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..........It was approaching that day fast, again. With each passing year Zsolt had always thought that maybe, this time, when he looked at that daisy patch it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. He was always wrong, however, and when the time came, it was as if his heart had been shattered into pieces all over again…

..........Looking out through a rain splattered window, Zsolt sighed and flicked the ashes at the end of his cigarette into a tray. It landed amidst a pile of cigarette butts and a mountain of ashes. When he picked the cigarette back up, a trail of amber flew after it, almost beautiful against the starkness of his surroundings.

..........He, however, wasn’t paying any attention to that.

..........From around the corner, a pair of red-brown eyes watched him. They were full of curiosity, but also worry as well, worry for Zsolt of course. It was Laxis, Zsolt’s… pet, in a sense, but a person to himself as well. He was clearly alarmed by the fact that Zsolt hasn’t even registered his presence, because normally, that man, er, demon, caught him usually in three seconds flat when he-

..........“Laxis, are you spying on me?”

..........Okay, so never mind. He’s been caught. Quickly the youth replied, “No. I was just on my way to the kitchen. You know me,” He stuck his head out with a fake, cheery smile, “Always hungry.”

..........Instead of a reply, however, all Laxis received was silence. A little hurt, he retreated to the kitchen and opened the fridge door, thinking all the while. He wasn’t stupid – he has noticed that Zsolt has been becoming increasingly silent this month – even more wordless than usual. To double that, his smoking has increased. Was that healthy? Was it the rainy weather? Maybe it was the rainy weather, Laxis decided, because when he was little, sometimes thunderstorms scared him witless.

..........Yes, that must be it.

..........-x-

..........Ah, the rain.

..........March had always been a special month for Zsolt – even before her. It was the beginning of spring, the revival of life and the end of the sometimes brutal coolness of winter. But after her, it became so much more unique. March, it alone became his most dreaded but cherished month of the year. The daisies… they always returned, even though sometimes before their time. It gave him hope that Philena was still around… sometimes he imagined that he would feel her presence: a touch of her finger lingering on his lips, a trailing kiss on his cheek…

..........How he had loved her.

..........With the rain of March came Philena’s anniversary. What would this year be – the centennial? He failed to keep track, sometimes, because it always felt as if that she had just died yesterday. Was there a point in keeping track? Sometimes he thought that by keeping track of the years, he could distance the memories of her away from him, from his tortured, hurting mind. It didn’t work, and he stopped. The flowers always came back, so why did it matter?

..........Jereon had told him how much it would hurt, even before he had realized that he had fallen in love. Elves. Jereon was the only one who knew his past… and thinking of his past, Zsolt reflected on what he must’ve been, what Philena must’ve seen when they first met in the Garden of Eden… He saw a reckless youth, full of arrogance, pride, anger; he saw hurting. He tried to see himself from Philena’s eyes, but he failed. Oh Philena… she was so gentle, and beautiful.

..........He still remembered their first encounter. It had been an accident: he, full of his confidence and unruliness, was skipping off of his task as Guardian. He smiled as he remembered his childish dreams – he only thought to take a lazy nap in a cozy spot under some tree… and as he was walking by a glade of daisies, he saw her, Philena. She was young, and he realized right away that this was a human. She was so hard at work that she didn’t realize a stranger watching her; he looked at her with scrutiny; he had still disliked humans in those days.

..........When she looked, and his gaze met those turquoise eyes, he fell hard.

..........“Hello, may I help you?”

..........“Ar-are you talking to me?” He had stuttered in surprise.

..........“No, to the man standing behind you.” Philena had said seriously, and Zsolt even turned halfway around before realizing that she was smiling, in a very gentle way.

..........”That wasn’t funny!” He scowled, and walked away. He would realize later that he regretted this decision – he wanted to see those sparkling eyes again. He wanted to hear voice, so light, so full of joy, so… full of musical chords and everything. No… he didn’t just want, he needed. He craved to see her again, and when he gathered up his courage, sometimes he would go hide under shadows of trees and would just watch her work. He never dared to speak to her, as much as he wanted to.

..........Which was why one day, she spoke up to him.

..........“Those trees you are standing under, they are peach trees. They blossom in the spring, and in the summer, the petals would fall away and a fruit would be born where the petals were shed. Careful, there’s a nest of sparrows in that tree – they just had a clutch of eggs. I wouldn’t bother them too much. As cute as baby birds are, the parents can be pretty vicious sometimes.” She stopped looking, and looked at him with those deep pools turquoise, sparkling with hidden laughter.

..........That was how they met.

..........He couldn’t tell how they fell in love. Each day after that, he would always come to the gardens and she would tell him about a tree, or a bush, or a flower, and the creatures that they sometimes encountered. He realized that she loved her job, which made him feel a little guilty that he wasn’t nearly as devoted to his, as guardian. With her smile, and laughter, he saw how dedicated she was, to this Garden as its Gardener, and then he realized why God had picked her for the job: he knew that she would love each plant and flower down to its roots and take care of them for the precious things as they were. Him…

..........Hmm… I think that was when I began to change… Zsolt pondered with another drag of cigarette. It was almost automatic now… the breathing of the smoke. He watched his breath steam up the window, and without thinking, he raised his hand and draw a heart. P + Z, he wrote, inside the heart. It faded away quickly, however, just as yesterday. Looking back, he wondered if those days were just a wonderful dream… but looking at that bed of daisies, he knew they were not. Even if they had passed, those days… they were the golden ages to him.

..........“Now that I’ve almost introduced half of the garden to you,” Philena said as she scooped up a pile of clipped off leaves and branches, “I’m going to introduce myself to you. Philena, Gardener of Garden of Eden. You, sir?”

..........“Zsolt,” He replied simply, softening what might’ve sounded like a curt reply with a smile. “Guardian.”

..........Then, they were both silent.

..........That was when Philena leaned in, and Zsolt honestly thought that she was going to kiss him. Only she didn’t, and instead, she cupped one side of his face with her hand, her eyes… he remembered, her eyes were so full of questioning and worry and most of all, innocence. She asked: “Why are you so sad?”

..........He had almost gasped, staring at this human woman in surprise and shock. He frowned, and then he pushed away. Just as he prepared to walk through the teleportal, her voice stopped him.

..........“Don’t run away,” Her voice was so soft, “You know, it’ll only make it worse.”

..........Strange, for a quote to come back at such times. He mused, flicking away the gathering ashes at the end of his cigarette. He registered the fact that his cigarette was done, and it was almost time for another one. Laxis… I wonder if I’m running away, by using him. Am I using him? Goodness, I don’t even like animals.... Why am I keeping him?

..........Is it… because he reminds me so much of her? He brings comfort… and a sense of familiarity. Oh Phil, if only you were alive. How… how do I know that this isn’t just another coping thing? I picked up smoking only after you died, you know. I turned… I don’t know what happened to me.

..........You wrecked havoc in me. I turned destructive… on myself. That’s why I was fired, as a Guardian. I could no longer do my duties… but I was just too sad.

..........Why did you have to die, Philena?! Why?!

..........“Don’t run away, Zsolt.” Her voice echoed in his mind, “Sometimes it’s better to let it out. I… I want to know. You… you make me sad. I think… I’ve fallen in love with you.”

..........That really scared Zsolt, because in her confession, it awakened a calling in his own soul – an urge, an answering echo to Philena’s words.

..........“I think… I’ve fallen in love with you.”

..........How could’ve it happened? She was a human, a human!

..........“…in love with you.”

..........For days afterwards, he remembered, he had avoided her. How he regretted it now – those moments, he could’ve spent them at her side instead of sulking and hiding away. Her words tormented him, because… because… he didn’t even known then.

..........Eventually, he went back to him. It was his only choice – he felt that he was going to lose his sanity if he didn’t, if he didn’t go back and talk to her. It was love, and he was being driven crazy by it. Was it love? He still had doubts then. Was it just another illusion? He thought he had fallen in love before, but they always turned out to be… not love. Infatuations, more like. Did he know? He ignored everything, and focused only on Philena. The chords chiming inside his being… they were different this time, but he did not dare to hope.

..........“Zsolt?” She sounded so surprised, but pleased – or, was that just a trick of his ear?

..........“Philena, I think… I’ve fallen in love with you too.” He kissed her, then, and she dropped her spade and roots down onto the ground. All of his doubts were erased then, wiped clean, by that single moment.

..........That tender kiss… he will never forget it.

..........From that even on, Zsolt resumed his visits. Somehow it was almost like a miracle, the now Zsolt reflected: was it a miracle? From then, the sky seemed sunnier and the birds’ songs merrier, and the winds even more cheerful.

..........Love… It was still a double edged blade.

..........Even memories so wonderful such as these sometimes were still tainted by the darkness of sorrow. All eventually came to an end with Philena’s sudden death. She was 23 then, and though Zsolt knew that because she was a human, sometimes she would die but… not so sudden, not so… early. What she had filled in his life before… when she died, suddenly there was this gape in him, in his life. He didn’t know what to do with his afternoons anymore. The Garden of Eden… it was supposed to be paradise, but he found it too painful to even smell the scent of roses for a few months after the incident.

..........Love, it had carved his heart to pieces. Oh how it so defied logic sometimes.

..........Jereon had stayed with him through that time, when he had lost himself. He lost views of the future: for a while, he thought that a future without Philena was not a future worth having. Oh, her beauty, her smile, her warmth… they were gone now, all residents of a time long past and found only in his memories. Was it fair? No.

..........He had tried at love after that, when his heart was raw… and when he thought that it had hardened into a rock. Adrianna… Oh, he really did try to love her. In the end, she had just been his friend… Worst part was, she knew. She knew that he never loved her, even when he thought he did.

..........It could just never be the same.

..........“Don’t cry now…”

..........“Philena?!” Somehow, he had fallen asleep leaning on the window. He noticed that his lashes, and his face, was wet.

..........”Don’t cry, everything will be okay, right?” It was Laxis. His eyes looking hopeful and … a little sad, as his lips quivered and he suddenly hugged Zsolt, who simply patted the youngster’s head.

..........“Don’t be sad…” The fox-child said, his face still buried against Zsolt’s side.

..........“Don’t run away… I’ve tried it. Tell me, Zsolt…” Laxis’s voice sounded quaky, as if he was wondering if he really should ask this question.

..........“Why are you so sad?”

..........Oh Philena… Zsolt thought with a sardonic smile, I must wonder, did you send him to me?

..........“It’s a long story, Laxis… long story.”