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Fun little update on the transits, plus a sexy bonus!



Astrology 30th-5th: Beneath The Horizon

ABYSSAL EPISTLES
The Astrology of Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, PhD

Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.

Vol. 100: Beneath The Horizon

This week the stars chug along the course set. A waning moon distributes its light over affairs i process and casts shadows on the host of changes lurking just below the horizon, ready to rise to the surface of concerns next week.

Next week, however, Jupiter goes direct, Mars moves the pace of action from ponderous to manic by ingress into Gemini, Venus retrogrades back into Leo and a New Moon inaugurates the new deal.

The events of this week that lead into the more dramatic enactments of the next include Mercury's departure from its extended stay in Cancer on Saturday, moving from mute to brash in Leo. But first Mars completes its unpleasant square to Saturn (described last week: Patchwork Perspective).on Tuesday, making it an unpleasant day for those caught between the two. After being challenged by the extended conflict represented by Mars in Taurus, Saturn moves into a deeper relationship with Pluto, staying in a perfect trine all week. The challenges posed to Saturn's hegemony lead to a deep re-evaluation of its power structure.

Virgin Retrograde

Venus is retrograde in Virgo. Moving retrograde implies that it is time to re-evaluate Venusian topics. This suggestion is echoed by Venus' presence in Virgo, a sign where analysis occurs. If you, like Venus, are considering reversing your virgin status, the Baron has just the thing for you: Custom designed to maximize the pleasure of your "planetary aspects" - The Condoms of the Zodiac!

HOROSCOPIC LENS:

THE CONDOMS

OF THE ZODIAC


Aries: Ring of Fire

Like you, Aries, the Aries Condom is ready to explode. Why lube with petroleum jelly when you can lube with petroleum itself? A specially engineered genital-sensitive chemical compound ignites the highly flammable lube the microsecond genital to genital contact is achieved. Charred private parts are a small price to pay for providing the unforgettable experience that only 3rd degree burns can. Aries Condoms- for the fire-cracker you are.


Taurus: Hungryman Dinner

Made especially for your meat-on-meat needs, the Taurus Condom acknowledges the hearty appetite you bring to the bedroom. Lubricated with beef-fat, the Taurus Condom reeks of a satisfying meal. And though both natural and artificial beef flavors are added, the Taurus brand condom is actually made entirely of intestinal casings, making it a 100% organic meal in and of itself. Taurus Condoms- Delicious!


Gemini: Double Your Pleasure

Half mentholated and half cayenne peppered flavored, the all-new hot n' cold Gemini Condom matches Gemini's emotional disposition! Experience the pleasure of freezing cold and scorching heat simultaneously! Not only does the Gemini Condom make for a contradictory physical experience, it comes in custom "personality packs" with one for each of you! Finally, a condom for the multi-personality disordered! Gemini Condoms- the only condom with enough room for all of you.

Cancer: Buttery "Dipping Sauce"

The Cancer Condom is for the discerning but procreative consumer. Are you a parent that still enjoys the secure feeling of a breaded crab-leg? No problem. With holes already poked in it and a buttery fertility hormone lube, the Cancer condom actually raises your chances of conception! Cancer Condoms- We've got you covered!


Leo: Lookin Good!

Finally Leo, a condom as amazing as you are. A polished metallic surface allows for mirrored glances at the star of the show. No light? No problem. The Leo condom is glow-in-the-dark! Be the bedroom Jedi you've always suspected you were. With Leo Condoms, the force is always with you!



Virgo: Good Clean Fun

The Virgo Condom is for only the most discriminating of zodiacal types. Soaked with super-powerful cleaning liquid and available with a variety of floral accents, the Virgo Condom.sanitizes and deodorizes even the most unsightly genitalia. Not only that! Virgo Condoms super-elasticity makes them perfect oven mits and durable work-mittens. Virgo Condoms- Good Clean Fun!


Libra: Anti-Truth Serum

Libra, when you make love, you're making art. Libra Condoms recognize that, and offer prints of the worlds most famous works of art on every condom. Is it a Dali evening? Perhaps your style is a bit more Classical! Libra also knows that flattering lies are the world's finest lubricant, and your condom deserves no less. Anti-truth serum coats these works of art! With Libra Condoms, you'll know why the Mona Lisa's looking at you.


Scorpio: Love is a Vampire

The Scorpio Condom allows the Scorpio lad to outfit his stinger with jet-black ninja-style protection. Like a parasitic insect, the Scorpio "assassin" model injects a number of chemicals which guarantee that the object of your affections will remain physically, emotionally and mentally pliable for the entire duration of your mission. The Scorpio Condom- Like a thief in the night!


Sagittarius: You Must Be Half Horse

Sagittarius, god knows you need a condom. A condom that lasts In the midst of the epic adventure that is your life, you're going to be having sex. A lot of it. Sagittarius, you need a condom that works overtime. Or several times. The Sagittarius Multi-Use Condom is so durable it not only protects you from pregnancy and disease- it also insulates you from responsibility! Dipped in waters of the river Lethe, the Sagittarius Condom ensures a truly forgettable experience. Sagittarius Condoms- Because no one has to know.


Capricorn: Flesh to Stone (Level 5)

Capricorn, you have a reputation for being hard-a**. Finally, there's a condom that allows you to live up it! Capricorn Condoms use mythological technology to turn any fleshy member encased into rock hard…um…rock. Even better than having a gorgon gaze at your wang, the Capricorn makes that member as hard, cold, and unfeeling as you wish you could be! Capricorn Condoms- because someone has to climb the mountain!


Aquarius: AC/DC

From the mad scientists of cutting edge pleasure technology comes the Aquarius Condom. Coated with a highly conductive lubricant and electrified by strategically concealed micro-generators, the Aquarius Condom is a truly stimulating experience. Available at a variety of voltages, the Aquarius Condom allows you for maximum user customization. Not only that, the Aquarius Condom comes complete with a variety of upgradable sex-programs. Go ahead! Space out and emotionally disconnect! This ******** on autopilot! Aquarius Condoms- because intimacy terrifies you!


Pisces: The Smell of Fish in the Morning

The Pisces Condom is lubricated with highly nutritious fish oils. But vitamins and minerals are not enough you, my fishy friends. This fish-oil is infused with high-grade psychedelics! The Pisces Condom is here to make your unions the truly psychotic experiences they deserve to be. Yes Pisces, the fishy smell of psychosis is in the air and your pupils are dialated, its either love- or the perfect condom!


Services: If you'd like a personal consultation with the man behind the mask, message the Baron's mortal vehicle at Xroadsconsultations@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies.

COPYRIGHT ABYSSAL EPISTLES 2007

Sol in Cancer, Luna in Aquarius

Lol. Very funneh. lol