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 Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 4:56 pm
If you reply, please send me a PM letting me know. I won't actually watch this thread, but I want opinions. and I'll be updating it as I go along.
Name: Krad Raef XIII
Age: 24
Race: Vampire
Appearance: His faintly glowing red eyes are often hidden beneath the veil of his hair. The length of those long purple strands reaches his chin and could easily cover his face. His shoes, pants and shirt are very much like the shadows that he hides in. He moves elusively within them and sometimes only the glimpse of his flowing tattered cloak would be seen.
Inherent Abilities: Young Krad only possess the basic of vampiric powers.
Damage Resistance- Krad is nearly invincible. He’ll take blows from any weapon and survive unless it completely obliterates him or severs his head from his body. Weapons of religious origins or those blessed would wound him, but a simple stake through the heart can kill him as well.
Enhanced Senses- Vampires truly are predatory beasts. Their senses are far more improved than their former selves and prey, humans. Their eyes are well in tuned with their nocturnal living that the darkness holds no secret to them.
Regeneration – As if being invulnerable wasn’t enough, Krad, like his brethren, have the ability to heal their wounds within a single night. He still has semblance of mortality since wounds from holy weapons cannot be healed.
Usable Abilities: Basic Vampiric powers, has not mastered any of them
Wall Climbing - ability to climb walls without the use of equipment
Animal Control - ability to control bats, wolves, and rats; has not completely mastered this ability and is likely to fail, also takes concentration for him to use this ability: breaking this concentration breaks the hold over the animal
Shape Shifting - able to shift into a wolf, bat, or vapor; consumes alot of energy and concentration for him to be able to do this; has a moderate likelihood of failing due to him still being a young Vampire
Hypnotism - can plant suggestions into another's mind; again, it uses a lot of energy for him to do so; he has practiced with this, so he is a little more likely to succeed than fail
Weapons: He has two black, three-pronged metal claws that he attaches to his fists. He also carries a small ornate dagger that is engraved with his family's emblem. This dagger is precious to him, so he only uses it when he absolutely needs to.
Fighting style: Up-close combat, but prefers to avoid combat if possible. He will often turn to more devious tactics if the opponent outfights him.
Back Story: Krad comes from a lineage of moderately wealthy nobles. Although his family cared for him, he never really was close to them. He was the first born in his family, but he had a little brother, Cryptus, whom had been trampled by horses when he was still a toddler. He was thought to be cursed from birth because he was the thirteenth of the lineage. This has proven true, because he was subjected to plenty of unfortunate circumstances during his youth. For example, if Krad walked alone in the woods, he'd normally be attacked, especially by bandits that knew of the wealth his family possessed. His father forbid him to enter the woods after the first few times, but Krad's wanderlust quickly took a hold of him, drawing him towards the woods once again. His father, knowing now that he couldn't control Krad's reclusiveness, he instead sought a different method of protecting him. He thought of restraints, but knowing Krad's tendency to break these restraints, he thought of weapons, so that Krad could instead protect himself. He thought of daggers or swords, but again, he thought of the practicality of it. Krad was somewhat clumsy as a child, and would be likely to drop something he was gripping. So then his father thought of claws that latched onto the hands. This was a perfect idea to him, for Krad could both attack and defend with these claws, without the risk of dropping them or hurting himself. However, a little over a year ago, he had been bitten by a Vampire, his most unfortunate event yet. His Vampirism has not completely taken over him, for he still shows human characteristics. His master Vampire had died fighting a hunter only a month or so after Krad had been cursed, making Krad have to learn his more complex Vampiric powers on his own. Although he considers it a curse, and thinks of it disdainfully, it has also given him much more power.
Hm, well, this is my very first character. I do want criticism on it, however. Let me know what I should improve on, and what looks good to you. Also, let me know if he is too unbalanced, though I tried my best to make sure he is.
(And yes, if you're wondering, I've based my Avatar off of this character. Not the other way around.)
EDIT: Changed History to reflect personality and add more history towards his claws. Semi-wealthy changed to moderately wealthy. Changed Appearance and Inherent Abilities to the examples that Euphoric Ghost gave (with permission). [Aug 2]
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:44 pm
5 The best - 1 The worst
I give it a 4.3.
It's a really good basic idea.
I like your literacy and it's easy to understand.
The next step up from here is working your character into the RP.
You don't want to have them just walking around alone when you do come into the RP, it's too simple. But hey whatever ties your shoe.
I have a very different way of coming into an RP.
I normally have my character [Icha] use some kind of spell or come into the RP. I describe him there. I don't EVER make him super fast though.
For instance. [This is NOT the best I can do]
Other Person Wrote:
Taela could do nothing but stand there, in the enormous pack of wolves. She was terrified. Her weapons back at camp.. And her spells too weak to take down the whole pack. One of the wolves started to walk closer to her. Her sweat dripping down her face, the smell of the thick forest around her, and the sweat wasn't help either. But it almost ruined the wolves sense of smell..
Ozoku Wrote:
A small click could be heard through the forest on his large fan-like broom. The clicks were just from the bits and pieces of plants that leaned toward this boy on his fan. He came to the ring of wolves ready to pounce on Taela.. The boy stared directly at Taela... Her eyes landing on his white, tall, wizard hat, his white silky pants. Not to mention the sashes that covered parts of his chest and stomach.
The wolves leaped towards Taela...
Icha stepped off of the fan and waved the large black handle of the fan around. The wolves one by one shot into the direction of the fan's swing. Taela looking very injured but already of being fragile natured made her scars worse..
"Ma'am! Are you alright?"
Icha ran toward Taela almost as fast as the wolves had attacked her.
That's how I like to enter an RP.
You did a VERY good job.
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Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 6:39 pm
To me it looks good for a first time. ^^
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Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 11:56 pm
Well, for a first time I must say wow. It's very well thought out with very few loose ends. I like the detail in his abilities and what not, but to make this character shine out like he should, you should add more of a personality analysis. Like, in my own opinion, maybe even a few words describing his personality. From what I gather, he doesn't like to fight and he's very sentimental. Why? <-- Only question that I can think of for him, otherwise, you have a good profile that just lacks a in depth character mind show.
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:11 am
..::[Taste the fury]::.. ..::[That feed the devils inside]::.. Thanks for all the replies.
I'll get into working out the details.
History and personality are the two hardest things for me.
Especially with trying to make them coincide.
I'll see what I can do though. ^_^ ..::[Fueled by torment]::.. ..::[Sin, sex, sickness, and pride]::..
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 3:34 am
The character is pretty good for your first character. Most character profiles tend to be more of a list since it almost is one. I mean, character templates basically are organized character descriptions. A good character profile to me is more than a list. It should be like a very descriptive introduction, but in an organized manner. The name, age and race are fine. With most of the other categories, you could change them up a bit to add more flavor. I’m going to play around with appearance, and some of Inherent abilities; I’ll leave it in the list format but just add more to it. Quote: Appearance: His faintly glowing red eyes are often hidden beneath the veil of his hair. The length of those long purple strands reaches his chin and could easily cover his face. His shoes, pants and shirt are very much like the shadows that he hides in. He moves elusively within them and sometimes only the glimpse of his flowing tattered cloak would be seen. Yeah? Rather than just listing everything down, I gave him a more dreadful, well not dreadful, but truly darker feeling. This would be an example of “Show not tell,” which is one of the things writers should do. Quote: Inherent Abilities: Young Krad only possess the basic of vampiric powers. Damage Resistance- Krad is nearly invincible. He’ll take blows from any weapon and survive unless it completely obliterates him or severs his head from his body. Weapons of religious origins or those blessed would wound him, but a simple stake through the heart can kill him as well. Enhanced Senses- Vampires truly are predatory beasts. Their senses are far more improved than their former selves and prey, humans. Their eyes are well in tuned with their nocturnal living that the darkness holds no secret to them. (Then maybe more examples for the other senses) Regeneration – As if being invulnerable wasn’t enough, Krad, like his brethren have the ability to heal their wounds within a single night. He still has semblance of mortality since wounds from holy weapons cannot be healed. Weapons and Fighting style could be reworded and given more flavor. “He has two black, three-pronged metal claws” is a little awkward and confusing in the beginning. For the Backstory: “Semi-wealthy” is odd as well. How can you be half wealthy? So he’s half poor as well. Haha. I think you could stretch it out more, give us more about the character and maybe give us examples. Why wasn’t he close to them? What’s the importance of his little brother? “His family, in fear of his unluckiness, had trained him from a rather young age to fight with metal claws.” Why does he have to fight with metal claws since he’s unlucky? I mean, when your kid is unlucky would you really want him to be around weapons? Haha. Stretch the ideas out and write about them to explain them a bit more. As for the balanced part, maybe give him more of the vampiric weaknesses? Haha, like he has to be invited in houses/home? Afraid of garlic? I don’t know. Oh yeah, the ever popular, he has to feed of humans, but to make it more interesting, he has to feed from a certain kind of human, maybe only the blood of the wealthy. That would make it interesting.
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Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:35 pm
..::[Taste the fury]::.. ..::[That feed the devils inside]::.. That's exactly the kind of reply I am looking for. XD
Uhm. Would you mind if I "stole" those descriptions, and used that kind of example to fix the rest?
I really like them.
I'll try my best to fix it the way you described.
I think I just need to insert more imagery and creativeness, no?
As I said earlier, History is a hard point for me.
Semi-wealthy was meant to mean like middle to upper middle class, compared to today.
He has money, but is not super rich.
I can't seem to word in a way that would make sense.
I meant to expand on why he fought with metal claws. I don't remember why, exactly, that I didn't. I think, if I remember right when I was writing this, I meant something to the effect of ...
In childhood, if Krad walked alone in the woods, he'd normally be attacked, especially by bandits that knew of the wealth his family possessed. His father forbid him to enter the woods after the first few times, but Krad's wanderlust quickly took a hold of him, drawing him towards the woods once again. His father, knowing now that he couldn't control Krad's reclusiveness, he instead sought a different method of protecting him. He thought of restraints, but knowing Krad's tendency to break these restraints, he thought of weapons, so that Krad could protect himself. He thought of daggers or swords, but again, he thought of the practicality of it. Krad was somewhat clumsy, and would be likely to drop something he was gripping. So then his father thought of claws that latched onto the hands. This was a perfect idea to him, for Krad could both attack and defend with these claws, without the risk of dropping them or hurting himself.
Does that make more sense?
I don't remember why I hadn't put something like that in there.
Perhaps I forgot to when I was writing it.
Uhm. I think I meant to put weaknesses in there as well.
I'll be sure to do that. ..::[Fueled by torment]::.. ..::[Sin, sex, sickness, and pride]::..
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Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:31 pm
The grammar and word choice in the bio seemed a bit odd or out of place to me, but other then that, you did excellently. Well done.
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