[PRP] Wandering like a Ghost

[Lisirra]

Nzinga couldn't take it anymore; she couldn't breathe there in that valley where she had lived for so long. You could barely even call it living, really; she had had a few happy times there when she first arrived, pregnant and alone. She had thought she was making a new life for herself, with a home and friends and her own family to love. But her cubs had grown and left her and she had nothing left to keep her going.

The blue-jay lioness had waited for so long, hoping her two children would one day return to her. But it had been so long. Nzinga could barely even recall their faces. How horrible it was to forget what your children look like. They must be adults by now, she mused. Or dead. And either way, I'll never see them again.

Maybe it was for the best. Those two cubs were the product of a random meeting, a random male with whom she had felt loved for the first time. But of course, her hopes were not to be realized. He left her, and her children left her.

So she left the Unity Walkers. Why stay in this claustrophobic pride that held no happiness any longer? She needed to get outside and breathe. Still, it was difficult to break the ties that her heart placed on this place; she still couldn't give up the hope that even one of her children would come back someday. So for now, she stayed around the outlying jungle of the hidden pride, wandering like a ghost, without any need to be anywhere or any desire to do so.  

[Chibi Sheepcat]

Like a spider waiting on her web, Xibalba lay silently in amongst the foliage of the jungle. She had recently reunited with Utesaji, the stupid boy, and found out that he had adopted a son. Some strange white cub who looked like he had more emotional problems than the one that she owned. Normally the lioness wouldn't have cared if Utesaji brought a cub to her. Cubs were easy to mould into the perfect tools, and this little white creature could easily become one of her warriors. But there was one very large problem: Utesaji had told her that he wanted to name this cub his heir.

The very idea made the lioness scoff, golden eyes narrowing a fraction as she replayed his words in her head. He said the cub had come to him for a reason, and that he was perfect to be Utesaji's heir. No... Xibalba could not allow such a thing to happen. Who knew what lioness and lion this strange white cub came from? They could be weak or foul or of bad breeding. No, Utesaji needed a real queen. Someone to have his cubs and be under her watch. She would, of course, treat the female as if she were her own cub, provided that she kept all toes in line. And Utesaji would have a proper family and raise proper cubs. This new cub would not be the heir. She would not tolerate such disobedience from what was hers.

With a soft rumble, the lioness raised her head off of her paws, suddenly aware of the wandering blue-jay coloured lioness. Oooh, now what had we here? This one looked interesting. "Hello there! Are you lost?" Xibalba called, fixing a look of curiousity and worry on her face. It was always good to be sympathetic when meeting wanderers.  

[Lisirra]

Nzinga heard the voice but didn't recognize it for what it was; only one person had spoken to her in many months, and that had been weeks ago in the middle of the night. Then a feeling of dread sank upon her as she realized someone was speaking to her; she hated being bothered, having to interact with others. It took too much energy to put on the happy face that often was required to get them to leave her alone.

Feeling threatened, Nzinga could feel the hair on the back of her neck stick up just a bit. The lioness flashed her yellow eyes onto the stranger in almost a glare of defiance. "Leave me be," she scoffed shortly, trying to sound mean and aloof; but even she could hear the hint of despair in her own words. "I am no concern of yours."

Nzinga continued walking, determinedly, as though she had never heard the other's voice.
 

[Chibi Sheepcat]

Xibalba raised an eyebrow at the hostility, but did not take her eyes off of the lioness. This one looked distinctly troubled to her. The lioness was quite used to dealing with the naturally grumpy, Utesaji being her resident stubborn grouch. There was definitely a distinct difference between the grumpy of a grouch, and the grumpy of someone who was truly upset about something. You just had to learn to watch a little more carefully.

"It is true that you may think you are not my concern," the lioness said as she rose, moving slowly in Nzinga's direction. She had to take this steadily and calmly. It would do her no good to scare Nzinga away. "But seeing as I strive to help those in need, you do concern me." Xibalba smiled, a rather eerie expression but a smile nonetheless. "And I am concerned about your well-being."  

[Lisirra]

Nzinga scoffed at that, being naturally suspicious of strangers; but her suspicious nature was mostly geared towards males, not fellow lionesses. And she had had so little company in so long, her lonely heart cried out for someone to talk to. It pulled her towards Xibalba even as her legs were pulling her away. It didn't matter that the sympathetic voice didn't exactly match the expression on the face that spoke it; Nzinga had been secluded for so long that she could barely remember how to read the expressions of others.

She was not naturally dense, only starved for socialization; and so she was willing to overlook strange qualities in someone who showed caring. There had been only three previous lions in her life that had showed her one ounce of caring.

"I don't see why you wish to take my problems upon yourself," Nzinga began, a tad suspicious; but the fact that she was no longer moving away said something. "But I am grateful for your interest. My name is Nzinga."

She would spill her life story to this lioness if only Xibalba played her cards right. Nzinga was a dam ready to burst.  

[Chibi Sheepcat]

Xibalba did not doubt that she was dealing with an intelligent lioness. In the harsh world of the African Savannah, or even this jungle, you had to be smart to survive. Otherwise, how would you live? A lone lioness like this would have to hunt for herself, fend off danger, and even possible males who would wish to take advantage of her. Thus, a lone lioness like this would have to be incredibly smart to still be alive. Never the less, Xibalba was very much aware that those who lived in solitude craved conversation every once and a while. It was a natural fact of life, and one she frequently used to her advantage.

The lioness kept a safe distance from her target in an attempt to look respectful. Her golden eyes never left Nzinga, however, even when she stopped moving. Xibalba too, stopped, and sat down gracefully. Good, the lioness had stopped. That meant they were getting somewhere. "Perhaps you may not see why, but I do. Besides, isn't it better to talk to someone about your problems and allow them to help you come up with a solution, rather then to brood about them?" Xibalba offered her new companion a sweet smile. "It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Nzinga. I am Xibalba, a willing ear to listen. All you have to do is speak."  

[Lisirra]

Nzinga wanted to say something like, "Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you," but when she opened her mouth the words that came tumbling out where these: "My children have left me and I no longer have anyone in the entire world because they will never come back. I have waited for months, over a year, alone, and I think they are either dead or they have forgotten me. Their own mother. They were all I had - "

Her hurried words turned to sobs that she had to choke back. Nzinga was not normally this emotional, especially not to strangers. But it simply felt so good to let out all these words she had been keeping in for so long. Hearing her own voice instead of the voice in her mind was raw and therapeutic.

Nzinga wrestled with her emotions for a while before she could continue to talk. When her voice had stabilized again, she continued in a slightly more composed manner. "I...I...the only family I've had is my mother, and she's been dead for years. Then I met this male - I was foolish - lonely - thought I could raise these cubs on my own - but it didn't work out. They ran away from me, both of them - I shall never see them again, I..."

Ashamed, suddenly, of her outbursts, Nzinga turned her eyes to the ground to mourn the loss of her children in private.  

[Chibi Sheepcat]

Xibalba was quite surprised to hear the reason for Nzinga's sadness. The lioness had been expecting a rather sullen response about how nobody understood her, and how she had been kicked out of a pride or ran away from home because she didn't like where she was living. Truth be told, she was not familiar with the loving mother scenario, seeing as she tried to stay away from them. There was far too much honesty and loyalty and just general love that made it hard for Xibalba to manipulate and twist into something darker. It was always hard to blackmail the naïve or the honest. They were just too... well, good for lack of a better word. Even so, she felt a slight hint of pity for the lioness before her. Poor creature.

Her pity, however, quickly changed to anger as Nzinga continued on in her story. So she had been lonely, and sought solace in the presence of a male and the hope of cubs. And not only did the male leave her, but then the cubs ran off too? While Xibalba knew she would not become like this if she had cubs that left her, the lioness knew that she would have been more than just angry. She would have hunted down her cubs and made sure that they remembered who they owed their life too, and thus their allegiance and obedience.

This situation was truly pitiful, but as Nzinga lapsed into silence the wheels began turning in Xibalba's head. Nzinga was perfect. She was not a weak lioness, and though a little emotional now Xibalba was sure she would make a wonderful mother. All she needed was a little helping hand. Xibalba moved forward again until she was up beside Nzinga, leaning in and rubbing her head against her comfortingly. "Do not feel bad about what happened, Nzinga. You did the very best that you could do, and even though you gave them life they did not come back to you. I would not give such children any thought at all. They are not worth your time, don't you think?"  

[Lisirra]

Nzinga was taken aback by the other lioness's physical proximity, and though it was strange to be touched, it was not necessarily bad. Nzinga stiffened, but did not move away. She listened to Xibalba's words without meeting her eyes.

Fragile, feeling drained after pouring her heart out, Nzinga was unusually submissive. The other lioness seemed so confident, so like Nzinga remembered herself to be, that it was like she was listening to her younger, unencumbered self. But were her words those of wisdom? Nzinga tried to make them fit in her brain, tried to convince herself that her children were not worthy of her love and worry...

"My girl gave me some trouble, sure," Nzinga said in a soft and unsure voice; she tried to make herself agree with the other lioness, tried to bend her mind to her words. "She didn't even look like me, or that male who was her father. Orange, she was. And a little terror, always playing tricks and doing whatever she pleased without any thought to me. She slipped off one day without a word...I don't suspect I'll ever see her little face again. But her brother, my boy, he...he was a good boy. Respectful. Even came to say goodbye to me, told me he'd come back once he found out who his father was. He looked just like his father...perhaps that is why he left me, just like Vian. But Banjo said he'd come back, and my son was not a liar..." Nzinga's yellow eyes looked up into the distance, almost expecting to see his baby form come walking through the underbrush. But it had been too long; surely he had grown by now. It pained Nzinga to think she might not even recognize her own son; that she had missed so much of his life. Where was he now? Where were they both...? Questions like these had haunted her daily; her curiosity about their lives was endless, insatiable.

Everyone in her life had left her; Nzinga felt like a failure. She had not protected her aging mother from the gang of hyenas; she had not been able to keep her one-time lover from leaving; and she had failed so miserably as a mother that her own children had had to flee from her. Her heart was broken. She didn't know why she was still on this earth; what was the point of living for no one?

"I have thought of nothing but my cubs for many months now," Nzinga admitted, almost ashamed to share that with Xibalba. "It has torn me up, eaten me from the inside. I feel like an empty carcass that not even the vultures want anymore."
 

[Chibi Sheepcat]

Xibalba was pleased when Nzinga didn't move away, and thus continued to stay close to her. Call it mothering instincts, but the lioness felt the need to comfort her, even if it was for her own devices. But her plan couldn't be all bad, now could it? After all, this lioness might want another family and a real home to raise them. Xibalba would play the mothering role to both Nzinga and her future cubs, and at the same time make sure Utesaji was a good father. Yes, this would work out very nicely. She only had to figure out if Nzinga wanted another family, or if she just wanted emotional support. But Xibalba could wait. She was quite patient when it came to such things.

As Nzinga continued to talk, Xibalba began grooming her, smoothing and neatening her fur. All the while she listened, taking in what Nzinga had to say about her children. It would give her hints as to what kind of a mother the lioness was, and whether or not the children's behaviour was because of their father or because of her. The first child was a daughter. By the sounds of it, she was just a foolish child who had no idea who she really owed her respect to. Playing tricks. What a childish behaviour. If she still did that now, Xibalba definitely believed it was the result of the father. Only a foolish male would produce such a stupid female. The boy... now the boy sounded much better. The honest and good sort, but with a strange knowledge to seek out his father. It was probably a male tendency to seek out one's father, and thus Xibalba did not think too poorly of this male. Still, he had left his mother, and that was quite inexcusable.

The lioness let Nzinga talk for as long as she needed, and let the silence lapse once she was finished. Then, Xibalba stopped her grooming, and decided it was time to speak. "You cannot blame yourself for the mistakes of your children. Though the girl sounds like one I would not like to meet, the boy does sound like he had a good heart. Regardless, both of them left, a critical error on their part. You are a good mother at heart, however unfortunately you had cubs with an unworthy male. His leaving encouraged his children to leave, and thus you cannot be held responsible for them. What you need is a proper male, who will give you good, strong cubs who know that they should stay with their mother and never stray too far. Am I right?"  

[Lisirra]

Xibalba's grooming was discomforting to Nzinga, who had rarely had affection in all her life. And yet at the same time, it brought out feeling of being cared for, of being mothered, that she hadn't had since her early cub hood. Even when her own mother was alive she hadn't been affectionate. Feeling strangely ill at ease and yet also sleepy, Nzinga was reduced to feeling like a child. It was somehow comforting and uncomfortable at the same time. Nzinga chose to feel comforted, because that was what she needed.

When Xibalba's voice broke through the haze that the heavy silence had drooped onto Nzinga's heart, it was like salve on a wound, like a magic spell that entranced her, wrapped her up. Her eyelids felt heavy and she sat down, hung her head and closed her eyes; she listened to the words the other lioness spoke.

You are a good mother at heart.

It was their father's fault. It wasn't hers. It wasn't her fault! Nzinga tossed those words around in her head until they stuck and begun to sink in. It wasn't her fault. She was a good mother. She was a good mother.

"I am a good mother," Nzinga repeated dutifully. Hearing herself speak those words made them true. "I did what I could."

But then that last innocuous sentence spoken finally poked into her like a thorn hidden amongst flowers. Nzinga looked up to Xibalba with childlike questioning. "I need a proper male? You think I should...I should try again?"

That didn't seem possible. How could she let another male into her heart just to stomp all over it again? What if she had more children who left her? Wouldn't she be betraying her first two?  

[Chibi Sheepcat]

Xibalba's own mother had used similar tactics on her when she was a cub. Her mother had been the sister of a lioness who had managed to get into the Boss's harem. In her original pride it had been considered an honor to be chosen as one of the Boss's lionesses, for they were thought to be the most beautiful lionesses in all the pride. The only reason Xibalba's mother had not been chosen was because of her scarred face, a result of a fight between her and her sister when they were younger. Thus, Xibalba had had words of poison whispered into her ears from the moment she was born, raised on a hatred many, many years old. It was no surprise that she used similar tactics on her "prey" these days.

"Exactly," the lioness whispered when Nzinga repeated what she'd said. That was much better. Not only would Nzinga fit perfectly into her plan, but her plight had touched a nerve inside Xibalba. Even if she could not convince the lioness to have cubs with Utesaji, at least she would have made her feel better about herself. It was the least she could do. Then nobody could say she didn't do anything nice.

When Nzinga looked up, Xibalba only smiled sweetly. "Of course, Nzinga. If you find a proper male then you'll have good children. I'll even help you pick if you would like, and make sure none of the children get the still running away business into their heads." The lioness would, of course, be a little worried about starting another family, but Xibalba would make sure everything went well. A nasty fate awaited the cub who ran away from Xibalba before she was finished with it.  

[Lisirra]

Nzinga felt herself shudder - no, shiver; shudder was too negative - for some strange reason. Perhaps she was just afraid. But Xibalba was right, probably. Wasn't she? It made such good sense that Nzinga pushed away any thoughts that disagreed with Xibalba's plan. The prospect of finding another male, having more children, made her feel incredibly vulnerable. But she wanted to trust and believe in Xibalba so badly that she tried to overlook it. Wasn't she used to pain? Wasn't this a horrible existence she was living? This was a much better prospect for her, risky as it was; at least it was better than languishing in self-pity as she had been. Anything was better than that, even getting hurt again. She wanted to feel alive again.

This might be her only chance to feel happiness again. She shouldn't pass it up.

Regaining a little of her old strength, Nzinga straightened her shoulders and calmed her breathing. Her insides still felt twisted, but she felt renewed with each breath. For a moment she simply drew breath, slowly, in and out, calming herself and gaining confidence.

The other lioness had given her a way out when Nzinga saw none; she didn't know how to say thank you and was too proud to, anyway - Nzinga had never been dependent and could not start now. But she could have a friend in Xibalba, an ally, someone to guide her and help her. An equal who knew the best path.

"Xibalba," she began. "I believe you are quite right. I trust your eyes more than mine to find such a male. When should we begin?"  

[Chibi Sheepcat]

Nzinga feeling vulnerable was something that Xibalba had not really thought about. The lioness had assumed that her presence would help alleviate some of Nzinga's stress. After all, she would make sure that nothing bad happened to the blue-jay coloured lioness. Xibalba had complete faith in her ability to convince Utesaji to play the role of a good father. She would use whatever methods necessary to get the blue lion to work for her and help Nzinga. The cubs from this would be beautiful, she didn't doubt that, and with Nzinga trusting her as she did, raising them alongside her would be easy. All she had to do was set the ball rolling.

Xibalba felt a sense of pride when Nzinga straighten up, giving her an approving nod. That was much better. Sit up straight and be proud. She allowed Nzinga to have the time she needed to centre herself, and moved around to sit in front of her. The lioness was still close enough that she hoped her presence would be comforting to Nzinga, but she was also giving her her space to come to terms with what she was asking. Xibalba wouldn't pressure her into anything. She would just plant the seeds and let them grow.

"Well, I have a male companion of my own who you might consider. If not, we shall simply browse the Savannahs and see what we come along. Have some lions to compare to, you know? And then you can decide which you believe is the best for you."