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 Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 8:30 am
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Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 8:34 am
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five blondes - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver is obviously confused, and says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - twenty-two miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am," the officer says, "I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
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Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 9:57 am
**"Hello?"**
**"Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?"**
**"No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."**
**"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now."*
Brief Pause.
**"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."**
**"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**"I did it, Daddy."**
**"And what happened, honey?" He asked.**
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and
ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!"**
**"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"**
**"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**"Swimming pool? .............**
**Is this 486-5731?"*
*No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
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Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 10:16 am
Johnny fancied a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:
I'll give you a $100 for sex, but the girl said NO.
Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...
She said "the b #####d used coins"!
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
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Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 11:00 am
Hehe, I liked the last one. xd The middle one made me sad. crying
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 6:39 am
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Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 7:25 pm
What do you call a fish without eyes? A FSH! rofl
stare Ok, real jokes. I warn you, they're wrong. *eye twitch*
(highight for dirty wrongness)
There's the classic: What is the sound of a baby in a microwave? I don't know either, I was too busy masturbating to it. *bigger eye twitch* (-Courtesy of Nick)
Number 2: Three pregnant ladies were sitting in a doctor's office waiting for their appointments, a redhead, a brunette, and a blond. They got to talking and the redhead said "I'm having a girl, because I was on top." The brunette said "I'm having a boy; I was on the bottom." Then the blond starts bawling and as the girls try to figure out what's wrong she cries "I'm having a puppy!" (-Courtesy of Cambie)
And the last: A man joined the army and after he was stationed in [insert current war zone here] his commanding officer was explaining some things. At the end of his speech he said "And son, it gets lonely here with no women. When we soldiers need some, we use this camel." The man was appaled and he replied "I will -never- use the camel." As the weeks went by the officer would ask the man "So do you need the camel yet?" and he would alwayz reply "Nope." But the man did get lonely for love and so one day he went to his officer and said "Ok, I'm ready. I need the camel." The officer brought him to the camel. The man unzipped his pants and started, well, using the camel. When he was done the officer said "Y'know, son, we usually use the camel to ride to town and get the girls." (-Courtesy of Shane)
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 2:50 am
Guys walks into a doctor wrapped in nothing but cling wrap
Patient: "Doctor Doctor, I dont know whats wrong with me"
Doctor: "I can clearly see your nuts.."
Lame jokes are for the win...
I dare EVERYONE to flood this thread with the lamest funny jokes you know..
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 11:19 am
All right then. My all-time-favorite joke.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
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A salad-shooter!!! rofl rofl rofl
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 4:27 pm
A guy goes into the chemist to buy some condoms.
�What size?� Asks the clerk. �I don�t know� he replies. The clerk says �Go and see Sophie in aisle 4
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch and yells �Medium!�
The guy is mortified. He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie. He grabs him and yells �Large!�. The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school boy comes in to buy condoms.
�What size?�. The kid embarrassedly says �I�ve never done this before I don�t know what size�. He gets sent to Sophie, she grabs him and yells ��
�Cleaners needed in aisle 4!�
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Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 3:34 pm
~KNOCK KNOCK
*Who's there?
~Nobody.
*Nobody who?
....
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