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Okay.. So I'm going nuts... And I just need to get this out and Noch suggested I post it here rather than just in my blog so I could get other opinions on it... And I figured maybe if I shared my experience it would help others share their's.

Okay where to start. Well.. recently I came across an old friend from middle school on myspace. I should have known better than to contact her but I guess I was hoping... well who knows. At any rate I sent her a message and she responded. At first she seemed thrilled about hearing from me but even in that first message she made a comment that left me quite confused.

"How are you? Where you live? Please before i start talking to you again please tell me that you will not try to take my man again. call me after 9 pm sometime so we can talk."

I was confused to say the least. At first I thought maybe there had been some guy I had dated in highschool that I didn't know she had had a thing for. But I should have known better.. I should have known right off the bat...

You see This friend of mine (who I'm going to call Belle for the sake of discreetness) Well we were best friends in middle school. And she invited me to church one or two times with her. Their was a bus that picked us up. Belle neglected to mention that she was head over heels for the bus driver. Now Belle and I were about 13 at the time.. and the bus driver (who I will call John).. he was 27... At first I figured it was just a crush.. Wasn't until days later when she convinced me to go to his house with her that I would find out the truth..

The whole story is long and really not a fun story but the basics are that she was sleeping with him. She wrote it in her diary and her parents found out and he ended up going to jail for it. Though only 30 days since she refused to testify. But for months before he went to jail he raped and molested me repeatedly. I had tried to tell her the first time he tried something and she told me (in a tone like she could have cared less) that she thought I wanted it. And so I never said another word.. and eventually due to his incarceration it would stop...

But now.. 14 years later I find out that she believes even to this day that I was trying to 'steal' him from her... *sigh*

Well I called her that night. (this past friday while I was at work) At first the conversation was awkward.. and it just went down hill from there. I asked her what she meant, just to clarify. And sure enough she assumed that I was trying to steal him from her. And before I had a chance to really explain what happened way back then she dropped the bomb of all bombs on me.

She is still with him... She has a five yr. old son with him... He's in jail for a Sexual Assault he says he can't remember because he blacked out but she's still in love with him...

I freaked out and made up a work excuse and told her I'd call her back. As soon as I hung up the phone I was in tears.. and then the flashbacks started. After a half an hour of continuous flashbacks I said the hell with it.. clocked out and came running home to my family and alcohol..

After a shot or two I called her back knowing that I had to tell her what he did to me even if she didn't believe me. I wasn't going to hide it from her or deny it to myself. It took me over a decade to accept what he did to me I wasn't about to start hiding from it now. So I told her.. and though she never said she agreed with me she did apologize for not listening when I tried to tell her the first time. I was still in tears when I got off the phone with her... But I really thought I had done the right thing..

(The next post will be the conversations that have happened on myspace since then...)

I cant even read the rest this because my heart hurts so much for what happend... *hugs*

You guys are soo strong...*hugs Cam and Erin* I am not sure If i can handle reading more of this thread....I know bad things happen...it just hurts more when they are with someone you care about. I feel like I can't do anything...

I think you're doing the right thing in not continuing this with her. Even if she does eventually face the truth I just don't think she'll be able to hear it from you. She doesn't even seem able to admit he's responsible for having sex with someone else much less committing rape.

Ya know.. Working at the Shelter I've seen tons of cases like that.. Where the guy has basically brain washed her into believing everything he says and thinking she can't live w/o him.. I guess I just never realized the extent of it..

Maybe I'm just too stubborn.. I can't understand it when people refuse to see Logic ya know? And I'm usually not a pushy person unless someone starts the argument with me. Maybe I should have just let her alone in the first place... Maybe I never should have told her. Though that wasn't entirely intentional. One usually isn't thinking to clearly right after an hour long episode of flashbacks and 3 shots of aftershock...

*sigh* At least I know she's got 2 years to think about all this. He is still locked up thankfully.. (for sexual assault on someone else... though he says he blacked out and can't remember it) But as sad as it is.. it probably is better for her if she never admits to herself whats happened..

I'm just torn now.. I'm going to be making phone calls to therapists next week.. But everytime I've gone to see one they suggest writing to him.. To try and get some kind of closure.. Idk.. I've never wanted to do it.. I've never seen the point.. It's not like I'm going to put a return address on envelope to him.. I have two lil girls of my own.. I'm not taking that risk.
I don't know if I'll even go to therapy as chances are Adam's insurance won't cover it.. but we'll see.. I'll keep you updated. And please.. If anyone else wants to share please do.. this thread was not just created for me and my venting lol.. *hugs to all *

I find that writing down my feelings is sometimes really help full. You could do as kool ken said, send them by fire. Just write the letter and then burn it down. It might help.

If that man has assaulted some one again and he has blacked out then he's really dangerous. Even though if he has made it up, still he seems to be so twisted on his mind that contacting him wouldn't do any good. He just doesn't see anything wrong in his actions. I would suggest you try to leave them be, because it's quite obvious he has manipulated your friend so well that she can't see the truth anymore.

Quite likely that man has poisoned her mind already from the beginning, when you were 12 or 13 and he kept doing it during his short prison time making her believe his sick ideas. He wouldn't be so successful if your friend wouldn't be so obsessive and she seems to have really low self esteem. According to your story she was already really scared of some one taking away his "loved one" in the early ages so it makes me wonder how was her family relationships. They should have put her into counseling when they revealed that incident, but of course if she was manipulated to believe there wasn't anything wrong it must have been impossible.

I'm sorry for my analysis's, it's my way of trying to understand monsters like him. I hope you'll get to therapy because it would be really good to go over these things with a therapist.

Writing a letter really does help, but it's the writing it that is important, not if the guy really reads it (after all, even if you sent it, he might not). When I wrote my letter to the guy who abused me for four years, I tied it to four helium balloons (one for each year), and sent it off into the air. Writing it took a lot of strength, and many tears, but there was something magical in the release I got from seeing it float off into the air.

Sorry you're experiencing flashbacks, they tend to happen to me still (over 20 years later), usually when I hear someone else's experiences. One thing I've noticed, because I don't hide the fact that I was raped and abused, is that it leaves the way open for people to confide in me. I can't imagine how strong you need to be to work where you do, but it must be so comforting to the women you come across to know that someone is there who understands why they behave the way they do.

I think you are making the right decision to cut off contact with "Belle". Until she is able to think and see things for herself, anything you say might actually drive her deeper into her fantasy life. Hopefully something will happen in the next two years to help her get out. One thing I might suggest though, if you are up to it, is to send a short memo just saying that if ever things change for her, you would still be there for her. Judging from the previous exchanges, I wouldn't hope for a positive reply, but the people that are most important to me now, are the ones that would not be pushed away then (either by myself or the guy in question). If things do change for her, she may still remember if you left the door open.

Sending hugs and support,
Rose