Welcome to Gaia! ::

Correction- fallen.

I've known here for a measley two years, but in those years we have gotten to know each other more than I know some people who I have been friends with for eight years. It started at a sleepover- she was asleep. I was drowsing off, just thinking about how beautiful her face is, and how awesome she is.

And it hit me like a brick wall.

I. Am. A. Girl.

She. Is. A. Girl.

I have come to realise some things- while this is the first crush that I have called a crush in my mind on a girl, it is not the first. I called crushes on guys just that- crushes, because a girl is supposed to fall in love with a boy. I knew that.

Yet all along... there were these crushes that I had been having all my life... it's just that I never realised what they were. It was then, just as I was falling asleep, that I knew the nature of my affection for her.

Now... it's so wierd. I'm so... topsy-turvy. There's the trouble that I assume always comes when you are struggling to come to terms with your sexuality, and then there's her... always there, and me, I'm so full of love, and I can't tell anyone, not a soul.

I have to pretend I don't want to hold her hand and grab her and kiss the living daylights out of her. I have to pretend things are the same with me. But she means so much to me. I am trying to understand something within myself that has been hiding from my sight for so long, and I have to suppress this... feeling.

I'm scared, because there are times when I almost lose my self control and tell her. Or someone. I want to tell someone! I feel like such a fake. Like I'm living a lie. I'm not used to this! I like people to know about me, the real me, and I always have. I have never lied about myself, and it feels like this is what I'm doing. Sometimes she puts her hand around my shoulder, or we hug, or our feet touch, and I want to break down and cry and confess everything. I've written notes that I have later torn into pieces. I'm an emotional person! I can't help it, and I love it, I love the way my emotions help me experience life so much more, but this... this is hurting me! It's hurting me so much.

The really, really horrible thing is that she has never talked about liking a guy, in fact sometimes she talks about how she doesn't want a boyfriend. This... sometimes this makes me lose my sense of hopelessness and makes me feel like maybe I have a little chance, just maybe. This is... I don't want to think this! Because I don't want to get my hopes up. I just don't know what to think. It would be so much easier if I knew without a doubt that she is straight. Then I wouldn't have to wonder.

PM me any time.

I might not be on a lot, but we're basically going through the same thing.

It's rough, isn't it!

much love.