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 Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 11:16 am
Prologue She was five minutes late meeting Jason and would regret it.
Lillynette was shoving the last bit of clothes into the gym bag and was about to climb out the window when she realized she'd left her purse. At least, that's what she called it. The bag was like a canvas bag: large, black with a red-limegreen-polka-dotted ribbon across the top. Many buttons decorate that bag, especially the black straps.
Lilly was slipping the headphones in her ears when she heard her mother's plea for life. A curious expression crossed her features as she reached for the door. Instinctively after seeing an unfamiliar face, she pulled the door closer to her.
"Please, just leave!" Her mother said, pleading to the man towering over her. Only a chuckle was his answer. Lilly could see he was clutching something in his hand, but didn't know what it was until he lifted his arm.
He was holding a dagger.
She inhaled sharply, feeling panic swell up in her chest as a scream bubbled up in her lungs. The sound wouldn't escape. She wouldn't dare let it.
"Say hellow to Lucifer, will you?" He growled at her mother, swinging the dagger down to slice Denice Cross' throat open.
Lilly's face paled as her mother let out a gutteral scream, only to have it muffled by the cut. The scream encouraged the man, sending him to slicing her some more.
Tears filled her eyes as she grabbed the duffle bag and her purse. The scream didn't come as she ran down the street, tears falling down her pale cheeks. Lilly's stomach lurched, making her double over behind Jason's privacy fence. She lost her dinner and crawled under the fence into the window. She was met by Jason's arms. That was when they decided to run to Michigan for a totally different reason. Starting that night, they were on a whole nother journey.
This was the trip of their lives.
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:26 pm
Whoa.
Um....that was rather sudden.
I'm not sure that's how I would react if someone killed my mom. My reaction:
*BOOM**CRASHES THROUGH DOOR* YOU b*****d!!!!! *PULLS OUT GUN**BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM*
Man: *deadface*
But that's just me.
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 10:20 am
Well, I planned on explaining who the killer is in the first chapter, explaining why she ran. He is an infamous serial killer on the loose. He is supposed to be all planned out and all. But she witnessed a murder he didn't want her to, so she fled. I made a roleplay about it, but it hasn't worked out, not yet at least. Anyway, she is fleeing to Michigan with her friends, one of them having an Uncle working with the Border Patrol, and knowing a couple F.B.I. individuals as friends. Plus it's to add to the adventure. I guess. >.< I was bored when I wrote it.
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 10:25 am
............so, how're you gonna explain that in the story?
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 10:34 am
Well, one of Lilly's friends, whose name is Carlie, is a brainiac. And an obsessive person. So, she got locked on the killer. She'd been studying him ever since the first kill. He has never changed ways, always used a blade, and tortured the poor victim till death. And that is what happened. So, Carlie knows who they're up against, and they have to get to her Uncle as soon as possible. It's not safe to go to the police right after the murder, for he will know there was a witness, and know who it is, and come after her. So, they want to get as far away as possible before he finds out, making it harder to find all of them.
Does it make sense?
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 10:39 am
Yes it does, but you've gotta explain that in the writing, silly.
Or write more.
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:01 am
I'm working on the first chapter now. I want the reader to keep reading to find out more. Would you keep reading it?
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:17 am
Sure.
But you gotta read mine too. twisted
It's only fair. *innocent eyes*
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:26 am
Awesome!
I'll get right to it! I'm doing a thing here and there, but I'm reading as much as I can in this guild.
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:30 am
Yay!
It's about to have it's 100k words anniversary. In about, ten seconds.
Don't worry, once you get past chapter seven it goes by fast, or so I'm told. 3nodding
and I'll edit yours. heart
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:34 am
Okay. It might take me a while, but I'll get it done somehow!
Thanks! I really appreciate it!
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Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 11:40 am
heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart
Yay, another Ametris fan! Here--*slaps button on you* Congrats.
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Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 11:56 am
Quote: Lillynette was shoving the last bit of clothes into the gym bag and was about to climb out the window when she realized she'd left her purse. At least, that's what she called it. The bag was like a canvas bag: large, black with a red-limegreen-polka-dotted ribbon across the top. Many buttons decorated that bag, especially the black straps. One of the most common things writers do is repeat words. This can grow very redundant for the reader. I would suggest using a thesaurus to your advantage. I would use a different word for bag the other two times. Quote: Lilly was slipping the headphones in her ears What headphones? When did you mention these earlier? Try saying " slipping a pair of headphones..." Or something similar. Quote: A curious expression crossed her features as she reached for the door. Instinctively after seeing an unfamiliar face, she pulled the door closer to her. Again, I don't particularly like that repetition of the word door. Quote: "Please, just leave!" Her mother said, pleading to the man towering over her. Only a chuckle was his answer. Lilly could see he was clutching something in his hand, but didn't know what it was until he lifted his arm. first, You said "plea," earlier. Also you plead to someone. "Pleading the man..." Would sound nicer. Also, I would think that one would "reply," to a plea, rather than "answer" one. Quote: She inhaled sharply, feeling panic swell up in her chest as a scream bubbled up in her lungs. The sound wouldn't escape. She wouldn't dare let it. I love this! Quote: The scream encouraged the man, sending him to slicing her some more. New word, dear. Quote: Tears filled her eyes as she grabbed the duffle bag and her purse. The scream didn't come as she ran down the street, tears falling down her pale cheeks. How did she escape? Did she jump out the window or something? Did she have to cross the man? Because that's a pretty daring and eventful scene you're leaving out. Quote: Starting that night, they were on a whole nother journey. That phrasing is terrible. Don't try to be cute in this kind of scene. Something like "...they were on a completely different journey," sounds a lot more thought out and mature. Alright, I really actually quite enjoyed this. It was very suspenseful, but you do need to fine tune some things. Really watch your repetition of words. That's all I really was bothered by. Some of your phrasing is a little off to. Otherwise, very nice. Keep up the good work!
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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 10:46 pm
Hmm...without more to it, I don't really know what to tell you. Are you working on the second chapter right now or are you working on revising the first one? You definitely have a good idea going, keep with it!
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Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 5:52 am
It's very short, isn't it?
Well, I dislike the fact there isn't much description and that the main character doesn't really have much of a personality yet. And everything is a little too sudden. It's sudden the way the event happens and you don't know why she's seeing Jason, or who he is or what's going on.
I think it's well-written for the most part, but, it's awkward to read, if that makes sense.
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