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 Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 9:01 am
I have this thread in life issues as well, but I'm going to post it here too. I hope no one minds.
It's so hard when you think you love someone, and they think that your love entitles them to anything.
He hit me a couple times. That should have been a warning to me, but I ignored it. I told his mother, he stopped. He wasn't happy about it, but he stopped. My mother didn't like him at all. That should have been another warning.
He started asking for oral sex. No, I said. I wasn't ready. At the time, I didn't even think it was right. (My views have changed since then.) The next week, he asked again. No, I said. He kept asking. It would make him happy, he said. Didn't I want him to be happy? He kept asking. I couldn't say no forever. So I did.
It hurt. Not long after, I had an emotional breakdown over it. I regretted it so badly it hurt me inside, physically. I decided that I would never regret anything, ever again.
Eventually, I thought I got over it. Then I cheated on him. He wasn't making me happy, so I went to someone who would. I didn't know how to leave him. He wouldn't leave me. Eventually, he broke up with me. I later found out from a friend that this was because he thought I was going to leave him, and he couldn't stand the thought of that. At least I never slept with him.
After we broke up, I started making mistakes. I cheated on a perfectly nice guy, and he broke up with me. (I lost my virginity to that nice guy, I'm so glad I did to him and not to the abuser.) I slept with people I didn't know. I masturbated on webcam for dirty old men I met on sex websites. I didn't know why I was doing things like that. I was so confused.
Then, I met someone. Let's call him Bob. (not his real name)
I raped him, or at least it would have been rape if he hadn't liked it. I guess I just decided that I wanted him. I never had reasons back then. We hit it off so well we started dating. Then my mistakes came out. I lied to him about a couple of them, which upset him when I told him the truth. I was ashamed, but I really shouldn't have lied. I started flirting with other people, going back down my old pathways. He called me on it, and I broke down. All the emotions I'd walled up in and after my time with the abuser came out.
I cried. Long and hard.
I went to a talk about abuse at my college. It was frightening to see how many of the symptoms of an abusive relationship my time with the abuser showed. I'd only really thought that the hitting was really abusive, and I was pretty sure the sex stuff was, because of the way it had made me feel. Knowing that it was all abuse and that what I was feeling was because of it really made me feel better, in a sad sort of way.
Bob has been my rock through all of this. He loves me in such a beautiful way, and makes me feel like I can do anything. His love is what made me come to terms with my pain. I owe him so much.
The saddest part is that my ex is now with another girl. This girl is incredibly dense, and I have a feeling she wouldn't know abuse if it killed her. In fact I know this, because she blamed me when I told her that her boyfriend had been asking to see me naked on webcam. My ex. What may be even worse is that he still doesn't know how much he hurt me, emotionally and physically. He won't believe me either, if I try to tell him. "You did it because you loved me."
That may have been, but it's no excuse to make me hurt myself.
He'll never believe me. All I wanted from him, after it was all over, was for him to know what he'd done. And he never will.
We broke up in the summer of 2004. It wasn't until last month, January 2007, that Bob helped me release and come to terms with the pain, and finally move on. It hurts to be abused, and it hurts for a long long time. If the person you're with is having you do things you're not comfortable with, is making you feel worthless, is making you unhappy... it could be abuse. Look up the signs. Talking to them about it, especially if you've tried to and they've brushed you off, doesn't always help. Leaving them is the only way you can really truly help yourself.
What's very depressing is that it was the longest relationship I've ever been in. A year and a half.
Thomas Augustus Farmer- I hope someday you realize how much pain you've caused me.
Share your stories.
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Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:11 pm
That sounds so much like what I went through. He was the first boyfriend I had ever had, so I had no idea what I was supposed to do, what I was supposed to feel. He never hit me, so I didn't really think of it as abuse until more recently.
He asked me out in March, I think. I agreed, and things were alright for some time. During the first month and a half, he never did anything other than a peck on the cheek or lips. Then, we started doing more, and within 3 months of him asking me out, we were doing just about everything short of vaginal/a**l sex. And it was alright for a while, too. But then, he started to change. He started to manipulate me, which wasn't something I thought he would be capable of, because he was an idiot.
I was going to go to summer camp for 5 days at the end of June. I was still in the process of getting over some problems from the previous fall, having been seriously depressed and cutting myself. I have a large scar on my forearm from the last time I cut myself that fall, and I had told Austin(the ex I'm talking about, btw) where it had come from. He used it against me. He came to me, 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave, begging me to change my mind and stay home, pulling the whole "You'll do it if you really love me" thing. I refused, obviously. A week later, he came to me and told me that he had cut himself on his leg. I asked to see it, and he wouldn't let me. I was sort of shocked, that he would cut himself. I blamed myself, and when I went to camp, I was miserable and worried. Looking back on it, I think he lied to me. He did that a lot.
Anyway, after I came back, whenever I would go to his house, or he would come to mine, or even if we were just alone somewhere, he would start making out with me and try to get me to do something sexual with him. Jack him off, blow job, letting him finger me, usually vaginal, but sometimes he'd do that anally, or just humping mostly naked. It was alright, until he refused to take "No" for an answer. If I told him no, he would keep on bugging me, keep begging, keep manipulating me, until I finally just gave up and agreed.
I always felt dirty, and used, and like a cheap whore whenever I let him do that, let him make me change my mind. And then, he would never stay with me after he'd climaxed. He always ran off and left me to get dresed, usually I was in tears. And he always would tell me he loved me. I let this go on, for over a year. At about the year mark, I started looking for a way to get out. I hated that relationship. I wasn't with my friends very often, he was jealous of my best friend, because my best friend was a guy. He took up all of my social time. I hardly had time to myself. He was always calling me. And then he did something that even I couldn't forgive.
He had come over to my house. We were in my room, and like always, he was trying to get some action from me. He was just rubbing my back, which was fine, until he started pulling my shorts down. I told him to stop it, and he didn't listen. He kept pulling at them, until they were down past my a**. And I was afraid then, like I had never been afraid before. He started to finger my a**, shoving one finger up my a**. I told him again to stop it. He told me to relax and just enjoy it, because he knew that I wanted it. And I told him, no I didn't, stop it. He didn't listen, he kept repeating his earlier statement, basically ******** my a** until I climaxed. I cried, like I had never cried before.
First of all: I felt so dirty, and weak, and pathetic. I knew I was stronger, I could have probably stopped him. After all, I have picked him up and bodily threw him before. Second of all: I am 5'1" and fairly small. Guess what that means? My a** is small. He was 6'3" and had huge hands. It ******** hurt. Third: I was afraid. I thought he might actually go all the way and rape me. I was a virgin at the time, and really wanted to stay that way.
I broke up with him 2 days later. He kept trying to get me to take him back. And towards the end of the summer, one of my friends was kind of teasing me, saying "You'd take him back, wouldn't you?" I almost threw up. I hate Austin. I hate him because he robbed me of a year and a half of life. And then after that I got in a relationship with a kid that was obsessed with sex. I had been dating him a week when he asked if we could have sex. And he kept whining, begging me to tell him I loved him. He was a lying backstabber, though, and thanks to the same friend that had teased me, I found out about that boy and dumped him quick.
Now, I am in a healthy, happy relationship with the same best friend that Austin was so jealous over. He worries about me, because I freak out in some situations, but he is patient and loves me despite my flaws. He knows about all of the things that happened to me, and he is trying to help me move past them. He is also trying to help me find time and the courage to go see a school counselor about some of my problems, because they are interferring with my life.
I just thought I'd share. And I was wondering, is there anything I can do about the first boyfriend? It's been about 10 months since I left him, and I think I at least need some kind of closure, even if it's just him admitting to what he did to me, acknowledging that he ruined my life. But is there anything I can do, in legal terms? And would what he did to me be considered rape? Or just sexual assault? I'm a bit confused, and need to know, even if it's just for closure...
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 12:40 pm
Cutiebirdgal - I read your post once before, but didn't reply because I wasn't sure what to say at the time. All I can think of to say is I'm sorry. No one should have to go through that.
Rauvellana - I honestly don't know what it would qualify as. Maybe sodomy, or rape with an object? Either way, I'd go to your local police station and ask them. And I'll second seeing the school counsellor, perhaps that would help with closure if you could talk to someone about it.
I've never been raped or physically abused, but my first ex and I were emotionally abusive to each other, being passive-aggressive, etc. My second ex, the one I got out of a relationship with back in Oct, I don't know if what he did would be emotional abuse. At the very least, he was uncaring and an a*****e most of the time, but I don't know if it'd be considered abuse. Regardless, it's not something I want to go through ever again.
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Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2007 8:58 pm
having to deal with that kind of crap from people who claim to love you is really terrible.
I myself have never actually been in a really serious type of abusive relationship (I was treated badly, but not really abuse), I at least knew to get out of it when I realized my best friends boyfriend cared more about me.
fortunatly, I only dated the jerk for about 3 months. It's not that hes really a bad guy, I still talk to him now, we're friends. It's guess its because I was his first relationship (I'm kinda young, so that's why I don't consider this actually abuse), and even though I considered making-out not a big deal, he kinda.. erm, went a little nuts, and like, all he wanted was touching and kissing and just.. it was ridiculasly uncomfterable. I kinda didn't know anything was wrong, I dunno why. I'd tell him to stop though, and he kinda wouldn't, I think that was my first hint.
Then he'd lie to his friends about me, like he was embarassed to be my boyfriend (though before we went out, he'd be like YEAH CHELSEA MY GIRLFRIEND!! cuz hes a wierdo..) And then he'd ditch me and I felt like s**t and kinda realized that sure, theres sexual tension between us, but nothing close to become a relationship.
It kinda ******** over my next boyfriend, cause I was like, afraid to touch him (there was also a lot of things going on that made my next boyfriend a terrible.. terrible situation, but its nothing like, abusive, just like, immature and akward kind of stuff that I was too stupid to realize). But thats alright.
But to both of you who shared stories, its horrible that you had to experience actual abuse. I can't say I know what its like, but I can say I know how it is to have a boyfriend make you feel like complete s**t.
@Rauvellana: if you wanna get closure with your first ex, you could try telling him off. I've done that to ex's when I just can't like, get over the fact that they sucked so much at being a boyfriend. My friends have also threatened the one I talked about (though thats never a good idea, but neither of them live in NY, and they threatened him online, so I just thought it was cute of them to do, haha). But just, tell him hes a d**k, even if you just start a fight with him, it'll make you feel better, probably.
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 4:52 am
I think that you leaving him and findin someone better it very good. (Congradualtions). I also think that you coming to realize that what you have done is wrong is fantastic. And you havn't only realized what is wrong, but you have acted on it to change it! If I was your mother I would be very proud to have you as a daughter.
P.S I think it was good how you told his mum. That just showed him that you weren't going to put up with his sh*t
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