|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:46 pm
There's a bit of a disconnect between the first paragraph and the two that follow it. I'm not sure if the mysterious, perfect solider lady is the one producing this miasma of doom or if she is the one sensing it.
As to the second and third paragraphs... well, to be perfectly honest, my Mary-Sue-O-Meter was going crazy. There was a lot of emphasis on her being perfect and not as much on her being a soldier. Basically, if you describe her soldier-ness rather than her perfection, it will already be an obvious statement when you toss in the last bit about how she is known as the perfect solider. Too much talk of perfection leaves a reader thinking "yeah, right."
The description itself sort of reads like a laundry list. Again, I have a pretty clear picture of her looks, but I don't really see them in action. What is it about her hand that leads one to believe she could use it to kill in an instant? How is her movement precise? How do her features tell a dark story? Basically, go deeper.
All of this is, of course, a cold-read of something that is hanging out in the aether. Impressions could change based on what else is in the scene. Sometimes, a comparison to the general riff-raff will make all the difference. It's important to remember that context can change the feel of something entirely.
Berz.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 9:49 am
I said above that I can't go deeper because it's such a small extract. I can't say all of that in that many words to be perfectly honest.
Ok, so I got it wrong with the perfection thing. It's meant to be that she's perfect in her work as a soldier and her physique. There's a very good reason why she's perfect in that sense, but she's not actually "perfect."
Later in the extract I mention the "them" who are feeling that aura. I way I read it back seemed to make it clear that it was her commanding it, but I suppose I need to put it in a fashion where it'd made it clear to all. Something that's clear to me and may be clear to some isn't likely to be easily recognisable for everyone. Fair dos.
However, I thought I hinted at the fact that she's not perfect besides her experience as a soldier and her physique. I've not exactly described her to be a nice person. confused
Perhaps I just have a strange way of writing?
Anyway, here's a bit of a revamp of it...DM_Melkhar All of a sudden the air turned like it were sentient. It was the most unpleasant sensation of dread imaginable, and it wasn't natural. It was commanded. Who could turn the air around them evil and instil fear into others at will?
The one responsible was a tall woman clad in black. She was at least six feet and three inches tall with a strong yet lank and lithe physique. Every movement she made was precise, and it was evident that she'd spent many years training intensively as every part of her body seemed ready for anything that may occur.
The woman pulled back the hood of her black cloak, revealing her identity. She had copper-auburn hair that fell straight to her shoulders, and rigid aquiline features that told of a dark history who few knew about. Her wolf-like green eyes stared at them, devoid of emotion yet full of malice, but it was the black lines surrounding her eyes and the clean scar on her right cheek that told them exactly who she was. She was the most feared of the seven, the one known as 'the perfect soldier'.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:46 pm
Yes! Exactly! Made it way better. No Mary-Sue-O-Meter going off that time. It makes things way more clear that she is a perfect soldier rather than a perfect person.
I definitely like that go-round much better.
Say, how come no one else is chiming in? I feel a little like I'm tearing you down or something. Hope I'm not being too blunt again. sweatdrop
Berz.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 9:56 am
Constructive criticism is good, and I'm likely to get much worse from publishers. Your comments are valuable. ^_^'
I hope that you find my style interesting and readable though. redface
I do wish others would get involved....
This is the kind of music I'd put with this character - Enigma - Dancing With Mephisto.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:14 pm
Erm, ok, so what about this...DM_Melkhar ZK hadn’t walked far when the commotion of LS's escape flooded the main street and the market district. The young pirate sprinted through the busy streets and alleys sporting his long scarlet military coat and matching cavalier hat with a large white plume dancing in the breeze. Two elaborate scimitars hung at his sides along with numerous other weapons such as flintlocks, daggers and throwing knives.
“Sorry! Comin’ through, no time to wait, beggin’ your pardon ladies,” he said as he dodged the crowds to keep as much distance between himself and his pursuers. He stopped for a moment and looked around. “Where’s that ladder?” he muttered. “Ah!”
The ladder he was looking for was propped up against the wall of a nearby house and led up on to the rooftops. He wedged himself between a pair of stalls and climbed up, then sensibly removed it. When he stood upright again, he noticed there were more guards on his tail than before. He ran a hand through the underside of his shoulder-length, layered, sandy-blond hair and gave them a cheeky smile that in turn brought a mischievous twinkle into his sprightly blue eyes.
“There he is!” he heard one of them shout from another street. He shook his head, then bolted. He shifted across the thieves’ highway, as rooftops were known, with accuracy that could only be kept up with speed and precision. The city watch must have known they weren’t going to be able to catch him now, unless they were relying on the mercenary for support.
Upon his approach to the harbour, the large naval ship that sat just inside the bay showing a pirate flag began to turn. The anchor had been raised and she was on the move. He stopped, peered down the side of the building he stood on and climbed down. In his haste he ran out on to the quay where the tip of a sword lightly touched on his throat.
Just to let you know...
1.) Yes that ship is his.
2.) You'll have to read the whole lot to understand why a large naval ship is his (and it's not because he's a thieving pirate). No, they're not leaving without him.
3.) For those of you who don't know, I use my characters initials over here to protect myself despite my work already being copyrighted.
4.) Don't moan at me for things I haven't explained in detail please. It's an extract, and other important factors are explained during the course of the novel. So please only keep it relevant to the piece.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 8:59 am
Umm...*points and sniffs.* sad
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 11:55 am
It seems to have slipped my radar too, until now.
Thanks for the response, Drizzt.
Anyhow...TOPIC REVIVAL.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:22 am
You know, I've been writing about my character of Kenshin Belmont and I've been thinking about how I've been describing things so far. I'm not sure if I've been doing a good job but, the reviews I've gotten are good so maybe I have. Anywho, I've also been thinking about the kind of atmosphere the next chapter should have. Since this is a fanfic, I've been wondering if I should make KB encounter the vampire from Portrait of Ruin, meaning "Brauner". I was thinking maybe Kenshin could hear news about him but that would be it. After all, he didn't participate in that battle so...
I wonder, what could be the next thing to write about in his journal? Maybe something supernatural would be good but, what? neutral
I suppose I should give it some thought, huh?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:59 am
I'm not very good at giving feedback, but I'll try my best, Mel.
I really liked that last excerpt. I tend to imagine whatever I read and the better written it is, the more vivid the image is. This gave me a very cinematic feeling of following LS through the streets and up on the roofs. Good work!
At first it bothered me a bit that ZK is mentioned in the beginning yet disappears completely after that, then I reread the text and it hit me like a baseball bat in the head, of course that's possible. xd
Umm, I don't quite see the need to sort of thoroughly describe LS, though - unless it's the first time we meet him / that he's described, or it was the whole point or part of the point of the extract, of course. Don't get me wrong, I love descriptions - better than dialogue, although my opinion of it has been rising lately. My fingers just start to itch whenever a writer unecessarily adds several adjectives to a character's description when we already know what he looks like. Then again, I might be the only one who thinks like that.
Don't worry, the descriptions are good. They gave me a fairly clear image of what he looks like, as well as the impression that he's a humorous guy. biggrin
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 10:55 am
It is the first time you meet him. It's at the very beginning of chapter 1.
ZK is the protagonist, but LS is a major character. And yes, he is meant to be a humorous character, but he's one of those types that has a very serious side as well, and he grows uncomfortable and emotional when spoken to about his past.
Thanks for the feedback.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
