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The Fast Lane
March, 2007
by Matt Shadeborne and Kevin "Synyster" Black (a.k.a. The Avenged)

Let me start off by saying, how much a** does this kick? We have our own little space on EEW.com to make a mockery out of everyone on the EEW Speed roster. This site needed a little kick in the 'nads, and we're just the tag team to do it. - Matt

That's right, bitches! The Avenged just got their own column! If you think we're disrespectful jackasses on TV, wait until you see us on the Internet! All our fans will be happy to know that in addition to watching us kick a** on televsion, they can now read our thoughts on the Web. Because, you know, our thoughts are the only ones that matter. - Syn

And now, for our not-so-humble opinions on the month that was on Speed:

Did you guys know we had a guy named Energizer on the roster? Yeah, neither did we. I kind of expected him to be escorted to the ring by a pink bunny. - Syn

I'll bet you twenty bucks some guy named Duracell runs in during his next match. Nothing quite like watching two public figures outside wrestling settle their disputes in the ring. I mean, it worked for Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump. - Matt

Moving on to the World Championship now: After that ladder match, which, by the way, was the most random thing I've seen since Seinfeld, management decided it was about as good as the current season of Family Guy and scrapped it. They got six Real World rejects in the ring and let 'em wrestle. The highlight of that match was obviously our legendary commentary job. - Matt

You know, I don't think I've drank that much in twenty minutes since that beerfest we went to last October. And before Matt makes a joke, she looked a hell of a lot better after twelve beers. - Syn

Then we saw 6-Pac vs. Azreal. I, for one, am surprised that a guy who touches his crotch as much as Pac does has actually slept with a woman before. Seems like his philosophy is 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' - Matt

To be fair, he slept with Joanie Laurer.....can we count that as a woman? I'll file it under 'he/she/it' for now and we'll see what the High Court of Determining the Genders of the Androgenous says. I'm fairly sure that actually exists. - Syn

We also got to see TJ vs. Shadow in a Hell in a Cell. Well, they're both tag team wrestlers, so the main attraction of this match was actually seeing one of these guys win, you know, since when they face the Avenged they're going down faster than Paris Hilton for a quarter. - Matt

Wow. Just wow. We've sunk to Paris Hilton jokes, and this is just the first column. It's going to be a straight shot to the bottom here, folks. Lucky for the Speed roster, you get a reprieve from us making fun of you for now. We kind of started writing this the night before we were supposed to submit it to the site, and we spent about four hours trying to figure out how to incorporate that Paris Hilton joke...okay, to be fair, Matt spent four hours on that, I spent that time drinking scotch and checking to see if being drunk made Hinder's music tolerable. 'Til next month! - Syn