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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:19 pm
Hey everyone. Got that character you absolutely love and use over and over? Got a bio for it, but when you look, it just doesn't seem up to snuff? Wanna make it... Special?
Together, we can make that happen. Anyone who wants to put up a character bio here, I will gladly assist to make it the best it can be. Mind you, this is about making it better, and therefore, if you put one up here, it WILL be critiqued. I will go over it with a fine tooth comb, and nit pick at every little detail. I will ask you to post your revisions, and then i'm gonna go over those and ask you to fix it again. Why? To make the best. Not something 'passable', but something inspiring. So, come on down, and show me your bios. I'll give you the keys to make it better.
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 8:46 am
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Posted: Tue Jul 31, 2007 12:44 pm
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Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 5:57 pm
Player: whitewolve202
Name: Jace Solidor
Gender: Female (Dressed as Male)
Race: Human
Age: 19
Appearance: She appears to be a short male, around the age of sixteen, standing around 5’6”,with a toned body that suggests at heavy training in combat. Her face, rarely cleaned, is covered in a light layer of dirt, disguising her finer features from the male populace she frequents. Contrasting with the darker tone of her dirt-covered face, her grey eyes often hold the attention of those she is speaking with, looking upon the world with a calmness not generally found in the males of her city. Her untamed hair, cut short to strengthen her image as a male, is the color of burgundy. When standing among the crowd, the first thing that might be noticed, aside from her abnormal shortness, is the conspicuous lack of a right arm. Though this is normally disguised by the wearing of a cloak at all times, when seen without the cloak, her arm seems to have been hewn off at the shoulder, which is constantly under wraps. Beneath the cloak she wears a loose, neutral green sleeveless shirt that is kept in a state of perpetual repair, patched up the moment a hole appears, and discarded when found to be beyond repair. Underneath the shirt, her chest is wrapped, in order to disguise herself when passing as a male. A worn leather belt around her waist is home to her sword, a simple, unadorned weapon given to her upon entry into the local militia. The belt holds up a pair of brown pants, in a similar state to her shirt, falling down to her ankles, partially covering her patchwork leather boots, which seem to be on the verge of falling apart.
Personality: Growing up on the lawless streets of the City of Men, she developed a fierce personality, allowing her to stand against the male thieves of her age, who often expected her, as a woman, to back off when they wanted something, theirs or not. She is very opinionated about the state of things, though in time she learned hide this as she increasingly took on the visage of a male, until it became habit for her say one thing while thinking another. Among her “friends”, she is humorous, laughing at the crudest of jokes as much as the rest of them, all the while condemning them in her mind. So long has she presented this façade that any hint of true personality has been lost, locked away so as to maintain her presence in the male hierarchy which she so detests. To her shame, she is uneducated in all forms, only able to master grammar by not talking like the males that surround her.
History: Born a child of rape, in a city where the number of rapes a man had committed was simply an addition to his prestige, Jace lived the life of a thief, stealing food so that she and her broken mother could eek out a life. Being female left her at a disadvantage on the male dominated streets, leading her to quickly develop fighting skills in case some of the boys decided to try to steal what she herself had stolen. By the age of eleven, despite the respect she had earned as a pickpocket and a fighter, she decided that she would never trust a male, as they were all scum. It was then that the male hierarchy began to assert itself in her life, punishing her for petty thievery that males were committing and receiving praise. Seeing this preferential treatment, she began disguising herself as a male so she and her mother could continue to live. Three years later, she started to develop her male disguise into a living personality, one that participated in the street fights between males from different sections of the city, working her way into the higher levels of organized pit fighting. During this time, between the ages of fourteen and sixteen, she began to search for the one who had raped her mother. At the end of her sixteenth year, seeking to find such information from her mother, they got into a fight, ending with Jace cursing her mother and running off to challenge the one she suspected. The challenge was accepted, and at the end of the fight, out of breath and unable to stand, she was punished for her impudence. Held down by the fighter’s followers, her right arm was chopped off at the shoulder, rendering her unconscious and unable to participate in the Pit fights ever again. If not for the immediate cauterization of her wounds by a nearby doctor, she would have died. Afterwards, she took up residence near her mother, who had taken ill after their argument, keeping her safe from all those who visited with ill intentions, practicing with her left arm until the day when her mother died. With all connections to the city, no longer interested with revenge upon her b*****d father, she left the city to find a place where she could be away from the corruption of men.
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Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 9:32 pm
This is an excellent bio, but it does bring many questions to mind. Technically, there are very few flaws, which is also a very good thing, as it means you can concentrate on the real subject matter here (there are a few missing words in the personality section, nothing to be overly worried about.)
So now, in order to illuminate more of the character, these are my questions. First off, is the city part of a setting that someone else created, or that you created? If it is your creation, and isn't described outside of this bio, it practically begs for detail, even though it is your character's bio. When I read it, I have trouble believing this city without any for of explanation. As far as it goes, It IS a believable scenario; if explained correctly. It should really have a small section to itself in your bio, explaining why it is the way it is. This city has molded a LOT of this character's life and personality by its own nature, after all.
My next question: why was she trapped there with her mother? In a city where all of the women are targets, remaining there as a woman seems to be a bad idea. What reason did she have to stay?
My next question: How did she find her father? That is quite glossed over, and makes it sound somewhat generic. For such an important event in her life, it needs explanation. Furthermore, to extrapolate upon that idea, who was her father? You briefly mention Pit fighting, but this came out of nowhere. If these are related as I believe, they need some more detail.
Well, that's enough inspection for the moment. What can you do with those questions? I look forward to seeing what you can add.
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