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Help me with my song?

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Em0 Muffin

PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 3:12 pm


Any tips/comments/suggestions are loved and appreciated.

Easier Said Than Done

Insignifcant.
Unimportant.
To you.

I cannot hide it.
Though I've tried.

I feel invisible.
Walk away. So much to say. Or should I run?
Easier said, easier said, easier said
Than done.

Walk away from you- didn't think that I could
Run away from everything that I feel
Not looking back once though it
Hurts to feel
Lost and Scared
Don't wanna feel
Like no one cares

Left out in the rain.
The tears, as they fall, stain
My face.

Trying so hard
To fight.

Walk away from you- didn't think that I could
Run away from you
Oh I can't hide
It's taking over
Everything, and
You're taking over

In everything I
Do or say
There you are
It won't go away

The air that I breathe
The thought that I think
The love that I feel

Walk away from you- didn't think that I could
Easier said (x3)
Than done

The air the I breathe
It's a part of me
I cannot see
Anything

But you.
PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 2:56 pm


I really like it n.n

Rimi


Pixelated Awesome

PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 12:56 pm


"Left out in the rain.
The tears, as they fall, stain
My face, the race,
driving so far inside..."

"Trying so hard,
To fight,
the feelings inside.

The flight, the rush,
seemed to crush,
everything i've known,
and everything i've shown."

That small part seemed to be missing a small thing, it seemed like a small verse. 3nodding

EDIT: Pm me, if you'd like to talk about it. I'm a writer. mrgreen
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 4:51 pm


I liked this quite a bit, and you are right. That one little section was lacking, and I am pleased you fixed it. Except...In your revision...The ends of the two stanza's were both "Inside." I do not know why, but that just annoys the hell out of me. The second "inside" fits better than the first. Perhaps you can change the last line to something like...I don't know. "My thoughts coincide?" Or "Emotions pushed aside?" Anything that rhymes with "inside" will fit wonderfully there. But, don't listen to me if you believe your song is perfected already. These are just the mumblings of a wannabe scholar.

Devastating-Dreamer


Em0 Muffin

PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 1:43 pm


Thank you very much!
I'm working on it right now. I'm going to post some more recent songs later, but I accidentally left my notebook in my locker.
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:32 pm


Umm. . it's a bit too emo for my liking and screams angst. you have talent though.

imorbidx

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Art / Poetry / Literature - Related Topics

 
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