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I just can't.

I ranted about my life in the blog/rant/vent sticky, so I don't really feel like writing the whole thing out again, but I'll sum it up in a list ^_^;;

--I'm unemployed right now and can't get any kind of job until around September, when I'll become a permanent resident of Canada (immigrating--also can't go back to the US to work 'cause I don't have enough money to pay for the trip)

--Besides living with my fiancee, life absolutely sucks here. There are 6 people in the house, and the only one who works is my fiancee and sometimes the guy who "rents" our basement.

-----My fiancee and I are the "good ones" in the house. She works a full time job and pays her parents $400 a month rent. I clean the house constantly to make up for my lack of work; I am the only one who cleans (except on very rare occasions), and none of my work is EVER acknowledged. People actually complain to my face that the house is a mess and "no one cleans it." We also buy all our own food so that we don't eat any of "their" food.

-----Her mom and step-dad "can't work" because they have physical injuries. Her mom has a bad back, and her step-dad has a bad knee. Well--my fiancee also has a really bad back, and I have a bum knee. Creepy coincidental. But you don't see us backing away from work >> Anyway, neither of them bring in any money--they pay rent on the house from the rent me and my fiancee pay, from what they get from the downstairs renter, and from what they mooch off from her step-dad's parents. Even so, apparently my fiancee and I are scum compared to them...or at least they treat us like that.

-----Her brother--a 28-year-old guy who just sits at home playing video games, screaming cuss words at everything, not paying rent, and not getting a job (he hasn't had one since he was 21)--also treats us like scum. He treats us like we have the maturity of idiotic 5-year-olds, even though that's really how we should be treating him. He's violent, and I'm actually really physically scared of him. He is one of the two people I have ever screamed at in my entire life, and that was in self-defense. He had been screaming and throwing things and slamming my fiancee into walls because we woke him up by turning on the hall light for 5 seconds.

-----The renter guy is really irresponsible, disrespects stuff, throws trash everywhere and doesn't clean it up, plays music loud enough to shake the house at all hours of the night, doesn't always pay rent, et cetera. Actually, he's probably the person in this house (besides my fiancee) who I mind being around the least. He's disgusting, but at least he doesn't actively go out of his way to make me and my fiancee feel like s**t.

-----Every single person in this house--except for my fiancee and I--has absolutely no sense of common decency. Things are never kept clean for more than an hour. Manners are non-existent--I have never heard anyone in this house say "please" "thank you" or "I'm sorry."

--Because we have to spend so much on rent and our own food (we also have to pay $100 a month for her step-dad to drive her to work, because he refuses to let me drive his van, and I don't have a car), and because I can't get a job, we can only save a little bit each month. We have about $700 right now. We'll need at least $1000 by July, so that I can apply for permanent residence. And then, after that, we have to somehow make enough money to move out ASAP. Yeah. Doesn't sound likely.

--I'm afraid, living here. Of tiny little things. I've always had huge issues sticking up for myself (thus my screaming at her brother was a gigantic thing for me), and I just can't do it. I'm scared to go out of my room during the day when my fiancee is at work. When she's gone, and anyone else is in the kitchen, or living room, or whatever, I'm too scared to leave. I'm too scared to go to the bathroom. I've gone entire work days without eating anything because I was too scared to go to the kitchen by myself. When I'm overheating in the car, I'm too scared to roll the window down when her step-dad drives me to go pick her up from work. I just never, ever feel at ease.

--My relationship with my fiancee has been strained, and we've just generally been through a lot of stress between us lately. We went to one therapy session, but can't afford to go more.

Anyway. I had a really big issue with self-harm a few years back, and I celebrated my two year anniversary for staying away from it about a week ago. Unfortunately, the urges have been coming back really strong lately, and I gave into it two days ago. I don't want to cut again, but I might, because it actually helped calm my mental state much more than I thought it would.

I just feel icky right now. I feel like laying down and going to sleep and just not getting up again--at least until I can get out of here. Other times I feel like running and running until I pass out from exhaustion (unfortunately I can't because of my bad knee). And other times I just feel so intensely angry, and I want to start punching and punching at the walls until all my anger is gone. Can't do that either, but it's what I feel like doing.

I just feel sick. I feel sad pretty much all the time, I don't always have a reason why. I'll just be sad. And lately I'll feel like cutting, and I've even had thoughts about killing myself recently. I mean, I wouldn't do that--I went through a suicidal phase when I was younger, but I decided back then that I'd go on through anything, even if it was just to see how fate was wanting me to naturally die.

I try to stay optimistic, but it's just not working right now. I just want time to go faster, so that I could get out of this place. I can't stand living here too much longer, I just can't do it...I think I'll go crazy =/

Someone from her work is saying we might be able to move in with him and his friends (I think it's at a house, not an apartment building) for $400 a month...and if we did that, we'd get out probably in the next month or two. We'd be able to do that, 'cause it's the same rent rate as we have now. Thing is, the guy from her work hasn't checked with his friend (and the friend is the one who actually is going to own the house), so...we don't know if it's a really possible thing or not stare It's even about a block away from her work, so it would be perfect. If we don't get that, I don't know how soon we can move out...we'll be spending pretty much all our money on the immigration stuff next month (and we can't postpone that because the longer we wait on it, the longer I have to wait until I have a green card/work permit). We probably wouldn't be able to find somewhere for less than $800 or $900 a month, plus first and last rent, and we can't afford that anytime soon... =/

Ahh, I know it'll be mean. But then again, they treat us like s**t, so we really don't care XD;; We have five cats and a dog that we'll be leaving behind, so we'd be worried about them getting fed (and what would happen to them if they get evicted out of the house--we've had more than enough eviction warnings, so it's a definite possibility), but we really honestly wouldn't give a damn about what happened to the people .__. I mean, yeah, we'd help them find a shelter or something...but after how they've treated us all this time, we don't feel all that hospitable towards them sweatdrop So yeah. We're looking forward to the day that they stop getting our money.

try to get the animals to good homes. places you're confident they'd be safe.
and if i were you i'd try really hard on getting that new place too @_@
hey, don't forget to update this thread too sweatdrop
i wunna know what happens >_<