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[ccolor=red]I have read part of it, but shall have to finish it in two weeks...

I could do alot to change it, but I'd practically be rewriting the whole thing... Let me condense it for you:

1: Run-ons. You have sooooo many of them. Never use as, and, or, but, due to, etc. more than once in a sentence. You need to work on breaking things up and seperating them.

2: Action scenes are usually written in short, choppy thoughts and sentences, and almost never in paragraphs.

3: You might want to filter out the use of what are called modifiers: adjectives and adverbs. Words like slightly, softly, coldly, angry, etc. need to be omitted. It's a better idea to convey these things through the use of words that people don't see often.

I have to commend you on your storyline, however you should probably work through it and tone down the parts that are less believable, such as the main character having never gone to school, having lived in mexico, being able to go to the library with an abusive father, having muscle that looks like fat, traveling all over the world, having the two tattoos, being thrown in between the Samurais, etc. A reader is likely to stop reading--or worse, just skim through it--if they see something they don't think is possible. It brings them back the real world and they realize that even though it's a great story, it never could have happened. Like I've said before, domestic abuse is one of my weak spots.

I'll post in another thread some writing tips I've found on another website... you might want to take a look at them, since I used to have the same problems you do, and these tips really have helped me grow as a writer. I'd really like to see this after it's been cleaned up a bit, though... it's got real potential.

lol, your welcome. Sorry about the mistaking of the uncle for the father. I knew that, I just forgot. Honest! lol.

My dad's a trucker, so maybe I can help you out on that. One thing you need to know though is that truckers tend to be way laid back... kind of the opposite of Surge. Plus, they often only make it home a few times a year for about a week each time. And they don't have time or resources to keep in shape, so that would make him a lot less dangerous. I mean, I'm sure you could work around that, but it's just a thought.

Also, you need to mention that he's a truckdriver early on. That's something that needs to be said in the exposition, and then the reader needs to be reminded every so often... maybe two or three times... before you get to the part where it actually matters or means something. Now I'm not one to talk, because in Bruises, Nick's stepfather Robert is a construction worker and I still have yet to mention it until it comes into play later on... but yeah, it's one of the things I need to do.

I'm still going to post the stuff from that site, but I have to get around to it. I'm also busy with University prep stuff, and I'm still busy catching up at home from being gone all summer!

BTW, Canada's awesome, though I'm not sure about in the summer... I was there for christmas and it was really cool. Of course, living in Texas, it's a big deal for me to be somewhere where there's so much snow. Anyway, have a good time. And your welcome to the honesty anytime you want. All you have to do is ask.

lol, yeah, you could do that. God, I think before I started posting it Bruises was rewritten at least half a dozen times. I am not even exaggerating(sp?). I don't have much time right now, but I'll get to posting the stuff for that site, I promise. And the thread should be fine until you get back... just give the guild captain a heads up so it doesn't get deleted.

So I can't seem to find the rest of the stuff from that website. I googled it... turns out it was from Elfwood... but I can't get it to open up at all. I don't know what that's all about. Anyway, so that kills that. Wish I knew where that was...