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 Posted: Sun May 06, 2007 2:46 pm
4 years ago, as I was going through a very difficult divorce (I was married to a Presbyterian minister), and while I was recovering from a total nervous meltdown, I received a Mother's Day card from my eldest son, telling me that he is gay, and he wanted me to know about his sexual orientation ......... and 'Happy Mother's Day Mom!"
Initially I was totally gobbed smacked!!! I had moved out of the city into a rural area to start a new life...... and I didnt know who to talk to, I didnt know what I had done wrong, I didnt know what to do next, I didnt know how to respond to this dear, beloved son of mine........ I didnt know how to be a mother to a gay son!!!
When I phoned my soon to be ex..... he went ballistic and said that he was going to disown his son. I had to remind him that he was a church minister!!! and that he had absolutely no right to disown his son!! I told him now that it was time for him to grow up! So my ex was a fat load of good for me then...... and I felt even more alone.
At that stage I was staggering on the edges of the church, and the few Christian people that I knew here threw their hands in the air and said what a sin it is and that I had to come against Satan and bind the spirit of lust and sexual deviance in my son. I looked at this lot and my prayer was 'GOD...... GET ME OUTTA HERE!!' I hot footed out of there so fast in a cloud of dust!!
For a while I was numb..... my response to my son was "Wow, that is amazing, and I am soooo glad that you have found what you were looking for, and that you are happy!" Initially a lip service....... but then my heart warmed up to that.........!
I finally came to the realisation that :
1. YES!! As a mother, I want all my children to find someone to love them for who they are, unconditionally and totally!! And he has...... he has subsequently married his partner, and they are soooo happy!!
2. The timing was, afterall, sooooo perfect!! That on Mothers Day 2003, my son trusted my love for him totally, that he was prepared to 'come-out' the closet and trust me not to reject him!!
I have now discovered a new way of loving a gay/lesbian child.........
I now wonder, how many parents on gaia are now battling with this issue? Having to work through shattered dreams....... self blame, rejection, anger, insecurity........ what the hell do we do now?.....
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Posted: Mon May 07, 2007 10:24 pm
I'm still in denial, I guess... kinda stuck on that thought stare
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Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 12:37 am
Does your husband ever talk to your son, or was he just angry at the time?
I think it's wonderful that your son could be so open with you to tell you about his life! I'm sure a lot of people keep that part of themselves hidden from their parents for fear of rejection. And that's kinda sad if you think about it, because there would be so much about your own child that you wouldn't know about. It's like their friends would know more about what's going on in their lives than you.
That's actually one of biggest fears as a parent. Not that my children may be homosexuals, but that they wouldn't feel like they could tell me. I want them to be able to tell me anything.
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Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 2:36 am
kim ocean Does your husband ever talk to your son, or was he just angry at the time? I think it's wonderful that your son could be so open with you to tell you about his life! I'm sure a lot of people keep that part of themselves hidden from their parents for fear of rejection. And that's kinda sad if you think about it, because there would be so much about your own child that you wouldn't know about. It's like their friends would know more about what's going on in their lives than you. That's actually one of biggest fears as a parent. Not that my children may be homosexuals, but that they wouldn't feel like they could tell me. I want them to be able to tell me anything. Yes, my ex eventually accepted the situation.... taking his cue from me. Now he and my son have a good relationship. It took a while for my son to 'come out' and tell us because we were very conservative Christians at that time. I have often asked myself the question how I could've missed the obvious.... but that happens. We get blinded by blinkers, hence the shock when reality hits from an unexpected angle! My main motivation for making my decision of accepting, is that I did not want to lose my son........ and I had to learn to love, ...... just like every other human being on the earth deserves to be loved, UNCONDITIONALLY!! I have subsequently become very protective over my son..... hehehe I have always kept the communication lines open, but there does come a time in the kids lives when they tend to close the lines from their side for some reason or other. What I found that worked the trick in unblocking the communications ......... is just giving my teenager an unexpected love hug. I also use to date them! Each kid would get a turn to spend a whole afternoon / evening with me alone where we would go and have milkshakes or movies or whatever they wanted to do ......... and chat. Those were precious and awesome moments....... and I recommend!
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Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 2:50 am
MQubed I'm still in denial, I guess... kinda stuck on that thought stare That was my first reaction! hehehe..... and it was tempting to stay there.... but I eventually had to face reality! This is my son! Then there was anger........ I also had to work through that. And then I tried to think of ways to fix it........ I had to work through that too. Trying to find as many books as a could in an attempt to find a solution or formala to fix my son so that he can be normal....... but eventually I came to the realisation that there are situations in life that cannot be fixed..... that we have to gracefully accept and hope that eventually it will work out best. The question that I asked myself, that eventually led to my accepting it was: "Do I, as a mother of my 4 kids, want all my kids to eventually find someone in their lives that will love them and accept them for who they are?" My answer to that was "Yes!" And my son made it easy for me because he had at that time already found his partber........ and they were so in love, and still are!
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Posted: Wed May 09, 2007 1:01 am
I'm glad your ex-husband and your son still talk! That's something he would always regret if he had stopped talking to him.
And that "date" day idea is great! I'm already so worried about what I'm going to do when my kids become teenagers, even though that's still 10 years away.
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Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 6:51 am
Maybe it's easier for me becuase I seem to be from a younger generation, but me and my now ex talked about how it would be if our child grew up gay since I was pregnant. And really, neither of us would care. I always joked that it would be a blessing because I'd never have to baby sit grandchildren razz
But other people don't seem so cool about that, which is such a pity in this day and age.
I ran into some neighbors (a girl who is currently pregnant, and one of her guy friends) and we were talking about how cute my kid was and how he does silly embarassing things. She was like "awww well it's just a cute story to tell his girlfriend when he grows up!" And I was like "Ya, or boyfriend."
Their jaws dropped and they actually got ANGRY that I had ever even considered it... Like it would be my choice if he ends up being gay OR straight?
*shakes head* Lots of stupid people out there. I just want him happy and healthy.
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 11:03 pm
Thanks Joiewe. I really liked your phrase about graceful acceptance!
I agree that I am truly touched that he felt he COULD confide in me.... I know that I'll love him no matter what; and I think he knows that too.
By the way, on the "dating" idea, that's cool. It was suggested to me to just sit in their darkened room for about 20 min. as they're lying in bed. Interesting things come up in the dark.... and it's just a neat way of closing out the day.
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Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 11:03 pm
Recently had a conversation about his first love interest ... I asked myself what I would say if this was a girlfriend, and went from there. Gosh, it still feels awkward though!
neutral
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Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 6:59 am
Homosexuality isn't really weird to me.. and as Christian, I don't find anything morally wrong about it. There are a lot of biblical facts/metaphors that, on the contrary, don't show it to be wrong.
I wouldn't really be bothered if I had children who turned out to be gay or lesbian.
That being said, you put it best Joiewe-- do you want your children to have someone who loves, cares for, and respects them? Yes. And if that's what it boils down to-- love, respect, and support, then while I'm sure having a gay child can create some issues, it doesn't change what really matters in the long run!
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Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 2:46 pm
I'm very open to bi/homosexuality, seeing as friends and family members are gay, and even my sister and I are bisexual.
However, I've always said I hope my son is straight.
NOT because I have issues with being gay, but because life when you're gay is a lot harder than when you're straight. And I wish for him a happy, easy, successful life.
Even being bisexual can be hard.
But... if that includes men instead of women, as long as he's happy, then who cares?
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Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2007 9:18 am
I've always said that if my kids turn out to be gay, I'd love them the same.
It doesn't matter what gender your child is interested in. They are still your flesh and blood, they are still a part of your life and you cannot just disown them for what they are. It's very disgusting to me when a parent disowns a child for the sexual orientation. Why not throw in a hallmark card titled "Your not good enough"? You might as well, because that's the message they get when a parent does not accept.
And tell me. When did it become something a parent has to accept, for it to become right? My son and daughter do not need my approval or acceptance to feel like they can be openly gay. They should be proud of it and so should their parents. I know I would be if either or both of my kids turned out to be gay.
Straight or gay, they are still your children. Love them, respect them and be proud of them.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 4:57 am
I dont believe there is a battle at all. They are still your kids no matter what orientation.
I work with many gays, lesbians and Cross dressers at work. Let me just say, if you want a good time, go out and have dinner and a drink with them.. They are a LOAD of laughs to be around!
I personally am not religious, I dont believe in any religion, and the one thing I cant stand is how OTHER people have no problem throwing their convictions in your face, when.. if they are truly religious (as they claim), they would listen with an unjudgemental ear when you are trying to look for help in such a delicate topic as homosexuality. If the first thing they tell you is anything relating to a sin and deviance of the norm, then they wont listen with an unjudgemental ear.
My daughter once asked me how I would handle it if she thought one day, to come out and tell me she were a lesbian. I told her it wouldnt bother me at all. I told her that she is my daughter and will always be my daughter and that so long as we love each other, respect each other...that is all that we need. The thought of a lesbian daughter doesnt phase me a bit... but I dont think I will have that happen with all the guys I catch her staring at with googling eyes willingly.
I guess I tend to be a "I could care less what you think" type of person. Sons and Daughters dont change being Sons and Daughters... no matter what Moms and Dads dont change being Moms and Dads. You cant change the obvious, and how you choose to handle the "I am gay" comments is entirely up to you. It looks like you have handled it well. And remember, dont let others push their belief-systems in your face. Remember, they arent worth it.
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 11:50 pm
I am not a parent, let alone a parent of someone who is gay or bisexual or a lesbian,etc. But one of my very best friends came out as being bisexual last year and her family was horrible about it. Her father is judgemental about everyone and everything that does not fit into his box of what is okay. Knowing he was like that, she still told her parents anyway. They told her No. It's a phase. You just can't get a boy to date you so you're turning to girls. She is a unique wonderful person and her parents can not get past the fact that she may actually want to have relationships with other women. It hurts her really badly to have the people who are supposed to love her unconditionally basically tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about and not accept her. Another friend of mine came out 3 years ago and suffered all kinds of abuse from his family for it. His father even broke his arm and told him to quit wearing his mom's makeup. He left Oregon to get away from his family so he would not have to deal with the cruel things they said. I am not saying you have to be all open arms about having your child come out, but just think about how hard it is for them already.
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