SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS
How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to
cheer myself up.
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or
more in a day.
3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or
before work.
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a
chapter without being seen.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in
order to read novels.
7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as
the characters speak.
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless
there is a book nearby.
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to
read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions
which I would otherwise avoid.
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household
chores until I have finished a novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books
instead.
13. I have attempted to check out more library books
than permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy
reading.
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a
bout of reading.
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of
something I read.
18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these
questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative
responses to five or more indicates a serious problem.
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or
LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility
of higher education and increased college enrollment
since the end of the Second World War. The number of
literature abusers is currently at record levels.
SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or
normal relationships. They fantasize, creating
alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of
friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad
posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying
heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become
cranky reference librarians in small towns.
Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the
number one cause of moral deformity among the children
of English professors, teachers of English and
creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome,
this disease also leaves its victims prone to a
lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional
instability.
HEREDITY
Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity
plays a considerable role in determining whether a
person will become an abuser of *literature. Most
abusers have at least one parent who abused
literature, often *beginning at an early age and
progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser
become abusers themselves.
OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers,
professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do
not encourage children to play games, participate in
healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.
PREVENTION
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to
adoption agencies in order to break the chain of
abuse. English teachers in particular should seek
partners active in other fields. Children should be
encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid
isolation and morbid introspection.
DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the
lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have
thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature
in our colleges. *Parents should look for signs that
their children are taking the wrong path--don't expect
your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop
reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room
and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may
already be too late.
What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an
English major:
1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your
concern. Let her know you won't abandon her--but that
you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her through
Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But
remember that she may not be able to make a decision
without help; perhaps she has just finished Madame
Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I
found this book in your purse. How long has this been
going on?" Ask the hard question--Who is this Count
Vronsky?
3. Show her another way. Move the television set into
her room. Introduce her to frat boys.
4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card.
Make her stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her
to take a math class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer
her to a Florida college.
You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if
one or more of the following applies:
She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic
poet.
Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia
Woolf, Faulkner or any scene from the Lake District.
Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek
help for yourself or someone you love, contact the
nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse
Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone
directory.
(Originally posted
here.)
Reply
