cruel and hurtful. Or is this 'God's' bidding at all? Could this be fate? Doomed to wallow in my own failure. Or is this just my fault? Am I that bad of a person, that much of a failure, that great of a mistake? I wasn't even supposed to be born! I was an accident. Maybe that's the problem... Maybe I shouldn't be here.

Failed attempt number one. Boy, I sure to suck at suicide. Maybe there is a purpose to me being here. I mean, I can make some people smile, and I can make others laugh, but what's in it for me? Why am I always getting the short end of the stick? I make you laugh, and in return you spit on me, and beat me into nothing? I thought life worked differently. My first grade teacher always told me, "Do unto others as you would have then do unto you." That was the worst lesson I have EVER been taught, because it isn't even true in the least bit. I do unto others with kindness and sincereity, and they do unto me with much hatred and despair. It just doesn't make any sense, why does this happen?



Thought about trying attempt number two, would've failed anyways so didn't bother. So I've tried being mean to people, being cruel to them just as they were to me. Now everything seems ten times as bad, and I don't even feel remotely good about myself. I've lost weight, yeah, but I still get called fat, I still get picked on and I'm still miserable. What now? Should I try attempt number three? Maybe third time's a charm. No. That wouldn't be wise. That wouldn't bring me anything but silence, and a new home six feet in the ground. Every step I take seems to bring me farther and farther down. Maybe that's where I belong, six feet in the dirt, where it's easier for everyone to step all over me as they do now. At least then I wouldn't have to see people snickering, or feel the knives they drive deep in my back... but it isn't enough. Just the thought of all that's been done wrong makes me cringe and want vengance.



No bother with another attempt, It's clear to me that's not what I need to do. Maybe... Maybe if I find someone to comfort me, to hold and be held by, to be there for. That might help. Introducing, my girlfriend. Beautiful, smart, talented... did I mention beautiful? Well, I sure was a great boyfriend. Yeah, I was there for her, but I really had no clue what to do for her. I guess not having a car at the time kinda ruins a lot of things. That fell apart... quickly. She had already left me for her ex, whom she woudln't stop complaining to me about anyways. You women type still make no sense to me, but I can't resist you all the same. That didn't work, and only broke my heart even more than it already was.



Maybe another girl, a different one. Enter next girlfriend. She's beautiful, smart, kind, funny and outgoing. Something was just missing. It wasn't her problem either, it was mine. My mind was stuck on someone else, someone I had met before all the other girls I went after. We didn't last but a week before I called it off, and let her get on to someone better, someone worth her time. I let my mind travel to that certain girl in mind. I've known her for four years, fell absolutely in love with her after just one of those years. She was everything to me. She was perfection to me. Beautiful, Kind but not so soft it was pitiful, she could play an instrument, loved all the same music I did, and even introduced me to a great thing, Anime. I didn't have much to present to her in ways of skills, so why not learn an instrument as well? Because of her, I found my passion in music, and my love for the Piano. But that wasn't enough, she didn't even notice that I liked her.

Time warp, back to now. She finally knows I like her, and acknowleges it. But, of course, she's changed. She's not the same girl she used to be, the one I was so madly in love with. Now, she's not beaming with good... she seems tainted. I know she knows I like her, but she cannot return the feeling. Instead, she uses me, abuses me. She rends my flesh and removes my heart, and with that very knife she used to destroy me, she planted it deep within my spine. Oh the agony, the despair of it all, filling the void in my chest with anger, jealousy, sorrow. She just cannot seem to be satisfied either, going so far as to saying I'm evil towards her. I was nothing but kind to her, and she shoved it all in my face! How dare she!? But it's no matter, I may rant all I want, it won't change anything... she still hates me, and I must move on.

Who's next in line? Apparently, no one. I can't even get a hint from anyone that they like me, and when I hint... it's just terrible. So i'm back to being tormented and haunted by my past, and hated by my future. It sickens me, it sickens me so. Why is this world so... angry with me? Why can I not just find that something that will help me get along in this life? Apparently, Relationships rip at me deeper than anything, and none of them seem to work. The people I meet are either my allies, or sworn enemies with no purpose in their hateful actions towards me. It sickens me... And I cannot seem to figure out...


Is This Reality? Or Am I Only Dreaming...
Is This Fantasy? Or Am I Doomed To Be Haunted...
Tormented...
Decieved...
By Everyone And Everything In This Realm Of Despair?