|
|
Do you like it? |
yers |
|
66% |
[ 4 ] |
no |
|
33% |
[ 2 ] |
|
Total Votes : 6 |
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 5:42 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 6:04 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 6:50 am
|
|
|
|
Quote: okay this is the first time ive ever writen a poem so could you please tell me what you think of it?
I remember your name.
Let's set things straight: God ought to be capitalized. (This line also reminds me of that "Jesus walks with me" song by that West dude.)
Quote: i wont die for you anymore,
Who is "you"? You go through the poem and leave no hints.
Quote: by the grace of god jesus died for us
Be aware that you could write entire poems about the above. Generalities aren't good ideas in poetry. Don't forget to capitalize who you worship.
Now you throw in the first person plural. Confusing? I think so. (By the way, it's "torture". But I'm not sure how this line builds up your poem - it's rather hollow.
Quote: you will never make me leave, i will wear this on my sleeve
Random inclusion of rhyme = bad idea. Either incorporate it throughout your poem, or just leave it out. Once again, the "you" is unexplained. I don't care if you know who "you" is - I sure don't. I can guess, but it's better to drop hints along the way than let me grab at straws.
I do, too. I also think that this line doesn't complement the following ones.
Quote: so give me your poison give me your pills give me your broken hearts and make me ill fire at will
Random rhymes, yet again. What poison? What pills? You appear to borrow lines from songs you've heard - and that's a very, very bad idea. (Not only is it bad taste, it's plagiarism.) "Poison" and "pills" are left out in the open. What do they mean? And why should the reader be concerned? Don't be didactic in telling me why I should care - describe them to me in a way that I should be concerned.
Quote: i will never leave i walk with the son, the god and the holy spirit, you're running after something you'll never kill by the grace of god jesus died for us i will wear this on my sleeve to the end
Line one and line five of this excerpt randomly rhyme - and in a forced manner, too. Line four has already been stated. Line two has been stated previously, as well. Line six is a rather bland ending.
What you need are some poetic devices, used to build up your poem. Remember: poems are short. There should be no filler lines; everything needs to be said for a purpose. Vagueness is not cool. Either make a character a major part of your poem, or don't include him/her at all.
That is all. (Hey, what happened to that critique thread? Did it vanish while I was at Philly?)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 6:55 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 6:59 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 7:31 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 9:12 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 12:22 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 5:18 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 10:59 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 1:24 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|