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 Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:32 pm
Sigh after dealing with a particularly difficult customer, she returned to the lighted screen. "Man, I'm glad they have wireless internet" inserting the head phones into her ears. Which after 4 hours began to hurt, but that didn’t matter. The woman that she had to deal with didn't want to believe she had come to the wrong place. The Rec. Hall was not for reservations,
that they told her nothing about nor did she have any paper work, or at least that is what she tried to convince the lady she did finally leave. Actually happy for her forgetfulness for once, she didn't have her name tag on so the lady couldn’t say "Well, This girl, Samantha Smith was quite rude to me" but "the blonde girl with glasses" may work as well. She did seem the type to go and complain if anything didn’t go her way or was not perfect. The video games started up with their loud noise and songs again, all at the same time. Turning up the volume she directed her attention to the video she was watching, since no one saw there. The video was starting to give her a headache and it wasn’t the happiest thing in the world. None of her friends were on, of course it was Sunday they were all at Church, her only human contacts were the tourists coming and asking the normal question about events, reservations, and the few who had read the “Beware of Alligator” sign. Sam couldn’t complain much despite the cold of the building, lack of anything to do, and the repeated questions this was a good job. “Hmm…..two more hours” but counting down never hurts.
I hope this is ok, and that you understand it. sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 5:14 pm
Ashlay: Don't worry. You don't have to apologize for anything. I've been pretty unactive here myself. >.< And alright! That was great!! Now, since there's a few pointers on lengthening description, I want you to give me as much as you can for setting works from this sentence: The chamber was full of many things. You decide what kinds fo things and how they could've gotten there, their age and whatnot. We'll go from there. ^_^ Jarett: Haha, thanks. Ah, Okay, I think I see what you mean. So... like.. you can't give a lot of description after you give the alot to something else? Stormy: Alright. here's some things before I need you to make some changes so we can work with it. ^_^ Quote: Sigh after dealing with a particularly difficult customer, she returned to the lighted screen. "Man, I'm glad they have wireless internet" inserting the head phones into her ears. Which after 4 hours began to hurt, but that didn’t matter. The woman that she had to deal with didn't want to believe she had come to the wrong place. The Rec. Hall was not for reservations, <----Okay, okay... um... I'm really confused here. I like how you started how with the character's reaction, but there needs to be a lot about the setting, too. As in, give the characters response, and give an outline of where she is, who she may be, why she's there and adding on what you can. I'm not really understanding what you've set up here, but we'll work on that. See, when you start an Rp post, you have to give character to either the setting, character, or anythign else, and balance it all out, and go from there. If you read back somewhere, I've explained something called the molding process or something.that they told her nothing about nor did she have any paper work, or at least that is what she tried to convince the lady she did finally leave. Actually happy for her forgetfulness for once, she didn't have her name tag on so the lady couldn’t say "Well, This girl, Samantha Smith was quite rude to me" but "the blonde girl with glasses" may work as well. She did seem the type to go and complain if anything didn’t go her way or was not perfect. The video games started up with their loud noise and songs again, all at the same time. Turning up the volume she directed her attention to the video she was watching, since no one saw there. The video was starting to give her a headache and it wasn’t the happiest thing in the world. None of her friends were on, of course it was Sunday they were all at Church, her only human contacts were the tourists coming and asking the normal question about events, reservations, and the few who had read the “Beware of Alligator” sign. Sam couldn’t complain much despite the cold of the building, lack of anything to do, and the repeated questions this was a good job. “Hmm…..two more hours” but counting down never hurts. <---Okay, same thing with the top. I think you may need to work a little bit on sentence fluency as well, to go on with the description of what's going on and why. First, I want you to just work on that first part, and we'll go on to this one. ^__^
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Romeo for Tay Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 2:33 pm
Username: LucidRain
Alias: AJ.
What sort of things do you lack in: I'm not quite sure, but I think this is a good place to find out. ^ ^
What would you like to work on: Whatever you think is wrong with my writing.
How would this work best for you?: I think a trial and error approach would be good, but you are the teacher; it is ultimately up to you.
Will this process improve you?: I'm already on my way to becoming a writer, but any help can be used; you can never be perfect.
Other: I really haven't the faintest idea what I need help in, aside from I need help in finding what I need help in. If that makes any sense to you. sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:24 am
Username: Hardrokaussie
Alias: I do not really care as to what I am called. Call me whatever name that you wish or see fit.
What sort of things do you lack in: There are times in which I find that some of my sentences do not have the correct grammar placed within them. Also I so far never make my posts into paragraphs, they then just become one big post.
What would you like to work on: Description outside of the battle field. Meaning that most of my good descriptions are within actions of the physical kind and that leaves all of the others to pale in comparison.
How would this work best for you?: Maybe if I do a few exercises and then you tell me what I could do to change the post to make it better.
Will this process improve you?: So far I have read what you have done for others and have found a few things that could help me if I were to analyze my own work and place that advice within mine. (That was probably a run on sentence.)
Other: Sometimes I find myself starting sentences the same way or with the same word.
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