Welcome to Gaia! ::

(I wrote this ~a couple of weeks after salvation, i think.)

Before I was saved, my life was empty. I had always been a terribly shy boy. Because of how shy I was, I was very socially inept. As I have figured out now, being shy leads to loneliness, which in turn leads to depression. I lived a miserable existence, never being able to express my thoughts or emotions, never able to experience life as so many others did. I always wanted to be that guy that made his buddies laugh and made girls swoon. I wanted to be the one with the top grades and the most aggressive in sports. Even if I couldn't be all of that, I wanted to be the rebel, the one that rejects the average regime and enforces his own will with power and defiance. Most of all, pushing aside all the quite forlorn hopes, I simply desired to be normal. I asked why?! constantly, puzzled as to why I had been made in a way that I was deprived of the basic things that give a person pleasure in existence. I was trapped in a horrible prison because of my own shyness. I was in fear every second that I was in school, afraid to speak even one word to anyone. On some occasions, I received bad grades on assignments because I was too afraid to walk up to turn them in. That was how it was. Ritual kept me safe. I believed that it kept me from standing out. One word spoken to me by another, especially if it were a girl, would send me into a stupor. My mind would go blank and I would freeze. I would try to manage a feasible answer in the least number of words each time. I would have wanted so badly back then to be able to actually talk to people and simply tell them how I felt, what my opinion was.
When I arrived at home every day, it was always the same. Literally every day was horrible, a bad day. Because the prison of shyness was gone because I was alone, I was free to express my emotions to only myself within my room. And so the depression set in and the tears came and the overwhelming storm of pain that consisted of regret and rejection and fear upon fear ravaged my being. I had nothing to my name. I could not tell you who I was because I did not live life. I was merely a living, breathing shell that experienced all the things of life, without the ability to savor them, without the ability to reach out and grab what I wanted. What could one have called me without using my name? So-and-so's friend? That athlete of some sort? That guy that did this or did that? None of these would apply. There was nothing. Many people who saw me at school for years never knew one thing about me. There was nothing, no label, no anything that could define me. I found myself, some days, standing outside, sitting in the dark in my room, sitting on the branches of my tree, thinking "Who am I." And still there would be other days where I could be found crying out in perfect despair and pain, wanting nothing more than it all to end. Through all that I had experienced in my life, I had gained nothing, nothing but pain.
When people are down, they search as hard as they can to find comfort in something. They find something that they can fall back on if things are at their worst. For some, it could be their family, their friends, their girlfriend, their church group. It could be one's own mental or physical abilities. All had sweet memories of the past. These were memories of happy and fun times. I had none of these. All of my memories were repressed and faded. All that was remembered was unpleasant. For me, there was nothing. I had nothing. When everything would go wrong, as it did every day, I would simply break down and cry and feel so much horrible pain, the only accomplice I felt truly knew me.
There was a point in my life in which I decided that slowly, gradually, I would try to become more normal, until I could finally reach my lifelong goal. I decided that there was nothing in life worth pursuing except for that. I wanted nothing more than to be someone that people liked, admired, whatever. Going to church then offered no solace from my depressed state: forever uncomfortable, forever afraid, forever feeling as if all eyes were glued to every movement that I made, watching, judging, rejecting. I thought then that I was a Christian. I thought that belief saved me from Hell. I thought that years alone were what separated me from Heaven. I don't have to tell you how wrong I was, how much I did not know. I lived in sin, thrived on lust, was fueled by wrath, driven by envy, and motivated by selfish ambition. I was lost. I was blind. I was in pain. What could save me? What force could salvage this pathetic excuse, this failed experiment of a human being? What force could dive into the depths of something so twisted and evil, so hopeless?

I'll tell you what saved me, what set me free, what gave me what I wanted and much more that I could have even imagined. I'll tell you what removed the veil before my eyes, what gave me my identity, gave me a purpose, and gave me a home. I'll tell you what gave me a role model, friend, and father, one that has already sacrificed all for me. The chains are off! There is nothing to hold me down anymore! I can feel the wind on my face and taste the food in my mouth! No new bonds can restrain me! I am free! I am free and I know the truth and I am free to embrace it! Hail God Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth! Hail King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords! Hail Alpha and Omega, the great I am, Jesus Christ!

This is a tribute, a reminder to myself of what I left behind and of what I can forget. This is what I can be thankful for is gone, though I am glad that it was there. I am not of this world that tortured me for so long. I do not belong to it. My home is with my sovereign Lord in Heaven. Thank you God, once again, for saving me.