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 Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 8:23 am
I was bored and thought I'd write a little something. I'm trying to improve my work so comments are much loved. Thank-you.
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The rain splashed heavily upon the roof. Candle Jankins layed in silence looking over at the wall. Why does he have to mean so much to me she wondered. She got carried away and she knew she'd done wrong. It's his fault she assured herself. It had been almost three weeks since the inncident. Three weeks of pure hell. She loved him more than anything and yet he hurt her. So that made it his fault all his fault. She glanced over at her desk. She knew she'd have to clean up the bloody knife that layed there, but it felt like the guilt of it all kept her in place. Stop it and get up now she commanded herself. Sure enough she got up slowly and walked to the desk. Why did he have to do such a thing she asked herself. She suddenly fell into the memory of it. She remebered walking up the steps and going into his room. She vividly remebered him kissing her best friend Cindy. She remebered the whole scene. The pain reared up in her stomach as she held back tears. He deserved to die and so did Cindy. That ment she was only halfway done. Tonight she'd stay at Cindy's house and kill her too. Candle slowly walked down the stairs of her house holding the knife as the lightning flared. She entered the kitchen and cleaned off the blood. Soon she'd have her revenge and it was all their faults.
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 4:31 pm
I like it,
I deeply moving.
It is also a feeling that many people feel and can relate to well maybe not the killing but of being hurt
Please read mine as well whee
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 3:57 pm
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 9:18 am
You don't make thoughts or speech clearly separate from the rest of the text.
Also, the snetnces are fairly short and uniform, creating a balnd paragraph. I see it was done to prevent the use of punctuation other than periods where possible. Combine sentences and refine them with dependent clauses and the like.
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